After my unloving marriage ended, I drowned my worries. But it was an even more treacherous addiction from the middle class

It was after midnight and Carrie-Ann McLean was on the way home from the pub.

Tears flowed over her face and her chest was tight in fear. Her husband would wait in her house – but she didn’t want to go inside.

Her marriage had almost been unloving from the start, but, too scared to confront the problem, Carrie-Ann had found a way to distract herself, a way to escape her misery.

She would go to the pub and drown her grief. But when Scotch was not enough to fill the void, she went to something else.

Gambling machines. Or ‘Pokies’ such as Australians such as Carrie-Ann would rather call them.

Soon, Carrie-Ann, who is now 56 and lives Queenslandwas in the handles of a complete gambling addiction that would take almost everything from her.

It all started when she entered an unwise marriage at the age of 21.

“All my friends were mating and I didn’t want to stay on the shelf,” she says.

‘My high school dear was the love of my life and the one who got away.

‘I was deeply saddened when we separated, but I thought I would continue. So I married the rebound.

“When he suggested, I said,” Okay, sure. ” In retrospect, we should never have gotten married because we didn’t love each other. ‘

The newlyweds moved from Brisbane to Melbourne, where Carrie-Ann struggled with so far from her family. Soon she turned to Drinks.

The pub became her comfort when she didn’t want to be at home with her husband.

While drinking it didn’t seem like a big problem with friends in the ‘VIP Lounge’ – the area in Australian pubs reserved for game machines. She thought it was ‘A harmless piece of fun’ to keep them busy while they drank.

The machines were certainly tempting with their flashy lights and rotating wheels.

The first time she played, Carrie-Ann chose a machine next to a friend. She put $ 20 in the lock, knowing that she could “afford to lose it” and didn’t think twice.

“Through these places you feel welcome,” she adds.

‘In the beginning you will not win; You are going to become social, see the colors and listen to the music and atmosphere. ‘

The excitement of winning $ 50 of her first $ 20 bet had addicted her.

Looking back it was hardly a jackpot. Really, it was the kind of victory that you could put down on the happiness of beginners. But it let her want more.

So she often started playing the Pokies. Once a week, then a few times a week, then every day. In the back of her head, the pipe dream was that she would win great and would have the kind of money that would enable her to escape her marriage.

“I was unhappy and drank trying to fill a void. I would go to the Pokies to try to win so that I could let my husband go back home, “says Carrie-Ann.

“But it was about to go through the Pokies to chase my losses through the Pokies.”

Soon Carrie-Ann was imprisoned in a vicious circle.

“When I was with friends, I wouldn’t spend much because they would see. When I went alone, I would lie where I went. I was ashamed and kept saying to myself: “I have to win this money back,” she admits.

‘I would go to the Pokies, place $ 50 and that would take half an hour. Then I would switch off another $ 50, then another one. And I would always go home with nothing. ‘

When a friend accused Carrie of being ‘in a trance’, as she nourished Note Na Noot in the machine, she did not stop with other people, ashamed of what she should look like.

Instead, she gambled most of the nights of the week alone.

When Carrie-Ann was 27, her marriage ended.

“We were two broken people who were not willing to work it out,” she says.

But escaping that relationship did not offer her enlightenment. Instead, her addiction got worse because she felt a failure.

Looking back, Carrie-Ann estimates that she lost more than AU $ 150,000 after placing ‘everything’ she earned in the Pokies.

She then resorted to savings and credit cards. While she fell into a financial black hole, she got one Personal loan to keep track of its rent and bills.

After every evening at the Pokies, she had come home crying. But she just couldn’t stop.

“Logic goes out of the window. Nobody wakes up and says, “I will be addicted to Pokies.” People who do not understand addictions, think, “Well, just stop.” But you need a mentality shift, and it is not easy. ‘

One evening, in pure despair, Carrie-Ann called the Salvation Army. The charity did not have a 24/7 line, so she left a desperate message.

“I was a blubry mess, but the next morning they called me back and the man asked at the end of the line if he could come to have a chat,” Carrie-Ann remembers.

“I told him everything and there was no judgment about it. It was the beginning to get me out of the darkness of gambling. Until that moment I hadn’t told anyone – ever. ‘

Although it helped to talk about what she went through, it was not an immediate solution.

By that time, Carrie-Ann’s financial situation was terrible. She had sold almost all her possessions, but still could not afford her.

“I rented alone and tried to start a company, which I kept on pouring without paying my debt first,” says Carrie.

“At that time I still didn’t understand the value of money.”

So Carrie-Ann called a good friend.

‘I’m so sorry, but do you have a guest room? I can’t go anywhere, “she said.

Without hesitation, her friend welcomed her and she stayed there for six months while she ‘brought her life together’.

“They were so generous, especially because they had their own family. I helped where I could cook and clean. But I had no money, “she says.

“My fault was almost $ 40,000, which was more than my annual salary.”

Carrie -ann then describes herself as an ‘invisible homeless’ person – someone who lives in another person without a cent for their name, just one step away from the street.

‘I felt like a failure for most of my life and it was another failure. I was not good enough for marriage, was not good enough to rent, it was all building up. ‘

During the months that she lived with her boyfriend, Carrie worked back on her fault, changing her way of thinking and learning more about money.

The most difficult part was of course avoiding the Pokies. But losing her rent had been such a wake-up call that Carrie-Ann was determined.

She cut off all her credit cards, except one, for which she set a strict spending limit.

Instead of going to the pub, she gave priority to walks with friends and time on the beach.

Her finances and her mental health slowly began to recover.

The intensity of addiction is something that you never leave, and those in recovery must prepare for lifelong vigilance. That is a reality that Carrie is aware to this day.

She is afraid that one day she will slide back into her old ways, so she makes a conscious attempt to avoid locations with VIP lounges and will not come close to casinos.

‘I got so upset by myself because I had wasted so much money and the fact that I have no ownership. But that was my journey and I now have a new life, “she says.

‘I believe that the struggles we go through are not only learning experiences, but also an opportunity to inspire and teach others.

‘When I was with the Pokies, I had no life and I avoided people, but everything that has changed now. It took a lot of work and it didn’t happen overnight, but I learned to be nice to myself and I have the attitude that tomorrow is a new day.

“When you make the decision to overcome your addiction, and you assume that struggle, you will get better on the other hand.”

To help others better budget and learn the value of money, Carrie has released a book entitled Budget Right: Eliminating debts and improve your financial and spiritual well -beingAnd is also set to launch a master class.

For more information, Click here.

If you need support, call the Gamblers -Shulplijn on 1800 858 858 or Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14