DEAR CAROLINE: I have lost two great loves. Should I give up?

Q I’m an 80 year old man and my life is terrible right now. I feel terribly lonely after losing my second great love. My wife passed away in 2016. We had been very happy together for 55 years and I was devastated. I was lucky when I met a new lady in 2018.

I sold my house and downsized to move in with her, and we had a great time for six years. We did everything together: went on vacation, went on cruises and lived life to the fullest. However, early this year she became very ill and I cared for her for six months until she passed away. I know I have been fortunate to share almost 60 years with such lovely ladies, but now my life feels very empty.

I have joined grief support groups and groups like U3A, but I admit that I would like someone to share my remaining years with. My son and daughter (late 50’s) visit occasionally, but they have busy lives and I don’t want to be a burden. Am I being greedy when I ask for more or should I settle for my own life at my age?

A I am so sorry that you have lost first your wife and now your partner and that life feels empty. I don’t think you’re being greedy if you want someone to share your remaining years with. When a beloved partner dies, some consider it a betrayal if the surviving partner finds new love. However, it is often because someone has been so happy that he/she feels the need to have a new relationship. They know the comfort, companionship and support this can bring and are deprived without this help. I suspect this was true after your first loss and is equally true after your second. I’m sure caring for your second partner was also exhausting and painful and contributed to your grief.

Unfortunately, meeting someone new may not be realistic. If you do, it can of course quickly lead to heartbreak for you or your partner. But even if you take steps to make friends and keep busy—both of which are important—you’re lonely, and something needs to be done about it. Some people just don’t like living alone, and since you haven’t done that since your early twenties, you may need more permanent company.

Perhaps consider a scheme such as that of Homeshare (homeshare.org) or Supportmatch (supportmatch.co.uk), where you offer affordable or free accommodation to a young person in return for companionship and help around the house. It’s also possible that caring for a pet in your home can provide comfort. A retirement community could also be considered. Continue grief counseling to explore these options. I really hope that you can spend Christmas with one of your children and that life will gradually seem more bearable.

I feel compelled to attend the office party

Q My office Christmas party is in two weeks and I’m dreading it. I work for a small company and I think my colleagues are good enough. But even though I’m a woman in my late forties, I’m shy – you might even say socially awkward. My role is largely computer based and most of the time I can keep my head down and get on with my work, which is how I like it.

Unfortunately, we have a new boss and she is young, confident and, honestly, a little brash. She insists we all go because she says it’s good for team morale, but I know she wants everyone on the dance floor. I’m so scared that I’m thinking about getting ‘sick’, but I don’t think I would be comfortable with the cheating.

A I sympathize with you. It’s hard when someone thinks that his or her idea of ​​having a good time – drinking, dancing, being loud – is the same as everyone else’s, when to you these kinds of events sound like torture. It’s especially hard because she’s your boss. Unfortunately, because of your shyness, you may also find it difficult to be assertive and say that this is just not your thing.

Diplomatically, you may need to be present at least for a while. If you do, try to subtly avoid alcohol, as this will reduce your resistance to putting your own needs first and refusing to dance. As long as you’re there early in the evening, your boss probably won’t remember if you leave early. Or you can tell a white lie that you have to be somewhere else. Have you ever considered advice to work on your self-esteem? You sound very intelligent and sensitive, but may not value yourself as you should. See bacp.co.uk.