There are two words in the dating vocabulary that I can't stand: Body Count.
It just sounds cheap and filthy. If something you have to confess with a touch of shame. But if our hippie ancestors from the 60s and 70s have taught us something, it is that free love must be celebrated, not whispered in Gedempte Tones.
Heck, even Chelsea Handler joke once joke: “I think we can all agree that sleeping is a great way to meet people.” And first of all … LOL … but also, she's not wrong! I am still friends with some beautiful former bedmates.
That said, questions (or, in some cases, demanding) that your partner reveals how many people they have slept, simply not called. When it comes to the age -old debate 'Body Count' – how many people you have been before your current partner – I think it is fair to say … not of your damn things!
In the spirit of Nosiness (that is what I do best) and the normalization of the field to play a little before I settled with 'the One', I put a call-out on my Instagram followers and asked what happened when their partner discovered their 'body count'.
Here are a few that stood out …
He found my 'list' and turned into a private eye – Emily
Emily told me that she never intended to tell her husband's exact number. But she didn't have to … because he found 'the list'.
Jana Hocking spoke with different women – and some men – about what happened when 'Body Count' became a subject of conversation. Do you have to be honest? (Stock image set by models)
“I held a note on my phone from my early 1920s with the names of the boys I had been to,” she confessed.
'It was no longer what I once looked at, but I never removed it either. One night he borrowed my phone to look for something and went for a deep dive. '
In the beginning he played the cool. Then it became weird.
“He started to bring names from the list into an informal conversation, such as:” Oh, so Ryan took you to a music festival for me? ” Or: “Did you do that with Tom?” Said Emily.
“I laughed at it first, but then he really started to become obsessed. He started checking my social media to see if I still followed one of them. Then he started asking if I had thought of one of them while we were together. '
'The song was getting bigger' – than
Some men discover the song and spiral of their partner in uncertainty. Others are called in a bit.
Dan's girlfriend was about her past from the start.
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking says that your sexual history is not your partner's business, but some men like to know … and they ask for their danger
“She wanted to share her history early,” he said.
“She told me she had been with about 27 boys and a few women. I didn't care. I did not judge. It was just a part of who she was. '
But as their relationship progressed, they also did her revised figures.
'She would call other boys here and there, and at some point I realized that it did not add. So I asked her immediately, and then she came clean. It looked more like 80+ boys and 40 women – plus some she didn't even remember. '
Most men may have responded badly to that. Not then. He was just intrigued.
“At the same time it was an engaging and a surprise,” he admitted.
'It made me see in a different way, not in a bad way, just different. I think I liked that she had lived such a full life for me. '
And did it change their relationship?
'No. If there was something, I respected her honesty, and it made me realize that she chose me from all those men. '
“My drunk confession has ruined our honeymoon” – Sarah
Sarah and her husband were married exactly five days when she was a bit too honest after her third round of Mojitos. We have all been there …
'We were on the balcony of our wedding reissue in Fiji, drank cocktails, when he asked me out of nothing:' With how many boys did you actually sleep? “I was tipsy, so stupid, I told him the truth,” Sarah revealed.
Her husband, who previously said he didn't care for her past, stopped.
“He just stared at me. I laughed and said, “What? Did you expect me to be a virgin?” And he said, “I didn't expect that.”
Jess says that telling her husband about her wild 1920s – including three – reinforces her sex life. Now her husband gets out of hearing her sexy stories (stock image set by models)
The woman who was blind by her husband
It is not always that spouses have picked up their jaws from the floor. In one case, a woman was the one who was blind because of the sexual history of her husband.
Tom had a wild past, but he never thought it would come back to chase him until a drunk school reunion turned his marriage upside down.
'I grew up in the country, where to be honest not much to do on a Saturday night. So we made our own pleasure, “he admitted.
During his twenties, Tom told me that I had a bit of a reputation as the Stadsman (his words). But by the time he met his ex-wife, he had left that life. Or so he thought.
“She knew I was in the neighborhood, but I had never given her details,” he said.
