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Romantic relationships can be a source of deep joy and satisfaction, but also a real challenge to navigate.
As reporters covering relationships for Well, we’re lucky enough to spend hours each week talking to researchers, relationship counselors, and sex therapists who are among the leading experts on love and who have seemingly endless wisdom to impart. (Have our own relationships been better for it? You’d have to ask our partners.)
Below, you’ll find some of the most helpful advice we’ve heard so far this year, whether you’re looking for new ways to connect, spice up your sex life, or simply strengthen your relationship.
1. Learn How to Apologize Satisfactorily (In 6 Easy Steps).
Saying sorry can be hard because it requires vulnerability and humility, says Lisa Leopold, who studies apologies. She and other experts have boiled down a good apology into six steps:
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First say, “I apologize” or “I’m sorry.” Using an “I” statement reinforces your apology by taking responsibility, Ms. Leopold says.
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Second, you need to explain why you’re sorry. Being specific about what you did can help the other person feel understood, says Beth Polin, another academic who studies apologies.
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Third, acknowledge the harm you have caused.
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Fourth, promise not to do it again (if that’s realistic).
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Fifth, offer to rectify the situation.
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Finally, let the person know that you want his or her forgiveness, not because you want to get out of it, but “because you care so much about him or her,” says Karina Schumann, a social psychologist who specializes in conflict resolution.
For remorse to be truly effective, it must focus on the other person’s feelings and needs, not your own, Dr. Schumann says.
2. Embrace those awkward sex conversations.
Some couples find the prospect of a frank conversation about sex so uncomfortable that they’d rather break up than try, says Jeffrey Chernin, a therapist in Los Angeles. But he often tells his clients that the only way to have better sex is to talk about it.
A simple mindset shift that can help is to anticipate that talking about sex will be awkward, especially in the beginning, and especially if you or your partner is reluctant.
“We’ve been fooled into believing that sex is natural,” said Cyndi Darnell, a therapist in New York City. “But if it were easy and natural, people wouldn’t have as much trouble with it as they do.” You could prepare some questions or even a script ahead of time, she added. That can help provide some guidance as you ease into the topic.
3. Create a playful atmosphere in financial conversations.
Money is another taboo topic for many couples, and it can be painful for those struggling financially. Still, it’s a mistake to only talk about the bad stuff, said Megan McCoy, an assistant professor in the department of personal financial planning at Kansas State University.
A few times a year, she and her husband buy a lottery ticket, go on a date, and fantasize about what they would do with their millions. That kind of daydreaming can help you reconnect with your dreams and values, even if it’s completely far-fetched.
“I really think it’s a huge mistake to only talk about scarcity — where to cut, how to budget,” Dr. McCoy said. “You can learn so much from those positive, playful conversations.”
4. To strengthen the bond between you, read to each other.
When we think of reading aloud, we often associate it with children, said award-winning children’s author Kate DiCamillo. But adults need to hear stories read aloud, too, she said.
Maryanne Wolf, a researcher and scientist at UCLA, said, “Through reading, we convey emotion, we convey affection.”
You can read a passage to your partner before bed, Ms. DiCamillo suggested. Reading aloud is a profound way to connect with someone: “You’re offering yourself,” she said. “It doesn’t have to be perfect.”
5. If your partner ignores a health problem, work together to find a solution.
When one person in a relationship refuses to address a health issue, it can leave the other person frustrated and resentful. But using guilt or pressure to get your partner to take action rarely works, experts say.
Begin the conversation by expressing your affection and calmly sharing your concerns. That can disarm a reluctant partner, says Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist at Northwestern University.
Then ask about any health concerns and listen with an open mind, says Dr. Steven Starks, a geriatrician and psychiatrist at the University of Houston.
Indicate specific ways in which you would be willing to help, such as scheduling appointments or going along to appointments to take notes, Dr. Solomon says.
And if you’re encouraging your partner to live healthier, find ways to actively support those changes. For example, take regular walks together, says Jennifer Taber, an associate professor of psychology at Kent State University.
6. To avoid arguments about clutter in your home, focus on functionality.
Tracy McCubbin, a professional cleaner married to a messy man, says that couples who find organizational mismatches and yet find peace value livability over appearance.
“The goal of getting organized is to make your home work for you,” she said. “It’s not about rainbow bookshelves or making things look perfect. It’s about getting clutter under control so you can cook in your kitchen and actually use your garage.”
Ms. McCubbin encourages her clients to put most of their energy into their common spaces. For example, she and her husband like to cook, so the kitchen has to work for both of them. But she doesn’t worry about the clutter in his bathroom or office.
