Dear bell,
I was brought up in a volatile household, afraid of my mother.
My parents often fought – verbally and physical abuse. Arguments went on all night, so violently sometimes my brother and I called the police.
Dad used self -defense to protect itself. Mama would raise every violation in the past and I heard things that should not have a child about their parents.
It was painful to see her pain, daddy – to pick up precious old photos of his family or throw away thoughtful birthday gifts that I had helped choose.
If she started a fight with daddy in the car, she would get off at traffic lights, so my brother and I had to walk a long way home with her. She had threatened to leave him and tell us if we would not come, she would commit suicide.
I pulled back to myself and couldn’t wait to leave the house.
I was lucky to marry a friendly, loyal, strong man. After he met my mother, he said, “You are afraid of your mother, right?”
It was great to be in a quiet house with my dear husband. He was strong enough to get up against her, even though it sometimes caused problems. The only thing we don’t agree with is the way Mama penetrates into our lives. She is still filthy for Dad; And when my children were young, they became afraid of witnessing the arguments when they stayed there at night.
I have often wondered why Dad held it – and have no answer.
My current problem is that mother is on visiting us every weekend, regardless of our plans, or during the week, not aware of how busy we are. She even comes in on my adult daughter, which she hates.
Mama continuously talks about herself and repeats things – but without interest in us. I had counseling after something childhood memories caused. This has helped to a certain extent, but I still don’t know how to help her be more attentive.
Mama was a role model in how not to get older, so I raised my children who did the opposite.
My little family is close. But the truth is that mother spoils things and I fear The future.
Kathy
Call Moeney: But let me share an honest, as a scary truth: I don’t see how you can ever help her be more attentive. “
At the moment I write a memoir (slow … oh so slowly), that’s why the power of the memory is very much to the forefront of my mind.
It is impossible for many of us to prevent remembering terrible arguments from parental arguments from our youth and teenage years and to realize their long-term effect.
Your letter causes such thoughts and the conviction that parents who have no control over their conflicts have no idea of the damage they can cause their children.
Relationship -experts often spray the received ‘wisdom’ that arguing is healthy, and it is good for couples to let steam off.
No! Not if you think that the children might make an effort to hear, their entire bodies tense, hearts of fear that mum and dad might hurt each other. Stop complacency, parents and think of them, not yourself.
Your letter, Cathy, was a detailed outpouring of stress and remembered pain that the entire space would have filled that was taken over by this entire column if I had not (with difficult) to work on the bare bones.
You are closed with a plea that I cannot identify it because ‘pathetic as this sounds, I am still afraid of my mother’.
I did my best, but if your mother recognizes the situation, I recommend you to face her, let her be angry and suggest Cool that she is trying to understand how you feel for the first time.
What can she do with you, except that they boycott your house? Let’s face it, that would be a relief.
You tell me that you believe that the excessive drinking of your father was probably a means to escape from his hectoring, violent woman. I can easily imagine that.
It would be interesting to know what kind of home your mother came out of; Whether she ‘learned’ her anger and narcissism from her own parents. “Hand on misery to man,” as the poet Philip Larkin wrote.
Anyway, there is nothing that you can do to change the past, and it sounds like me to get married with your great husband and bringing your children into a calm, beautiful house, armored to some of the harmful spirits in your mind. Remember that and let the thought give you strength.
But let me share an honest, as a scary truth: I don’t see how you can ever “help her be more attentive.”
How can an aggressive, unhappy, selfish, mean young mother be converted into an attentive old lady?
So I suggest that you place ‘mother narcism’ in an online search engine and study what you find.
There are books for the daughters of narcissistic mothers who can also help. You have to give yourself the tools to help you take a step back. Because you will never cut contact with her, you must ‘grow’ your resilience.
In the meantime, is there a trick that you and your husband can use – such as ‘on the road’ when she pops up and offers her a lift home (‘Sorry Mom, we cannot stop’)?
Your husband sounds like a wise, capable man, so see if you can develop some strategies to deal with her.
It doesn’t get any easier (it never works), but it’s harder to get.
My friend’s mixed messages amazed me
Dear bell,
I recently went out with a lady with whom I worked for several years. She got a new job and we started to go out (we are both in the mid -thirty).
After a few months we agreed to pause it a bit. Three months later she sent a message asking if I wanted to meet each other. I said yes – but she canceled at the last minute without an explanation.
A few days later she apologized and said she had been unwell. She ended up in the hospital and I informed her that I would always be there for her.
She has had contact a few times since, which suggests that we meet, but cancel every time at the last minute. Once she said that I had told a private things of a common friend; We had just made up a row. Then she sent a warm message asking if I wanted to see her – but a few hours later her changed her back.
It is so confusing. If I was to nag her for contact, I would agree to leave her alone because she has experienced a lot. But because she asks me, I can’t help me really want to see me.
Every time she has been canceled, I said that I should not worry and she answered with: “Thank you for being so patient.” I am not very experienced with relationships. Maybe I’m not assertive enough?
Aidan
Here is a man who tries to awaken what the woman he likes, thinks and feels, and I am very concerned that all the men who read this will think: “Good luck with that!”
That is actually not a light point. After 20 years of thinking very hard about the problems of people, with a little sorrow, I have to conclude that the many failures of communication that lead to relationship problems are often rooted in significant differences between the sexes; rooted (perhaps) in our chromosomes.
That is why John Grey’s book is from 1992 from Mars, women from Venus were a bestseller. It states that the most common relationship problems between men and women are the result of fundamental psychological differences. Because you feel so inexperienced, it is worth reading, because it can help you interpret these mixed messages.
What Gray’s book does not say (as his critics claimed) is that concept is almost impossible. It needs difficulty – but what is worth the thing not? That is why I ask you to consider that the problem probably has nothing to do with your lack of assertiveness. I ask you to make the leap of your own worried planet to hers.
You told me all the details of her health problem, which of course remain private. What I will say is that I fully understand it as a problem that has almost been beaten in the heart of her feminine identity.
She continues to feel vulnerable and insecure, and not from a spirit to pursue a relationship that she was not sure about. You were colleagues and then started to see each other more than that. But the decision to ‘pause’ was her, right? She was then hit by the metaphorical truck of her illness.
Recovery will take a lot of time, so I suspect that the last thing she needs is to think about a worried man who just wants to be useful to her. She likes you, you know that for sure. But more than that? She is really not ready – if she will ever be – and that’s why she changes thoughts.
They thank you for ‘being patient’ – and be convinced that she will pay you a big compliment by saying that. Nobody can know where this is going, but I strongly recommend being intrusive. It can happen as an unbearable need that in turn can look like you are making the situation all over you.
If you like her as much as it sounds, you will stay patient. I would also let her know that you only want to be a supporting friend.
Meanwhile, see other women as you can – there is no reason not to do that. Being loved from others will give you more confidence.
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