To block or not to block: that is a crucial question when it comes to divorces.
While it may be tempting to stay in touch with an ex-partner, perhaps in hopes of rekindling romance, experts say limiting communication is the best option for your mental health.
And now relationship coaches have revealed the intriguing science behind the 'no contact' theory popular on psychology's TikTok – and why it's the only way to get over heartbreak.
“If you're struggling to move forward, the science overwhelmingly suggests you're trying [no contact] for at least a month,” says Manj Bahra, a love and relationship coach from Britain.
Mr Bahra defined no contact as no engagement for at least a month and recommended blocking or removing these individuals from your social media.
The human brain is designed to focus more on situations that we consider 'unfinished' – meaning if you're still talking to your ex, you won't stop thinking about them.
Staying in touch can prevent closure because the human brain is programmed to “close loops,” Mr. Bahra explained in an article published on the blogging website Medium.
This has to do with the 'Zeigarnik effect': the tendency to remember an incomplete task more easily than a completed task.
Unfinished business causes us to focus more bandwidth on a situation, making it difficult to completely forget your ex.
It makes us remember all the details – elements of the relationship that would otherwise escape your attention and that you would let go.
This happens until you think the loop is closed; you keep thinking about the situation and looking for ways to get the desired ending.
Other relationship coaches have taken to TikTok to share similar advice. Benny, who has 200,000 followers on the platform, urged his viewers not to cut off contact.
“If you don't cut off contact, you're twisting the knife in the wound,” he said, explaining that communication sends the message to yourself and to them that you “need them to be happy.”
Our natural tendencies make it risky to stay in touch, Mr. Bahra said.
'We can easily read things that aren't there and create mixed signals through our perceptions rather than through reality. In other words, you start to see what you want to see,” he said.
He added: 'This is a natural barrier to creating closure. It leaves us constantly exposed to the hope of achieving the desired outcome.”
Going no contact allows dopamine to reset, balancing the brain's “feel good” hormones.
In today's instant gratification culture, we are constantly inundated with addictive and pleasurable chemicals via social media 'likes', similar to the chemical highs of hard drugs and gambling.
Stanford biology professor Robert Sapolsky has studied dopamine in depth and found that levels rise in anticipation of a reward – and peak when uncertainty is greatest.
In dating terms, this means that the anticipation that comes from pursuing someone is enough to release pleasurable chemicals, and will be most fun when we are unsure of the outcome.
Pursuing someone who gives enough mixed signals produces addictive endorphins, even if you never achieve the desired goal.
The crucial point, Mr. Bahra said, is that mixed signals can be perceptions.
He said your ex could do something completely innocent, but your cognitive bias decides it means something more.
Manj Bahra, a London-based love and relationship coach, said not talking to an ex can rebalance brain chemicals, causing us to seek an unhealthy “high.”
If you maintain contact, you run the risk of being chased. Any uncertainty or expectation, even just in your head, can create an addictive cycle.
Not making contact reduces expectations, especially if you've blocked them from reaching you.
It also removes the uncertainty: you've decided not to talk to them, so there's no confusion.
“If you give it time (at least a month), you start to separate yourself from the chemical equation,” Mr Bahra said.
Stanford professor of psychiatry Dr. Anne Lembke described abstinence as an essential part of resetting dopamine levels in her bestselling book “Dopamine Nation.”
Her twenty-year research showed the importance of taking time away from a stimulus to reset your relationship with it.
Mr. Bahra uses the analogy of dieting. “Imagine trying to stick to a nutrition plan,” he said. 'Would it be harder if you had donuts in the house?
Going no-contact will be a challenge, Mr. Bahra said, but it will get easier after the first two weeks.
And you don't have to cut an ex out of your life forever, Mr. Bahra said, only until you heal.