How I gave birth to my husband’s children… after he died

Snuggling in for a cuddle at bedtime, seven-year-old Laurie Lloyd-Wilson whispers words that make his mother Josie’s heart ache.

‘I miss Daddy,’ he says, as Josie holds him tight, his sadness mirroring her own.

Laurie’s parents are not divorced, nor is his father away with work.

In fact, the little boy has never met his dad, who died before his birth. Yet while he may be missing a parent he has never known, the feelings of loss are no less. And it’s something that causes Josie waves of guilt.

Because she and her husband Robbie had known it was highly likely he was going to die of bowel cancer when they transferred the frozen embryo that was Laurie into her womb.

Their desperately wanted son was just an eight-week-old foetus when Robbie passed away, aged 34, leaving Josie widowed at 30 and facing parenthood alone.

Yet Laurie is not an only child.

Two years after he was born, Josie used another of her and Robbie’s frozen embryos to give him a younger sister, Connie, now five.

Some will question Josie’s decision to have one, let alone two, children knowing they wouldn’t have their father in their life. Certainly, it required a lot of soul-searching on her part.

‘During my pregnancy with both children, I focused on feeling like I was keeping a piece of Robbie with me through them,’ she says.

‘But after giving birth, I suffered enormous guilt at the realisation I had robbed these babies of having two happy parents.

‘They were going to grow up with no father, a mother with her own grief, and every moment and milestone was going to be different because one of their parents wasn’t there.

‘Particularly Laurie, as he is older, will say he misses his dad and wishes he was here, and that is so hard to hear because I chose this for him.

‘All I can do is tell him I miss Daddy too, and how much Robbie loved Laurie and Connie from the moment they were conceived, even if he never got the chance to be with them.’

Yet though she still struggles with the complex emotions that accompany such an unusual path into motherhood, Josie is sure she made the right decision – both times.

‘Even when we knew Robbie was dying, I felt an overwhelming need to have his baby. It was what we’d always dreamed of and I knew it was the path I was meant to take, even if I had to walk it alone. Robbie felt the same way,’ she says. ‘They made life worth living after he was gone.’

To ensure Robbie is ‘present’ in family life, there are photos of him around the home, including in the children’s bedrooms, at their request.

‘Until recently, I couldn’t bear to have photos of me and Robbie together in the house. I found it so painful to look at us, so happy, with no idea what was around the corner,’

Josie says. ‘It was the children who kept asking to see us together, to picture us as ‘Mum and Dad’.

‘I know for other bereaved families, having photos of the parent who died is about preserving memories, but Laurie and Connie have no memories of their dad. Instead, I’m trying to ensure they grow up knowing that, despite the fact Robbie died before their births, there was an emotional bond between them and him.’

Some may question if this might cause the children to experience a grief they would not otherwise have felt, but Josie stresses she is always led by the children.

‘I’ve always been honest with the children about what happened,’ says Josie, now 38, a professional musician from Surrey. ‘I’ve told them Daddy got sick and doctors weren’t able to save him, but they were able to help me have his babies.

‘They understand Daddy loved them so much and wanted them more than anything.’

A more perfectly matched pair than Josie and Robbie would be hard to find. Both talented musicians, after meeting online they had their first date in February 2013, with Robbie coming to watch Josie sing at a candlelit concert.

‘I remember scanning the crowd looking for him, my heart thumping with nerves. We had such a spark online, but I had no idea if that would translate into real life,’ she says. ‘But chatting after the concert, I felt like I’d known him for ever.’

They got engaged a year later and set the date for their wedding, October 25, 2014, unaware cancer was silently growing in 32-year-old Robbie’s body. It was in the final throes of wedding planning that they were given the heartbreaking news he had stage 4 bowel cancer.

‘Working all day in his marketing job, then renovating what was going to be our marital home in the evenings, we’d put his fatigue down to life being so busy. However, after having two bleeds, he was referred for an MRI and a colonoscopy,’ says Josie. ‘Neither of us even considered cancer. He was young, otherwise healthy, and we were getting married in nine days.

‘The cancer had already spread to Robbie’s liver and lungs, and doctors told us only 2 per cent of patients with the same mutation survived for two years. The news was like a bomb going off.’

Determined to believe Robbie would be one of the lucky 2 per cent, the wedding went ahead. ‘Maybe we were naive when we made our vow to be together ‘for all eternity’, but I’m glad we were,’ she recalls.

Days later, Robbie commenced 30 rounds of chemotherapy, plus two operations to remove his liver and part of his bowel. Before treatment began, samples of his sperm were frozen, with the plan to have IVF when he was better. ‘We wanted to do everything to keep our dream of having a family alive,’ explains Josie.

And, for a time, it seemed their determination was being rewarded. In early 2016, with Robbie’s tumours shrinking, they began IVF.

But after creating and freezing three embryos, a scan in September 2016 delivered a devastating blow. The cancer had spread and Robbie had just three to six months to live.

‘Robbie had been so strong but that crushed him. I tried to be strong for him but inside I was in agony.’

It would have been perfectly understandable if all plans to have a family had stopped there and then.

‘I had an overwhelming need to have Robbie’s baby. I knew that I would more than likely be bringing this child up alone, but I still wanted to go ahead and so did Robbie.

‘Ultimately, he would have agreed to whatever I wanted – he knew it was me who would be carrying this baby and most likely raising it alone, but neither of us was prepared to let cancer take away our dream of having a child. And I wanted to know a piece of Robbie would live on.’

