I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years; we live together for two of them. Last week he said we should get married and he wanted a prenuptial agreement. I have always paid my way in our relationship so I was surprised by this. He has more money than I do, but it’s not exorbitant “succession” type wealth. I agreed to his request because I was taught to be financially independent, but now I hate it. I’m more nervous for what’s to come than excited to get married. Can I come back to this?
FEMALE FRIEND
Was there hearts and flowers in your boyfriend’s marriage proposal, or was it all prenuptial agreements? I get it if you buried the romantic bits because you’re distraught by the financial proposal. But if there was no sweetness in it: red flag! Otherwise, let’s look at prenuptial agreements, which are less scary than many people think.
About 40 percent of marriages end in divorce. That’s creepy! So, whether your friend has $50,000 saved or inherited $50 million (still plenty of spare change for the fake babies on “Succession”), I understand his impulse. Asking to protect his pre-marital assets and dividing those you create together, which is largely in line with divorce law, doesn’t make him a doomsayer about your relationship any more than buying fire insurance makes him an arsonist. Things happen – about 40 percent of the time.
Now I would like to add that I am generally not a fan of prenuptial agreements for people without large assets or liabilities, or children from previous relationships. (Yes, I’m looking at you, medical school debt!) Life is unpredictable. One of you can win a career jackpot. Or parenthood can depress a spouse’s income. But these things may not happen for years — if at all. Complex prenuptial agreements that divide assets before they exist or limit support payments before there’s a track record are foolish — and often unfair to the poorer spouse. So, ask your friend what he’s worried about, then hire a lawyer and sort it out. However, don’t be forced into a marriage contract: you can’t marry the man if you can’t agree on what’s fair.
The limits of protecting our loved ones
Due to a series of unfortunate events – including drug abuse and a moving vehicle – my brother is in jail awaiting trial. It is a mess! The problem: our mother recently moved into a residential care home. She’s just getting used to it; she also just asked about my brother, who normally visits her. He wants me to help arrange a phone call with her, but I won’t do that unless he promises not to mention his legal issues. I think it would be too distressing for her. My brother refuses to make that promise. What should I do?
OLDER SON
I know you want to protect your mother, and I respect that. But you haven’t shared anything that entitles you to control her relationship with your brother – a heart condition, for example, or an anxiety disorder. Talk to a therapist at her facility about the possible effects of your brother’s news or arrange for him to have that conversation. I’m sure his situation will upset her. However, don’t assume that your mom can’t handle it simply because she needs some help with everyday life.
“How are you?”: So crazy it just might work
I ran into a neighbor in the lobby of our building. I hadn’t seen her in a while, but it was clear she’d had extensive cosmetic surgery. Not to judge, but I can’t imagine she thinks no one notices. I felt uncomfortable having a conversation without addressing the elephant on her face first. And it seemed unfair to say, “You look beautiful! What did you do?” How would you handle this?
NEIGHBOUR
Cards on the table: I am shocked by your question, although I am sure you are sincere. In her own words, this woman is an acquaintance that you meet every now and then, not a good friend. Why on earth do you feel entitled to comment on her appearance, let alone claim it’s a precondition for other conversations?
Unless neighbors specifically ask you about their changed appearance, say nothing. As for conversation starters, go anodyne: “Haven’t seen you in ages! How are you?” Our acquaintances know if they’ve had cosmetic surgery. They don’t need us to tell them.
The job was a disappointment. You’re not.
After years of working as a housewife, I finally found a job I was excited about and proudly announced it to family and friends. But the job turned out to be a big disappointment and six weeks later I resigned. I didn’t tell anyone because I’m embarrassed that things got out of hand so quickly. Now people are asking about my exciting new job that I left weeks ago. It gets uncomfortable. What should I say?
GENERATED
Go with the truth: “It didn’t work out.” And stop fooling yourself. You’re not the first person to be disappointed by the reality of a shiny new job. I don’t know the nature of your disappointment, but no job is perfect, and six weeks is an awfully short period of time. So keep in mind – for next time – that patience and negotiation can sometimes work better for us than running out the door at the first sign of trouble.
For help with your predicament, send an inquiry to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.