“And she never really asked. We were doing well, so I thought what is the point of digging up the past? '
All of that changed when they went back to his hometown for his school reunion.
'The night started with a great overtaking with old friends, with a few drinks. But then my friends got a bit too loose, “Tom said.
“One of them began to mention names.”
Tom's wife, who initially laughed, suddenly started to remain silent.
“I could see it on her face, she worked it out,” he said.
'And when she realized how much a past I had, it was like a switch turned around. She just stared at me and then got up and left. '
He told me that the drive was brutal back to their hotel.
“She didn't scream, she didn't cry, just creepy calm. She looked at me and said, “I don't even know who I got married.”
Things unraveled in the coming months. “It wasn't like I had false, but she couldn't pass it. She said she had the feeling that she was “lied up by omission”. “
Eventually she called it.
“The school reunion was the last drop,” Tom said.
“And I get it. Maybe if I had been honest before, it would not have been such a shock. Or maybe she was just not the type it can handle. '
Looking back, does he regret that he doesn't tell her? “To be honest, no. I don't think it would have changed the outcome. Some people can separate the past from the present, and some people can't. She couldn't do it. And so it was. '
“It turned on him” – Jess
Not all confessions lead to jealousy. Some have the opposite effect.
Jess told me that she had been with her husband for five years when the subject came with friends during dinner.
“We played one of those foolish” I never have “games, and the question was about trios,” she said.
“I took a sip of my drink, my piece and my husband's eyes said out of his head.”
He had to know more in the taxi ride home.
“He continued to insist. “Was it a man and a girl? Two boys? When was this?” I thought: why not tell the whole story? So I shared my wild days in my twenties. '
Instead of getting crazy, he got excited. After she got home, they didn't even get the bedroom – Jess's husband tore her clothes in the hallway.
“I thought he would be jealous or weird, but he was called in. We had the most amazing sex and he said he thought it was great that I had had these experiences. He said he made me see me in a whole new light. '
Since then, Jess says, their sex life has only gotten better. “He even asks me to describe meetings from the past while we have sex. So in my case, full honesty was actually a victory! '
Something tells me that this is just the beginning for Jess and her husband and soon he will ask her to try some new 'encounters' to tell him about …
“Was I enough for her?” – Mike
And then there was Mike …
Mike met his ex-wife now when they were both 20. She had slept in front of him with 27 people, while he had only been there. In the beginning he told himself that it didn't matter, but after a while the strong contrast played in his head.
“There was never a judgment on my part,” he said.
“I didn't think any less of her. It was not a “shameful” thing. But I would lie if I said it wasn't with me. '
Instead of feeling resentment towards her, Mike felt insufficient.
“It felt a bit like catching up in terms of experience, but without increasing my own number,” he said.
“I wondered if I was enough for her, or if I missed something that all those other guys had.”
Looking back, he realizes that it was never really a problem – just something he had built up in his head. “It wasn't about her, it was about me. And now, after more life experience, I can see that it really didn't matter at all. '
I asked him what he had learned from it and he told me 'if you are safe in yourself and your relationship, numbers mean nothing. But if there is already an uncertainty, it can stick to any detail and Fester. I wish I had thought of that before. '
And finally …
So what is the moral of the story? Read the room (or just don't ask!)
After hearing so many stories, one thing became crystal clear – when it comes to revealing your past, the most important things to remember are:
1) Is this the right time?
2) Do they really have to know?
3) Can they deal with it?
Some men may be really open -minded and detached. Others can say they don't care, just to change in Sherlock Holmes when you get off your phone. Some may never ask – but that does not mean that you have to do the information about a round tequila recordings.
At the end of the day your experiences from the past form you, but they do not define your current relationship. So if you are ever asked, remember: some figures can best be stored in the safe. Of course you want to visit that safe from time to time to remember the good times. But they were exactly that, your times, not your partner's.
Or alternatively you can just possess it and live carelessly as Mae West, who once said: 'I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who has lost her reputation and never missed it. '
