Dear Jane: My roommate stole something deeply intimate from me … and used it with a random man

Dear Jane,

When I moved to New York CityI couldn’t afford to rent my own apartment, so I became a member of one Facebook group to find a roommate.

I have moved in with a girl who is very different from me, but nice enough to live with.

I work a job of 9 to 5 and have a very busy social life, while she is an artist and usually stays at home.

We don’t spend much time together – I usually only see her casually.

When I came home from work earlier this week, I was surprised to see my bedroom door open (I always keep it closed), and when I went inside, I noticed that my underwear drawer left a crack.

As a result, I was extremely disturbed and instinctively assumed that someone had broken into, so I sent my roommate an SMS and asked if she had seen something suspicious.

She immediately confessed that she had been to my room and told me casually that she had to borrow a bra … so she took one of me.

The next evening, when I got home from work, she explained to me (to my absolute horror) that she had worn my bra on a first date – and that she went home with the man and slept with him.

Are I wrong to continue this? She not only wore my underwear without asking, but she was also intimate with a random man while she was wearing my bra. And then she was bizarre casual about the whole situation.

To be honest, it ensures that I want to move, but our apartment is really fun and the rent is so affordable. Do I have to confront her, or just put a lock on my door and try to avoid her as much as possible?

By,

Lingerie Leninger

Dear Lingerie Leninger,

It is so difficult to tell someone when their behavior hurt us.

In your case, I think you don’t want to rock the boat or cause tension in your relationship by worrying.

But something has to be said.

No one Has the right to come to your bedroom without permission, let alone ‘borrow’ your clothes.

You have to confront your roommate with what she did – but you don’t have to be combative.

Instead of considering it a confrontation, even see it as a conversation.

The best way to tell someone you feel uncomfortable is to start with ‘I felt …’ sentences, instead of ‘you or your behavior …’

It is difficult to argue with someone’s feelings. If you start with the fact that you feel uncomfortable, violated or not respected if someone does something, there can’t be many. Conversely, pointing the finger can make them defensive.

Just try to say something, the rules of: “I felt violated when you entered my bedroom without my knowledge and helped yourself with my clothes.”

You can continue with how uncomfortable you are in the idea that someone else is wearing your underwear, and asking that she does not do this without your permission.

Remember that it is completely within your right to set this limit. If she does it again, you can have the same conversation and let her know that you were now a lock at your door.

Dear Jane,

My father -in -law suddenly died last year.

The will he left called his brother and my husband as executors.

His brother was not interested in dealing with the will, so my husband and I spent weeks setting paperwork, contacting people and paying reimbursements.

The will stated that the house would be left to his brother, while my 23-year-old daughter would receive the money from my father-in-law, which was around $ 100,000.

After learning this news, his brother became furious. He said some really hurtful things about our family, including that my ‘spoiled’ daughter ‘was unmerited’ of the inheritance money.

Although his brother’s reaction has made me angry, it has made my husband deeply depressed and very anxious.

He still mourns his father’s death and now his uncle will not even speak to him.

My husband wants to give his uncle half the inheritance to make up for it, but I don’t want this to happen. I think the money should stay with my daughter where it was intended so that she can pay off her student loans and build up her savings.

It is the side of my husband of the family, so in the end it is his decision. How can I convince him to do what is best for our daughter?

By,

Will Will wish

Best Will wishes,

What a difficult situation!

I understand the wish of your husband to make peace completely by giving his uncle half the inheritance, but I am with you.

We must assume that someone’s will contains his last wishes. Your deceased father -in -law made clear his wishes and he certainly did not ignore the needs of his brother.

I have no idea where you live, but given the costs of real estate in the United States nowadays, I assume that the value of his house is more than $ 100,000. In that case your husband’s uncle is taken care of.

But anyway, there is a bigger problem here.

It is important to understand that we cannot control other people. If your husband will feel better about himself who gives his uncle half of the money, there is nothing you can do.

He criticizes him because he removes your daughter’s money, will only come between you two.

Heaven your feelings in all respects to your husband, but you must accept his final decision.

You don’t have to have a relationship with his uncle, and I imagine that you probably don’t want that after his comments about your daughter who is spoiled, but you can’t stand your husband in the way of a relationship with him.

Instead of focusing on what your daughter does not have, you concentrate on how happy she is to have an unexpected $ 50,000.

Gratitude makes everything better in life. Choosing to concentrate on blessings instead of burdens makes the way free to a peaceful life.