So many women learn their man’s darkest secrets after asking this one devastating question. I always thought it was just us women – now I cry for these broken men too: AMANDA GOFF

It was a normal Thursday evening when Sarah* and her husband Guy* collapsed on the sofa with a cup of tea each after a day’s work.

There was nothing special about this particular evening: their two teenagers were in their room and the TV was in the background.

The conversation turned to their sixteen-year-old son, who had just started a relationship with a girl from his class. “We must remind him of the chattering of birds and bees!” laughed Sara. “Weren’t you about his age when you lost your virginity to your girlfriend?”

There was a pause before the words tumbled out.

‘I was ten. I was just a little kid. I was abused by a neighbor,” Guy said. ‘I’m sorry. I never told you.’

What happened next is between Guy and Sarah – who are both in their early 40s and work in education – but what I can tell you is that there was shock, sadness, tears and pain.

They had been together for 18 years. How could Guy have kept his secret from Sarah for so many years? How could Sarah not know this about her husband – and in what ways could she now support the man she loved?

In her previous life as a high-class escort, journalist Amanda Goff (photo) met many men who confessed to her that they had been sexually abused as a child. It remains a taboo for men, who often don’t tell anyone what happened to them for the rest of their lives

If you think this is an unusual scenario, think again.

Similar stories can be found all over TikTok, where women encourage each other to ask the men in their lives the same question: “When did you lose your virginity?” The viral trend sheds light on the worrying number of men whose first sexual experience was abuse. In many cases, the men do not even realize that they have been exploited.

The statistics on the exploitation of young boys in Australia are terrifying.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, one in six boys (and one in five girls) has been abused; and one in seven children before the age of 18 will be targeted.

Adam Washbourne is the founder of FACAA (Fighters Against Child Abuse Australia) and runs the ‘Phoenix’ program where victim-survivors participate in what Adam describes as ’empowering’ activities such as martial arts to help them heal from their trauma.

“Statistically, in Australia, about four children are abused in every classroom,” says Adam, 43. ‘It’s happening on every street and in every suburb right now. Child abuse makes no distinction: rich, poor, older, younger.’

Gone are the days when ‘perverts’ were dirty old men in trench coats, the creepy uncle or family friend, or the guy with the ‘puppies’ in his van: pedophiles groom children on the Internet – they infiltrate your living room, they stand ​in your child’s bedroom.

“These predators are coming right into your house today,” Adam says. “They invade your son’s computer games when they play Roblox or Fortnite. They can spot a vulnerable child from a mile away. Don’t think for a moment, because your son is in his bedroom, he is safe. Vigilance and communication with your children are the key to stopping abusers.”

Adam Washbourne, 43, is the founder of FACAA (Fighters Against Child Abuse Australia). He warns that abuse is becoming more common as social media and online video games make it easier than ever for predators to gain access to children in their own bedrooms.

Abused boys naturally become grown men. Many of them keep their childhood trauma a shameful secret and carry the burden alone for the rest of their lives.

Tragically, I have firsthand experience with this.

In my previous life as high-class escort Samantha X, men from different backgrounds confessed to me through tears their devastating secret: that they were groomed and abused at a young age, and that they spent decades trying to forget what happened to them.

Some men feel that they can tell a stranger, like me, about their abuse more easily than the ones they love. While some tell their wives, in my experience most fight their demons alone.

Let me tell you about John*, a banker now in his fifties, who told me that he was abused by a Catholic priest as a teenager.

He never told his (now ex) wife of 30 years because he “didn’t want to upset her.”

And Billy*, a construction worker in his forties, who was cared for and abused by three older men for years from the age of 12.

Both had never told anyone, both felt ashamed and “dirty,” and both had spent their lives questioning their sexuality, not to mention blaming themselves.

I cry for these men, and for the many others who are unhappily married or unable to form healthy relationships because of what happened to them. Some end their lives tragically.

“Some men feel like they can tell a stranger, like me, about their abuse more easily than the people they love,” writes Amanda (this is a stock photo of models)

Andrew Carpenter, a senior associate at Webster Lawyers in South Australia, was once named by a newspaper as “the man most hated by Australian child sex offenders” for leading a campaign for a national sex offender registry. He has also urged that offenders’ pensions be made accessible to their victims.

“Talking about child sexual abuse is still a taboo subject for men,” says Andrew. “Despite sex offenders being universally despised, victim-survivors feel like they will be judged or disbelieved, which is not the case.”

Women have movements like #MeToo, where they can speak out publicly about their abuse, but often men remain silent, terrified of being labeled as weak or even gay.

“We feel a lot of guilt and shame that we let that happen to us, but nothing could be further from the truth,” says Adam.

Men want to be seen as tough. They don’t talk about their feelings. They are supposed to be strong, and they certainly never want to make themselves vulnerable – a sentiment echoed by psychotherapist Julie Sweet of Seaway Counseling and Psychotherapy.

“Shame consistently emerges as a recurring theme in therapy,” says Julie, a therapist who has worked closely with survivors of child sexual abuse for the Royal Commission for 12 years.

It takes an average of 22 years for men to speak out, she reveals.

‘The experience of abuse can be isolating, consuming and overwhelming. Shame and embarrassment, along with anger, surface repeatedly and impact relationships, work and family. In men, this often manifests as hypervigilance, reactivity, post-traumatic stress reactions, emotional dysregulation, anxiety and depression.”

Julie has worked with men who never reported their abuse to the police, family, friends or their adult children. “Many have shared that disclosing their abuse would make them embarrassed and weak, for fear that their partners, family or friends’ perception of them would change and their relationships would be affected,” she explains.

“Some express concern that their children might become afraid of them, or that they may in fact be afraid of themselves.”

The trauma these men experienced as little boys has devastating consequences later in life.

‘Men may experience a range of symptoms including somatic symptoms (physical/bodily), avoidance or withdrawal, instability, dissociation, emotional dysregulation, disturbances, maladaptive coping strategies (self-medication through alcohol and other drugs or gambling), and more. Julie adds.

How can we as women help our brothers, friends, partners and husbands?

“As men, we need women,” says Adam. ‘Not only as a partner, but also as support. If a man – not necessarily your partner – reveals to you that he was abused as a child, listen to him, let him speak. Understand that disclosures are an evolving process, so the exact details may not be 100 percent the same as when he first spoke.”

And respond with love and without judgment, Julie adds.

‘Listen actively, without making assumptions. Let your partner share when he is ready. Ask questions from empathy, not from interrogation.’

She recommends using phrases like “I believe you,” “I’m so glad you shared it with me,” and “Tell me more.”

“Men want to be heard, they want to be seen and, most importantly, they want to be believed.”

Gone are the days of brushing uncomfortable topics under the rug. Times are changing and topics that were taboo decades ago are being widely discussed.

“Twenty years ago people weren’t talking about mental health, ten years ago people weren’t talking about suicide, five years ago people weren’t talking about domestic abuse,” Andrew tells me.

“It’s time we have uncomfortable conversations about uncomfortable topics to prevent future violations.”