Dear Jana,
I am considering canceling my wedding. A few weeks ago we both had our own bachelorette parties and we had agreed to hire strippers. I felt comfortable with some level of physical interaction – like a lap dance.
However, I later heard from a friend of a friend that my fiancé had allegedly had oral sex from the stripper in front of everyone. He denies it, but I have asked my friends to subtly ask their partners if they saw anything and the stories are mixed – one friend’s partner who is not very trustworthy said it happened, while others say they saw nothing.
I have tried contacting the stripper company but have yet to receive a response.
Since we’re getting married in two weeks and the guests are already making travel plans, should I stick to my decision to call off the wedding despite the lack of concrete evidence?
Anonymously
Girl, he did it.
You know he did it, I know he did it, the stripper company knows he did it. Oh, and ALL his friends know he did it. But like the old “what happens on tour, stays on tour” scenario, they’ll never admit it.
Jana Hocking shares her advice for Australians in tricky, sexy and downright awkward situations
Here’s an idea, how about postponing the wedding instead of canceling it right away. Ask him directly, and don’t just listen to what he says, pay attention to his body language. I remember talking to an FBI investigator a few months ago and he said there are a few easy signs you can pick up that someone is lying to you:
– Not making eye contact or making too much eye contact
– Rapid blinking – apparently liars blink up to eight times faster than someone telling the truth
– Overreacting – trying to trick you into thinking you are being ridiculous
– Fidgeting – oh a sure sign of nerves
I’m so sorry you’re going through this on one of the most magical days of your life, but it’s best to know before you tie the knot. Divorce is expensive!
Dear Jana,
Okay, here’s the deal – I started seeing this amazing woman who’s a huge TV star. She has a huge following and her career goes way beyond mine – I’m just a plumber, you know? It’s hard not to feel like I’m not good enough, especially when all these guys are hitting on her all the time when we’re out.
I try not to let my jealousy get the best of me, but I really struggle with imposter syndrome. How do I get over these feelings and see myself as her equal in this relationship? I’m afraid I’m sabotaging things because of my own insecurities. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this?
Anonymously
Oh anonymous, from one green eyed monster to another, let me be honest with you. Jealousy is an absolute head f**k. Trust me, I’ve been there myself, and you know where it got me? Dumped! There it is.
So, trust me when I say you need to let it go. That may sound easier said than done, but luckily I’ve come up with some handy reminders to tell yourself when you’re feeling a little Shrek-like:
1. Remember, she chose YOU! I have no doubt she’s probably had her fair share of spotlight-hungry lotharios, and she’s probably done with it. So be glad she’s hungry for a gorgeously normal guy to bring her back down to earth.
2. She works in a heavy industry that probably requires her to be in her masculine energy. You are a big, masculine plumber, so that probably allows her to ease back into her feminine energy. So treat her like a princess and sit back and think that she likes you for your masculine actions and behavior. It is a positive, not a negative.
Wise words: ‘I myself have also suffered from a nasty jealousy attack, and do you know what that led to? Dumped! There it is,’ says Jana
3. Remember, while her life may seem glitzy and glamorous, I assure you it probably isn’t. Sure, there are some nice lunches and awards nights, but she’s also dealing with big egos, layoffs, fierce competition, and an industry that cares little for an aging beauty. So if you take away the lights, camera, and action, she’s just like any other person trying to climb the career ladder and juggle a healthy love life.
One last word, change the narrative when it comes to feeling insecure about guys hitting on her. Instead of feeling threatened, how about reminding yourself that she is hot and YOU get to be with her. Appreciate their admiration and give yourself a silent pat on the back for snagging a hottie. It might even be a turn on. Use it.
Dear Jana,
I am addicted to cheating. I love him with all my heart but the thought that he is my only lover for the rest of my life makes me deeply sad.
I love feeling single and having the world at my feet. When I’m away for work, I get a real kick out of going to bars and picking up guys. Dressing sexy, flirting, getting that first kiss, illicit sex in my hotel room, and the naughty texts I get on my Signal app that I know my husband will never see. It makes me feel alive.
I’ve tried to give it all up but life just feels a bit dull. I know I’m taking the risk of him finding out but it’s like a drug. How do I stop without feeling like something is missing?
Anonymously
Dear anonymous,
Oh lordy, what a mess you have! But before we all grab our pitchforks and figuratively throw you on the stake, let’s delve a little deeper into this rather scandalous question.
I can imagine that the thrill of these secret nude encounters can be very addictive. Honestly. However, I think there is something deeper going on here…
It sounds like you’re finding life a little dull without the thrill of the chase. Is it the novelty and excitement, or is something missing in your current relationship? Sometimes what we think we want on the outside can actually be a sign that something inside needs attention.
Maybe it’s your self-worth? A lot of us need that external validation to feel whole (I’m looking at you, every married dude who’s ever slid into my DMs!), but trust me, with a little self-reflection, you can find it within yourself. I know it all sounds a bit cheesy, but it’s true.
I think you should also consider having an open conversation with your husband about your needs and desires. It may seem daunting, but maybe you can do some “exciting” things together. Like going to a swingers party or somewhere else you shouldn’t be (like a movie theater). Doing these things together can help you avoid doing them in secret.
You might be surprised to find that your man has a naughty side that wants to come out, too. Give your excitement a new (and more inclusive) twist and you might just save your relationship.