In November 2016, one of their three embryos was transferred to Josie’s womb and, two weeks later, she had a positive pregnancy test. ‘Of course it felt bittersweet. We both just clung on to our excitement, pushing away the dark thoughts. I was still desperate for a miracle,’ says Josie.

By Josie’s six-week scan, Robbie was increasingly frail.

‘We held hands watching this little blob with a heartbeat on the screen. We both knew it was probably the only time he would see our child, but he showed no sadness, just absolute wonder.’

Josie was eight weeks pregnant when, on December 13, 2016, a day before his 35th birthday, Robbie passed away.

‘As he slipped away, he placed his hand on my stomach,’ says Josie. ‘His very last thought was of our child and amidst my terrible pain, it brought me some comfort knowing he’d felt the joy of knowing he would have a child before he left this world.’

The next few months were, in Josie’s words, ‘filled with mixed emotions – from depression and resentment to a deep relief and happiness I still had a piece of Robbie, growing inside me’.

‘I found things like antenatal classes and shopping for baby paraphernalia very hard. I’d see happy, excited couples choosing prams together and I’d feel angry. Why did it have to be me who lost her husband?’

Seven months after his father’s death, Laurie was born on a warm July evening. ‘I had a piece of music playing which Robbie, who had the most beautiful voice, had recorded for me when we were dating,’ says Josie.

‘Its lyrics are: ‘I love you more than I can say’ and it was my way of having him ‘present’ at the birth. I wanted that to be the first thing our child heard as he arrived into the world.’

New motherhood can be challenging at the best of times but for Josie, her joy in her new baby was entwined with grief for the husband she’d lost.

‘I was battling with sadness, grief, worry about whether I was actually capable of bringing up a child alone and anger that Robbie had been taken away from me. I suffered from depression but had to keep focusing on Laurie and reminding myself, he needed me.

‘Even as a baby Laurie looked like Robbie and I tried very hard to only take joy from that and feel grateful I still had a piece of him in our child. For both my family and Robbie’s, Laurie brought so much joy and comfort as they all came to terms with losing him too. He really was a light at a dark time in all our lives.’

For many women, having one child alone following bereavement would be enough. But Josie says she always hoped Laurie wouldn’t be an only child.

‘I wanted him to have a sibling, and I also didn’t want to lose another piece of Robbie by allowing our remaining embryos to defrost,’ she explains.

‘My mum did ask me gently if I was sure, could I really manage with two children on my own, and I understood her concern. But I was determined, and after that both my family and Robbie’s were totally supportive.’

In October 2018, Josie had the second of the couple’s three embryos transferred but, sadly, didn’t become pregnant. ‘That was very hard to bear, to feel a piece of Robbie had slipped away.’

However, in January 2019,` her third and final attempt was successful and their daughter Connie was born in September that year, once again to the recording of her father singing.

Josie admits: ‘All the same emotions I’d experienced after having Laurie came flooding back, only now I had a toddler and a newborn to care for. It was really hard.’

When, six months after Connie was born, the country went into lockdown, things became even more difficult.

‘For the first time I had to truly parent solo. It was exhausting and lonely, but I did it – and I realised I could do this on my own.’

It was also the pandemic that planted the seed that she should consider meeting a new partner one day. ‘It was that intense loneliness that made me feel I needed to start taking that big step,’ says Josie.

‘First, I moved my wedding ring to my right hand, and then I took it off completely. It felt very emotional and symbolic, but Robbie told me before he died he didn’t want me to be alone, so I knew I had his blessing.

‘I’ve had a few short-term relationships but nothing serious yet. What Robbie and I had was perfect and I’m not trying to replicate that. My hope is to find something different but not less.’

Robbie’s mother Jill died of breast cancer a few years before her son’s death, but his father Philip and brother Stewart, along with Stewart’s wife Louise and their children, are all part of Laurie and Connie’s life.

‘Seeing how happy the children make them all, knowing it’s the ripple effect of my decision to have them, it only confirms to me it was the right thing to do.

‘Robbie’s family share their memories of him with me and the children, and I know they remind them of him when he was little. Stewart’s youngest son is a similar age to Laurie and has Robbie as his middle name, which is lovely.’

Along with tentatively dipping her toe into the dating world, Josie has returned to her music career, recording an album called Diamond Fall to be released on what would have been her tenth wedding anniversary.

‘I’m a musician and a songwriter, but when I tried to write after Robbie’s death I simply couldn’t. I remember sitting at the piano in tears, because no chord or note could represent the depths of how I was feeling.

‘Things changed when I found some samples of songs Robbie had recorded on a hard drive and they were so beautiful. They inspired me to write again, incorporating them into my work, as if we were collaborating.

‘It’s been like therapy making this album, delving into my emotions and turning them into music. And I will be performing the album with a band on our wedding anniversary in the church where Robbie and I married.’

Now both at school, Laurie and Connie are happy, bright children with a strong resemblance to their father. ‘They are both very like Robbie. Laurie has his twinkling eyes, and Connie has inherited his cheeky smile, and they are both musical. Laurie is learning the guitar and when I watch him playing it takes my breath away, because he’s so like Robbie.

‘Instead of allowing these likenesses to make me feel sad, I feel so grateful to have these beautiful reminders of him. They were Robbie’s final act of love for me.’

 Josie’s album Diamond Fall is released on October 25. For more info go to linktree.com/sephinello