What can I do if my daughter’s father shows up drunk?

My ex and I have a 13 year old daughter. We never married. After we split nine years ago (partly because of his drinking), he left the country. I never applied for sole custody. We agreed that our daughter would live with me, and he never paid for anything. He recently returned and has dinner with her once a week. She is getting used to having him in her life. The problem: twice he got drunk. Most recently, he arrived very late – without responding to her many texts – and was sick in front of her. When I asked him to leave, we argued, which upset my daughter very much. (He denies having a drinking problem; he often denies drinking at all.) How can I help my daughter navigate this relationship?

MOM

I share your concern about your daughter. It is very important that she does not drive a car with a driver who has been drinking, or be left alone with someone who is too disabled to care for her. Now start drumming that into her head! And it’s unfair to ask her – at age 13 – to monitor adult behavior. (No “call me if he seems weird.”) She’s too young for that, and it may be hard for her to betray her father. Tell your ex that his visits should be at your house.

Now, in many states, an unmarried woman automatically becomes the child’s sole guardian until a court rules otherwise. Confirm the laws in your state. There may be no further action required from you, but if so, request now to become your daughter’s sole legal guardian to ensure your decisions take precedence.

Perhaps the hardest part of this story is your ex’s dishonesty about his drinking. It makes him an unreliable parent – which can upset your daughter and prevent you from trusting him. Encourage her to talk about this or, better yet, visit her teen chapter of Al-Anon in your area. If she gets a problem drinker in her life, give her the tools to deal with it.

Do not use a scalpel when cutting a guest list

My fiancé and I are planning our wedding. (It’s my second wedding, her first.) We made an initial guest list of 60 friends and relatives. We want an intimate gathering with all the people who are important to us. Our question: can we eliminate pluses if we are friends with only half of a couple (married or in a relationship)?

GROOM-TO-BE

I could see getting away with a plan that breaks from tradition and eliminates plusses who you’re not close to if your guest list runs out to a dozen. People would understand that it’s a very small, personalized guest list – although I bet you’d still upset some of the excluded spouses and significant others. You’re not saying you don’t know them, just that they don’t judge. (ouch!)

But a party of 60 is hardly intimate, even if it’s smaller than many in the industrial wedding complex. It’s too many people, I think, to let some guests bring partners and refuse others. Your guests will compare notes and their feelings may get hurt. After all, it’s your wedding: you can invite whoever you want. But I’d hate for a surgical guest list to outshine your joyous day.

The other woman in the group chat

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. He has a close relationship with his friends and is part of several large group text chains. One of the threads features a woman he hooked up with a few times way before we met. They never dated or anything. Still, it bothers me that I have to hear from her on these chats. Am I being unreasonable?

WOMAN

If I understand you correctly, you do not distrust your husband and you do not distrust his friend. And wisely, I guess, don’t ask him to leave a chat with friends simply because he met one of them long before you met.

That leaves three options for dealing with your feelings: Exit the chat. (They’re your husband’s friends, you say.) Mute the wife, if you’d rather stay. Or learn to endure mild annoyance like everyone else in the world.

A case of Buzzer’s remorse

After years of struggling with thinning hair and a receding hairline, I decided to shave my head. I thought it would give me a confidence boost. But as soon as the barber started shaving me, I regretted my decision. I’ve received positive feedback about my bald appearance, but I’m afraid it’s too drastic. So I’ve been wearing hats. Should I let my hair grow out or stick with my new look?

YOUNG MAN

Take it easy on yourself! Almost everyone is insecure about something and it is normal to feel ambivalent after a big change. I have no idea how to style your hair. But I asked my excellent barber, who told me that your impulse to go short was wise, but that you may have been overzealous in cutting it all off. Let your hair grow back to half an inch long. That will attract less attention and not look extreme.

For help with your predicament, send an inquiry to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.