I never wanted children and I am traumatized by childbirth, says Ashley James

PREGNANCY and childbirth are often seen as magical experiences, but for many people they are a downright nightmare.

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Ashley James, 37, was among the unlucky ones who had a less than pleasant birth.

The whole ordeal has left her “traumatized,” but some say she has no one to blame but herself for her experience.

Before Ashley met her partner Tom Andrews (32), with whom she had two young children Ada and Alfie, she said she “never wanted children.”

“It’s not like I ever expected to be a mother. I always wanted to have a life without children,” she adds.

But when she gave birth to her son Alfie during lockdown and spent the first six months “in total bliss”, she thought the change would be permanent.

It wasn’t until the world opened up again that she realised how much her life had changed and longed for her old life again.

“I felt like I was living out the reasons why I didn’t want to be a mother in that reality,” she said.

“Then you would feel guilty because you always wanted a child gone, because you clearly love them and want the best for them.”

In the podcast Made by Mummas, the presenter also explained how her birth experience left her ‘traumatized’.

Ashley said she was denied pain medication during labor, even though she wanted it.

“They not only kept brushing me off, but they said, ‘If you let us do this, we’ll give you pain medication.’ So it was the physical exams that were really torture,” she explained.

“They basically pinned me down and forced me to do these checks and [the pain relief] never came.”

Because she gave birth during the lockdown, Ashley says she also had to ‘beg’ for her partner Tom to be allowed to be with her in the hospital.

This meant that the ‘positive attitude’ she had before contractions started quickly disappeared.

“Having run a few London marathons, I know I can push my body past the pain.

“But when I got there it really started to hit me. I was in constant pain, pretty bad pain for 18 hours,” the former Made In Chelsea star told fans on Instagram.

After giving birth to Alfie, Ashley studied the hospital records of her birth and was shocked to discover that the only reason she had been denied pain relief was because she was doing ‘fine’.

The mother even discussed this with her partner, who agreed with her that she clearly wanted some form of pain relief during labor.

“It was the worst experience and it completely broke my confidence in me [with medical professionals],” she said.

Unfortunately, the lack of pain relief was only part of the problem for the reality star. She also claims she was “improperly stitched,” which led to fecal incontinence and the inability to hold her bowel movements.

“I felt disgusting,” she admitted.

“I went from being a very healthy, athletic person to suddenly not knowing if I could trust my body anymore.”

It’s not like I have a badge of honor, I’m literally traumatized for life.”

Ashley James 37

At that time, Ashley was also diagnosed with vaginismus, an involuntary contraction of the vagina that can make sex and even inserting a tampon excruciatingly painful.

Before her diagnosis and eventual resolution 22 months after giving birth, Ashley said doctors told her the pain was “all in her head.”

“How come people tell me it’s all in my head, like I’m a crazy woman, when it’s something women understand?” she said.

The presenter even admitted that people had little sympathy for her because she was having such a hard time.

Ashley is keen to challenge this narrative about postnatal care.

“When I try to talk about it, I think, ‘Well, at least Alfie was safe,’ and ‘Do you think you’re the first person to have a child?’

“Then you also get that toxic, positive story of ‘all you hear are negative birth experiences’ and then I think: it’s not like I have a badge of honor, I’m literally traumatized for life.”

Ashley continues: “It’s so frustrating because we blame the women for the bad experience.”

When the mother spoke about her negative experience, she said she felt she always had to tie it back to the fact that she “obviously loves her children.”

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