“Can we have three?” Tracey Cox reveals how you can ask risky sex questions (without losing your partner)

Do you want to try something new and it is not ‘honey, can we have sex with lighting’?

Many people struggle to ask the most innocent sex questions, let alone to make a potential relationship bomb fall into conversation.

Here I grab four of the most common risky sex questions that people ask me for advice.

Read more – but pull very carefully.

I want three

Are you sure? If you are a man who asks the question, think twice whether it is a combo with two women/one man. The pressure to perform is overwhelming and many men cannot get an erection. Women generally really enjoy the experience of being with another woman and often leave the man behind. Just say!

What is your age and stage? Triusoms have the least fall -out with couples who can separate sex from love and are used to doing sexually ‘risky’ things together. If you have already visited a sex club and have seen how others have sex for you, you have entered a toe and you will probably survive with good communication and rules.

With whom and how often? Is it one -off? Something you would like to do once a year as a ‘treat’? Or is it something you would like to happen to regularly? Your partner who agrees with a one -off is much more likely than the welcome of a third person in your bed every Saturday. Are you planning to ask friends, use an app, hire a sex worker or go to a sex club those trio facilities facilities? Everything will have an influence in the answer you get. (The worst idea you’ve ever had was inviting friends; The best thing is the use of an app such as FEELLEELD).

How to report it: ‘I love our sex life and I love how adventurous we are. There is one thing I want to try, but tell me if it is a bit too much for you. What do you think of a threesome one-off, not something that we would always do ‘.

They are furious? ‘I fully understand why you don’t want that and respect your decision. Let us play it instead. I’m sure that will be just as much fun. ‘

I want an open relationship

Define exactly what you mean by an open or polyamorous relationship. Do you want sex with other people, but only have a love affair with each other? Under what circumstances and with what rules? Because there must be rules to work well.

Alert with a high danger! Simply asking the question can be a dealbreaker for your relationship. The younger you are both, the more receptive your partner is probably (polyamory is now much more common than it was), but if your partner is a monogamist to the core, they will even find the suggestion extremely disturbing.

For many people, Love means only wanting one person and not needing it or wanting others. They must be special enough to meet all your needs. If your partner is traditional, conservative and romantic, assume that the answer will be no and think about what you will do if that is the case.

Start with reassurance. The first thing your partner accepts is that this is an exit route. Say: ‘I love you and want us to be together. But I wanted to talk to you about changing an aspect of the relationship. ‘

Clearly explain what you want. There is no easy way for this, so be in advance. ‘Sexual, I feel that I am not finished experimenting. I wondered if you were open that we can both have sex with other people? I know this will come as a shock and you will have many questions and want to think about this, but I wanted to start a conversation. ‘

Show that you have thought through it. Present the positives and the negatives. The obvious advantage for both of you is that you get the excitement to sleep with new people and the safety of an established relationship. The disadvantage: jealousy and uncertainty are not the only things to contend with. In addition to determining rules for safe sex, you must set emotional limits.

Discuss the rules. Who is allowed as a potential partner, who is not? Who are you going to tell? Do you want to know about these meetings or not? How often and how much time will you spend with others? Can you meet repeated meetings with the same person?

If you have a long, in -depth discussion to set the rules, you can give essential instructions on how well you deal with it.

You will know that it is going well if your partner can logically talk about all these scenarios and not feel rattling or threatened. This may be something that suits them. If they look like they feel sick in the thought, go back. Nobody should feel forced to agree.

Is it a dealbreaker? Personally, I would not ask this question unless it was a dealbreaker. Don’t say that it is a dealbreaker to start with, let your partner think about it and come back with questions. But if they ask it downright, answer honestly.

They are devastated? As I said in the beginning, as soon as it is there, it’s outside. Your partner may never increase that you have suggested this. All you can do is apologize and hope that time heals or walk away and find a partner with similar desires.

I want to watch porn together

Most couples can make a pretty good gamble about how their partner will respond to this. If you both view porno -solo, it is not a huge piece to do it together. If your partner hates porn, they are certainly not open to a shared experience. If you are unsure each other or do not know well, first bring it up as a general subject. Question: “Hey, what are your opinion about porn?” Frame it as an intellectual discussion and if you get an adamental anti-Porno response, you can easily say: ‘That is interesting. I agree with some of your points’. It makes no sense to take this further if that is the case.

Quote a statistics. Suppose you read that 45 percent of the pairs watch porn together. (It’s true.) Just say: “Do you want to try it?” Studies suggest that this can be a healthy way to bind and explore sexual preferences. For younger couples, however, it can have a negative impact.

Offer female -friendly solutions. Most regular porn is very crooked to heterosexual men. Many women hate regular porn, but are open to ethical sites such as Lust Cinema, Make Love Not Porn of Dipsea.

Damage check. A common reaction is that your partner asks: ‘Why am I not enough? So you don’t enjoy the sex we have? “Or” You want to sleep on the screen with the girl/man, is that? ” Load on reassurance: ‘For me, watching porn is just a way to add excitement to a monogamous relationship. It’s fantasy, that’s all. It does not mean that I want you to look like the person or do what the person does. It is pure escapism. If it upset you, I think it’s fine not to do it. ‘

I want sex, but not a relationship

If it is one one, you don’t have to say anything-if they want to see you again. But if it is someone you have seen a few times and you are about to have sex, you have to make it clear. Say: ‘Before this continues, I want to mark it that I am not looking for a relationship now. I just wanted to make that clear ‘.

Then don’t do their girlfriend or boyfriend. Actions speak louder than words and if you have met their families, love their friends and spend five days a week at their house, they assume that you have changed thoughts. If you have not done that, stop the mixed messages: you cannot have it in both ways.

They fell in love anyway and you didn’t. If you are guilty of the above, look deeper to wonder why you only want sex. You may be afraid of dedication instead of making a lifestyle choice. Still sure that sex is everything you want? Remind them of your first conversation. ‘I know things are going really well, but I am still unable to be a serious/long -term/dedication exclusively. Are you still cool with that? . ‘

Tracey products are exclusively available at Lovehoney.co.uk. Listen to her weekly podcast, sextok, where you also listen to your podcasts. Find full details of books and her blog on traceycox.com.