When I was an oncological nurse, a 44-year-old patient named Madeline changed my perception of death forever.
She had gallbladder cancer and one day her hip broke. This sent her to the hospital, accompanied by her sister. Within a few days a blood clot traveled from the hip of Madeline to her lung, reducing blood circulation by her body.
When she thanked her doctor for everything that had been done for her, it was clear that Madeline knew something that the doctors did not even know: she was not going to do this.
One evening after she woke up from a nap, she said: 'Get my sister! I'm over! '
She said it with so much excitement, as if she arrived in a foreign country for the first time, ready for a new and exciting adventure.
Her was really what I came to call a 'good death'. She was not only not afraid, but even enthusiastic about experiencing.
Can you imagine it? She could see and feel something that most of us cannot and see her through it, transformed how I thought about death.
Certainly not everyone has an experience such as Madeline's at the end, and I felt miserable in regular hospital nursing, where we didn't get enough time with patients.
Suzanne's experience with dying patients led her to change the career path
So, although it was not very practically useful, I listened to my heart and went to Hospice nursing. Once I did that, I saw clear patterns among countless patients who die my thoughts and even changed the way I started to lead my life.
Regardless of someone's cultural background or religious beliefs, there are four common things that die people say by the end:
There is no dead. I'm going home.
Whether or not they speak with loved ones who are already dead or have believed in it in the course of their lives, they seem to have the science that they are known somewhere that no longer requires a body.
Everything happens for a reason.
I have listened to so many dying patients, tell me that they suddenly understand why they had some of their most painful experiences.
They have a revelation about the lessons they have learned and why those experiences were necessary and valuable to help them grow and change.
It is a kind of 'life review' and a sudden flood of wisdom that could escape them most of their lives. It brings them enormous comfort because they no longer feel that they were being punished or that their pain was random.
There is no judgment.
They often realize that their mistakes in life were the result of their humanity, and they feel new forgiveness – for themselves and for others.
People in the vicinity of death seem to have the science that they are familiar with somewhere that no longer requires a body
Even those who had been intolerable or purchased resentment often suddenly conclude that we are all in this together
They say there is no settlement or punishment after death. Instead, everything they did in the name of learning was love.
We are all connected to one unconditional loving energy.
Even those who had been intolerant or purchased resentment often suddenly conclude that we are all in this together – people of all the stripes, religions and countries. They feel a deep connection with not only all people, but all species of animals to trees to molecules.
It is a profound spiritual experience that sometimes comes a surprise to their loved ones, and it enormates the transition from life to death.
In addition to these four things that people say at the end of life, there are other phenomena that are incredibly common among the dying.
They get an eruption of energy.
We often call this a “end of life.” Even if someone is sleeping for weeks, is unable to speak or move, they often wake up for a short period with unusual power, both physically and mentally, to say goodbye and express their love, but dies soon after.
They control the date and time that they die.
I have seen more people than I can remember, waiting for something specific before they let go. They can wait for a certain date, such as their own birthday, a birthday or the arrival of a grandchild.
I have seen more people than I can remember, waiting for something specific before they let go
For example, I know a woman who lay on her deathbed for ten days until she finally died four hours after midnight on her 100th birthday
For example, I know a woman who lay on her deathbed for ten days until she finally died four hours after midnight on her 100th birthday.
The dying often wait until a special person can visit them so that they can say goodbye, or wait for permission to go because they are worried about leaving their loved ones.
In this case it can be useful to hear a soft 'I love you and will miss you, but it's ok for you to go. I don't want you to suffer. '
Sometimes they wait until a loved one leaves the room.
This can be painful for those who stay behind, but Hospice nurses know this phenomenon so well that we prepare family and friends for the possibility. It could be that if their last act of love, the dying person wants to save the pain to witness their last breath.
This even happens when the dying person is in a sleeping coma. Somehow they still know when we leave the room.
They talk about visits from the dead – even when they are awake, not just when they sleep.
Research has shown that no less than 72 percent of the dying talk about seeing and speaking with their loved ones who have already died.
Some people reject these experiences as hallucinating, but perhaps it is just as easy to think that they actually make contact with the dead. Many family members and friends find this reassuring and consider it confirming that we only change shape when we die.
Whether you choose to believe that dying with the 'other side' communicating, the best you can do is validate their experience.
I knew a dying woman named Helen who said her deceased husband would come that weekend to take her to a dance, and she needed something to wear.
Her niece found a nice dress in the cupboard … which she placed in the bedroom where she could see every day. Helen died that weekend in a state of deep peace
Her niece found a nice dress in the cupboard, along with red patent leather shoes, which she placed in the bedroom where she could see every day. Helen died that weekend in a state of in -depth peace.
After looking and listening to so many dying patients, I started to lead my own life as if every day is a life in itself. It might be the last day I get, so I strive to be completely present and make the best of it, so that all the small, beautiful moments that come my way.
I am looking for how I can be the highest service to others, even if it is as simple as smiling at a stranger or keeping a door open for someone.
I listen to my inner guidance, just as I did when I switched from medical floor nursing to Hospice nursing and found my true calling … And just like I did when I left Hospice's nursing to start the Dougivers Institute, with which I can train both professionals and family care to better understand and treat the end of life.
I strive not to judge myself or others and, just like dying, see life as a series of lessons that help us become better versions of ourselves. I see the relationship between all beings of life and looking for the saint everywhere.
I also concentrate on gratitude every day, but perhaps I am most grateful for the many patients who have shown me that there is actually beauty in dying. They showed me that our lives and death are a seamless, holy trajectory that we all share.
The Good Death: a guide for supporting your loved one until the end of life through Suzanne B. O'Brien is published by Little, Brown Spark, March 18
