My fiancé goes to bed every night blissfully unaware that I dream of sex with other women. He wants to marry me, but the truth will break his heart

I sat in the middle of our bed waiting for my boyfriend to get home from work, playing with my delicate gold chain that he bought me last Christmas.

I love Mark*, he is everything I look for in a partner: kind, thoughtful, handsome, and he always puts me first. But the entire time we’re together, I find myself thinking about women sexually in ways that feel exciting and confusing.

This didn’t happen overnight; it’s a recurring thought I’ve had for years before we met, since I was a teenager. A sexual fantasy that never became reality.

I’ve always dated men, but for as long as I can remember I’ve wondered what it would be like with a woman. Yes, I’ve kissed girls at parties or when I was drunk – who hasn’t? – but never had proper sex with a woman. Now it’s all I think about.

Mark goes to bed every night, unaware that my dreams are about sleeping with women. Even when we have sex, my thoughts wander to the soft bodies of women or to the ‘male’ body in bed – and then his growl brings me back to reality.

After four years together, Mark wants to propose: we bought a ring together and researched wedding locations. But I can’t stop thinking about women and I’m afraid it’s more than just curiosity. How can I marry a man if I am a lesbian?

Mark doesn’t know anything about this side of my sexuality, but as our relationship becomes more serious, I feel like I’m heading toward disaster on autopilot.

Sometimes I imagine the utter devastation on Mark’s face if I told him how I feel. Would he think he’s not enough for me? That he had ‘changed’ me? Or that he was less of a man. Of course it would be nonsense: he is perfect in every way.

“The entire time I’ve been with Mark*, I’ve found myself thinking about women sexually in ways that feel exciting and confusing,” our author confesses (stock image)

Last month we went shopping for engagement rings. Sitting next to the love of my life and best friend in an Adelaide jewelery boutique, I stared at a closet full of divine rings.

I stared at my own reflection in the glass like one The sales assistant asked me questions, but I left the route.

“Sorry, what?” I replied with a blank face.

She repeated it and asked me if any of the rings were ‘speaking to me’. I didn’t have that feeling. We went home and I told him which styles were my favorite, a convincing fake smile on my face.

You probably want to know more about Mark and me. You may wonder how we can have a good relationship even though I am convinced that I am homosexual. The truth is, the two of us are perfect for each other in so many ways.

We met on a dating app and are now in our late twenties. We’ve never had any problems and yes, our sex is great. We both want children someday too.

After a year we moved in together and bought a dachshund. So far, so straightforward.

But now that I’ve been living together for three years, I worry that I’ve only dated guys like Mark because that’s what I’m “supposed to do.” Even though I’ve found women attractive for years, having never been physical with them, I labeled myself “heterosexual” without ever seriously thinking about it.

Sometimes I wish I could just take a blood test and have someone qualified tell me all the answers about my sexuality. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.

The author admits that she would drop her devoted boyfriend in a heartbeat if she had the chance to spend an evening with a beautiful woman like Sydney Sweeney (left) or Dua Lipa (right)

When I was younger, I remember googling “am I a lesbian?” and completing an online quiz. It said it might be, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. Maybe I should have.

All I know is that if a woman who looked like Sydney Sweeney or Dua Lipa wanted a night alone in a hotel room with me, I would ditch Mark in a heartbeat.

Now I know what you’re thinking: why didn’t I experiment with the opposite sex when I was younger? Even though I kept my hand on my heart, I wish I did.

But there was always something holding me back. Perhaps being a tomboy as a child encouraged the idea that being slightly more masculine than the average girl was just a personality type and not a reflection of any sexual preference.

Now that I’ve been living together for three years, the author worries that she only dates men like her boyfriend Mark because that’s what I’m ‘supposed to do’ (photo taken by models)

In my early twenties, I also discovered that my father would have been disappointed if I had brought home a girlfriend, who has stayed with me ever since.

But what’s stopping me from exploring my feelings these days is Mark. I just can’t think of a way to explain myself to him without smashing his heart to pieces.

And what if I’m wrong? What if I’m not a lesbian and I throw away everything I have with Mark because of a sexual fantasy?

We picked out an engagement ring together – yes, it’s a non-traditional way to do it – and now it’s only a matter of time before Mark asks me to marry him.

We agreed that he would wait a while between buying the ring and proposing, but now several weeks have passed and he could pop the question at any time.

Part of me can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. The other part of me fears it.

• As told to Carina Stathis. *Names have been changed

Australian dating coach Debbie Rivers recommends being honest if you have doubts about your sexual orientation in a long-term relationship.

Australian relationship coach Debbie Rivers shared her expertise on the dilemma

‘Yes, you need to talk to your partner about this. Honesty and openness are the foundation of a healthy relationship,” Ms Rivers told FEMAIL.

‘You may be confused about what the fantasies mean and where they can lead you. Keeping the thoughts to yourself can make your partner feel betrayed by you because he/she has no idea what you are thinking and feeling.”

Ms. Rivers has a six-step guide to handling the conversation.

1. Practice self-compassion

Acknowledge your feelings and fears. Remind yourself that it’s okay to be nervous. Practice self-compassion by speaking kindly to yourself before having that difficult conversation with your partner or spouse.

2. Write it down

Putting your thoughts and feelings in writing can help you organize your thoughts and express yourself more clearly. You can use this written piece as a reference during your conversation.

3. Start small

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, start having smaller conversations about your feelings and desires. Build up gradually to the main topic.

4. Choose your words carefully

Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming or accusing your partner. Your partner may feel like it’s him and something is wrong with him that’s causing you to have these thoughts.

Avoid coming across as confrontational by avoiding statements like “You don’t understand” and instead saying, “I feel misunderstood when…”

5. Be patient and understanding

Your partner may need time to process the information. Be patient and make sure you don’t rush them into a decision.

6. Get support

Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your feelings. Remember, the most important thing is to be honest and open with your partner.

By approaching the conversation with empathy and understanding, you can navigate this situation together.