Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been married for about five years and until recently everything was great.
A few months ago, however, my husband stopped initiating sex. We used to enjoy a fairly active sex life – usually intimate at least three times a week.
Now we have not had sex in months, not even on Valentine's Day, and not even if I do my best to get things going (I turn on sexy lingerie and it didn't work!)
Then, last week, I clocked why we have this terrible dry saying, and I am more upset than ever.
He was showering and I made us eating. I decided to turn on the Bluetooth speaker and listen to some music, but it is automatically connected to his iPhone. Until my horror, porn started to peel on the entire volume.
I quickly switched off the speakers, but then I started listening when he showered to see if it was a one -off or a regular event.
And yes, every time he took a shower, I heard the porn playing in the bathroom.
Dar Jane: My husband and I go through a dry spell. I just realized the depressing reason why.
To be honest, I am afraid that my husband is addicted to porn and is worried about what this will do with our relationship.
And what if the content he looks at is violent? Could he mistreat me in the bedroom?
I have so many questions, but I haven't bothered him yet. I'm not sure what to say.
By,
Pause the porn
International best -selling author Jane Green offers wise advice on the most burning problems of readers in her column Agony Aunt
Best break the porn,
I am going to start with the end of your letter where you assume that the porn he views is violent and will lead to being mistreated in the bedroom.
There is no reason to think.
You also assume that your husband is addicted. And although that could indeed be possible, I would remind you that his looking habit seems to be new behavior.
You have a golden chance to tackle his use of porn earlier It gets out of hand. So I wonder why you couldn't talk to him about it.
If you are ashamed in any way, don't do so.
As for not knowing what I have to say: tell him exactly what you have told me.
He can try to deviate anger and blame you for monitoring him, but ignore that and keep bringing the conversation back to the point in hand: his new porn habit.
Something is wrong with your sex life and you have now discovered its secret.
Keep the judgment out of the discussion. The issue is less its use of porn and more his loss of interest in you.
You have, not unreasonable, derived that the two are connected. But something else can play here. Whatever the reason is, a lack of intimacy in a marriage that is so young is problematic.
I suggest that you are looking for counseling together to determine how you can deal with it.
Dear Jane,
About two years ago my mother asked me if she could temporarily withdraw with me.
In the beginning it was fine, but now it gets too much and she has welcomed her for a long time.
My mother is in the mid -60s and divorced. When she first asked to live with me, she said it would only be a year and that is what my husband agreed.
Now we are in the year two And it influences my marriage.
We have a small house with three children and tensions rise – especially when my mother offers unsolicited parenting advice.
Last week I found out that she encountered financial difficulties and is sued by a creditor for non-payment.
Very embarrassing I was finally served with her court newspapers for my neighbors!
Now I have discovered that she is trying to stay with me longer. I say discovered because she did not ask me, but instead my children crashed to convince me and their father to let her stay.
It has revealed a side of my mother that I really don't like.
She is wild irresponsible with money and complains about not having a male companion, but makes no attempt to come there.
I'm tired of playing the victim. She makes subtle comments about how she 'does not know how she will get' when she left our house.
Of course I love her a lot, but I fear that our living arrangement will ruin our relationship.
By,
Daughter dread
Dear daughter Dread,
What a huge cross to wear.
Your perilous situation will be known to so much.
Of course we owe a duty of care to our parents as they get older and be sick, but there are limits and your mother seems to have no limits.
The fact that in the first place she asked you, in a small house with three young children, is a clear indication of that.
Years ago my former mother -in -law wanted to withdraw with us.
Just like your mother, she was also a woman who would have treated my house as her own.
So I was forced to draw a line and, as difficult as it was, I had to stand my ground and say 'no'.
I knew that if she had been withdrawn, the end of my marriage would have been.
Your family comes first. And because of your family I am talking about your husband and your children.
As difficult as this is to hear, you are make it possible Instead of helping your mother by letting her live with you.
She is old enough to get out of victim mode. The only way for all of you to be free is that you now have it moving.
Help her to find somewhere where she can afford it and, if she can't afford anything, help find her work so that she can.
She asks too much of you and manipulates your family. You have to be very strong here. You will be surprised at how capable your mother is when you remove the safety net you provide.
