I could forgive my 51-year-old husband for having a secret only fans. But when I saw who he was subscribed to, I got a panic attack: Saucy Secrets

Dear Jana,

My newly divorced best friend has just started seeing someone new, and she’s head over heels.

The problem is that I used to come to him.

It was never serious, only a flirt in the early 2000s when we worked at the same large bank.

However, it was certainly more than a stand of one night.

She has no idea. And although I have no persistent feelings for this man – it’s more than two decades ago – I think I should tell her.

My great fear is that she will find out from him and regards it as a betrayal.

Dilemma.

Dear dilemma,

I will be honest with you – there are few sentences that are more frightening for a woman than: “I also slept with him.”

But I heard it before and I said it before.

Because these are the times in which we live. I learned fairly quickly that once you hit your mid -thirty, it becomes surprisingly common to be ‘spit sisters’ with your friends – excuse the gross term – especially if you all live in the same city.

The most important thing to note is that you are not the villain here. It happens.

There is Do not deny that you have seen the cock of your bestie, and that will cause dramas if it is not revealed in a timely and sensitive way.

And it must come from you because it would be strange of him.

So walk your big girls and tell the hair.

And don’t forget that you don’t cause a drama; This is not betrayal. You only cover your bases, so this does not spirit in a problem in five years when these two are about to walk through the aisle and suddenly you notice that you are blocked from the Bridal Party WhatsApp group that wondering me: “What did I do wrong?”

We can all have a past. But if she finds out later – especially of him – she will not be angry with the Fling. She will be injured that you didn’t say anything.

And to be honest, it feels a bit dodgy if you don’t pick.

So take deep breath, pour her a glass of wine and say: ‘Right, this is uncomfortable, but full disclosure – I had a short, pants moment with Craig in the 2000s. Nothing serious, but I just didn’t want you to hear it from someone else. ‘

She will laugh. Or shiver. Or both. It can be uncomfortable for a while, but she gets over it.

And whatever you do, don’t be overly friendly to him when you all hang out. Your friend will look You both love a hawk.

Dear Jana,

My husband and I share a laptop. Recently, while typing the Chrome Search tab, I noticed it Only fans Come on as a previously visited website.

I clicked and discovered that an e -mail and password was saved.

My heart sank because I never thought this was something that my husband, who is 51, would do behind my back. But I logged in.

He was subscribed to one account. Only one. And she was not a stranger – she was a woman we both knew. The 21-year-old friend of our daughter.

I felt sick in my stomach. The only thing that kept me from divorcing him on the spot was the knowledge that this girl was 18 when she met our daughter at the university – thankagan. If she had been a friend of school, you bet he would be out the door.

I have not said anything to him yet, but I am devastated. I know he has exceeded a line, but that also applies to logging in to his account.

I understand that men view online pornography, but this feels different.

Do I have to confront him?

Piece.

Best torn,

The problem with male sexual desire is that it often pops up in ways that women disgust.

I like older gentlemen with beards, perhaps a tattoo or two, and that lived a-life energy that says: “I can build a book shelf for you and make you a dirty Martini.”

Men, on the other hand, seem to give their wives prefer to young, permanent and (let me be perfect here) verifiable.

It is dirty, but not illegal. And if we are honest, what a man looks at in his own private time is that we should not be ashamed – unless it exceeds an obvious line.

What that does in this case.

Because this is not just porn. It is not an anonymous tits McGee. It is someone he knows in real life, a 21-year-old girl that you both met in a family situation and probably laughed at your husband’s lame daddy.

It is crimping and inappropriate.

So let’s not dress it up: your husband is a scary old man.

He exceeded a line when he subscribed. You may not know this, but this means she knows he is looking. (Yes, Only fans models can see who subscribes to that.)

It is therefore possible that he does more than just pressing her photos. He may be want to Her to know he is looking.

If this is the case, we are talking about more than just harmless, incidental porn consumption.

You should absolutely confront him. Tell him that he must unsubscribe or your marriage is over – give him all the time in the world to send girls on fans alone.

Dear Jana,

A few weeks ago I had ‘The Talk’ with my new boyfriend that he stayed in contact with Exen and old hinge competitions.

He was still friends with them on Facebook and followed them on Instagram, which is fine, but I was not at ease with the messages, comments and story answers.

It felt like he literally spoke with them every day, even in my presence.

His friendships are his business, but it felt like he was holding one foot in his old single life.

So he agreed to stop the messages and comments, and everything seemed to be normal again.

Then I discovered that he still had contact with them on Strava. It is a current app for fitness stamps that he knows I am not using and I only implemented what he did because I saw e -mail warnings on his phone when one of these girls answered him.

I feel betrayed. I asked him to stop and he still does it, hoping he will not be caught. What should I do?

Running dedication.

Best running of dedication,

You are both wrong here.

You give off the check and he gives off ‘don’t tell me what to do’ – although in a passive way.

The fact that you know who his exes are, and how he communicates with them, tells me that you have become a super treasure hunt and have followed every movement. That is not healthy.

It takes up far too much energy that you could use somewhere else – such as your career or the bedroom.

A male friend recently told me that his girlfriend goes through his Instagram and demands how he knows every woman he follows. I could think that ‘red flag’ was.

And you give the same type of energy.

In a safe relationship you would not feel the need to do that. So ask yourself – does this come from luggage that you are still walking around with relationships from the past, or is it because you know deep down that he is planning something?

Find out which one, because that is your starting point.

Psychologically, if you tell someone that they can’t have something, their brains starts to observe it. It is the same reason why we all want to cut carbohydrates until someone mentions garlic bread, and then we are only on garlic bread.

You told him to stop the messages and suddenly he found a cunning way around it. I wonder what would have happened if you just didn’t respond or put hard and fast rules in place?

But here he loses me: he knew what you meant. He agreed to stop. And instead of being in advance or negotiating a border that worked for both of you, he simply moved the behavior to a new platform.

That is significant. So maybe your Spidey senses were going on.

For me it seems that he is fighting passive-aggressive against a rule that you have set up, instead of just telling you: “No, I can choose with whom I am still friends, not you.”

But on the other hand, it can also be the proof that he is not ready to completely close the door to his single life. He clearly likes the idea of ​​having a relationship, but he also likes to hold a fan club stand -Bby.

It is a dopamine hit and an ego boost. That small sensation of knowing someone there still thinks he is hot in cycling pants.

So yes, you helped create this dynamic by trying to monitor his inbox. But he escalated it by lying away.

Tell him that you are not interested in being the social media police. Or he wants to be completely in the relationship, or he wants to keep one foot in his only life.

He can’t have both.