Call Moeney: My daughter is diagnosed as autistic. Do I have to worry about her future?

Dear bell,

I write about my 13-year-old daughter, although the problem is much more of me than hers. But she talked to me about this and last night I noticed that I was so anxious that I couldn’t sleep.

Tina was officially diagnosed with autism a year ago. For example, I had to learn a lot about this state by reading books.

In fact, she is only in the first (that is, less serious) part of the spectrum, and I am grateful that we can sit and talk – which would not be possible if she was further in the spectrum.

She is at a fairly extensive level, but unfortunately finds it very difficult to make friends.

I hear her stories being bullied about because she is just ‘different’ and it makes me sad and angry. Although the school is reasonably good, they cannot keep what happens during lunch.

Tina threatens lunch. Children are cruel and terrible, and everyone you tell you differently is a liar.

But adults can also be furious. She was in the house of a schoolmate (which unfortunately is unusual) and the mother told her: “Everyone has some autism in them.” She tried to be friendly, but it had the effect that my daughter put aside. When I read about a celebrity that claims to be ‘in the spectrum’ or to have attention deficit disorders (ADHD), I have to ask myself if they know what they are talking about.

And I have a friend who jokes about obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) – because she likes to control her clothes in color in the wardrobe!

Four years ago my marriage ended in divorce (it was friendly and she has a good time with her father), so it feels like it’s just me and Tina against the world.

She is an unhappy child, confronted with puberty, exams (she is behind school) and all the problems that the world will throw at her.

She loses her patience easily and hits another girl because she was withdrawn into a corner. I had to talk to her teacher and it was resolved, but it is a bad sign.

Am I too dramatic to lie awake at night and worry about her future?

Why do people say cheerfully: ‘Oh yes, I am a bit autistic’ if they have no idea how difficult it can be for those who really are?

Nicola

Call Moeney answers: There is so much in your e -mail – which cannot be more topical. You may be aware of it, but during the week at 1.45 pm BBC Radio 4 broadcast a series called the Autism Curve – about how things have risen enormously.

You have of course read books, but these may be interesting to catch up. It can be reassuring to know that you are not alone and there is in fact real understanding, as well as continuous research.

Well, we have two problems here, right? The first is the problem of poor Tina with school, friendship, bullying and the rest.

As you know, this is not an unusual ‘package’ for an autistic child: they look like other children, but do not behave like them.

As you explain a longer letter, Tina has about copes and does not have to be at a school that is better appointed for extra needs (which would be demonstrably easier in some ways). But she is, you fear, always intended to be a ‘loner’.

In previous generations, before labels (or diagnoses, if you want), there were always such people who were perhaps harder to come along; Sometimes very creative, but always remarkable.

Both today and in the past I wanted them to see themselves that way and respect the rest of the world. But there are no easy answers.

Schools are now merciful to be aware of consciousness, but parents must always be vigilant to ensure that there is maximum support and a clamp on plague heads. At least Tina talks to you and such a proximity is a blessing.

Always be calm and sober, reassure her how much she is loved by you and your ex-husband, and let her know that you are always ready to support her with the school.

This is not a place to sound today about the number of people who think it is cool to identify as a neurodivertent as if it were a fashion accessory. A 20-year-old study has shown an increase in diagnoses of 787 percent, so that many more questions raise than I am qualified to ask in this space.

Like many people, I am very worried about over diagnosis and contamination. It is annoyed to talk to people who talk so faintly about the ‘trauma’ of (say) get caught in traffic and be too late for something important when real trauma ruins lives for years.

Anyway, it might be good to suggest Tina that she will stop herself when mentioning the situation if the answers (even if they are well -intended) will make her worse. That is something to discuss between the two of you, but always emphasize that it is not ‘wrong’ to be different. On the contrary.

I totally agree on the ability of children to mean shocking, and I also understand exactly why you wake yourself up about the future for your daughter.

Growing up has always been difficult, but the internet has increased the challenges than everything that my generation would have considered possible.

It is a hard old world and we simply cannot protect our children and grandchildren against all his slings and arrows. Be very careful not to show your fear, because it will not help Tina.

Instead, when she tells you that she is nonsense in writing or mathematics or whatever, listen hard, but let her know that that is not the only skills that matter.

Find something that belongs to her – such as making bread or cupcakes, or growing plants from seed, or something else – and make it a calming therapy that you can share.

Hold her tight (both physically and emotionally) and help her (and you) trust that you can be ‘against the world’ impregnable.

I can’t continue with unanswered love

Dear bell,

I spent many years in a travel courts with informal relationships and led to a very unreal view of life.

It left me in my late 1930s that I had never had a good relationship.

Through work I met a girl who is funny, interesting and so beautiful. I have fallen completely in love for more than two years.

It took me a long time to admit my feelings because I was afraid when I said something and she was not interested, it would ruin our friendship, but in the end I had to confess.

She said that she was not interested in me that way and luckily our friendship did not suffer. But her to say that no made me that I wanted her even more. I can’t sleep, I can’t think right.

Also what if she doesn’t find someone who thinks as much of her as I do? I hope that with whom she ends, loves her like me, and looks at her how I do it.

Some of me think that if I can’t have her, I don’t want anyone – because I don’t want to ‘establish’ someone else. But another part of me does not want to be lonely for the rest of my life. I don’t know what to do.

Andy

Call Moeney answers: Oh dear, the fatal disease known as unanswered love is centuries old and yet constantly renewed and new.

In the Middle Ages it was something of a literary pose – called the ‘Courtly Love’, it demanded hopeless, steadfast worship of a non -available lady from far.

Needless to say, it often ended in tears. As it still does.

To call your feelings a ‘crush’, she would decrease unfairly. You have to know this perfect, beautiful lady very well in two years, so much so that she really cherishes your friendship. That is special in itself.

It was brave of you to confess your feelings, although you knew they could have prove a shame and ruined the accompanying times that you could share two. It says a lot for her that she did not allow that would happen.

She knew wisely that a friendly but false attempt at romance would have irrevocably doomed the friendship on her side. There you are both – friends who can never become lovers. Be wise and cherish what you have.

Your uncut e -mail tells me that you think she’s still caught you with love. This is something to be very careful – because the way you describe your feelings borders the obsessive.

If you gauge about staring at her with strewn desire, then others can certainly be noted and on time that can annoy her a lot.

It is pretty flattering to be loved, but worship can be annoying. And to be honest, it is very selfish to think that you – and only you – can ‘love her the way I do’.

You know as well as I am that it is to go there and meet other women. You do not want to repeat the irresponsible hedonism of your 20S, but you must grow up and accept the reality of your situation – which means that it agrees that there are many more fish in the sea (or what cliché you want).

You are ‘lonely’ because you refuse to do that and it is not the fault of your friend, but square.

You have to give your heart a strict one to talk to, explain enough! It is over ‘(like that guy in love actually) and’ pleasure ‘to continue.