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CRAIG BROWN: The animals attack two by two

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The problems at the London Zoo don’t seem to end. It all started five years ago, when the Boa Constrictor was reportedly “deeply upset” by rumors that it was venomous.

Lawyers for the Boa Constrictor immediately released a statement on his behalf. “Anyone who knows the Boa will attest to the fact that it is not poisonous at all.

“Now and then he may have swallowed monkeys, pigs, and ocelots in one gulp, but that’s neither here nor there. He has always treated them with the utmost respect. Why else would they have lined up to be swallowed? And to this day they remain close to his heart.’

But an elderly monkey, who wishes to remain anonymous, claimed that a close relative who had been ingested in this way would never have consented to this procedure beforehand. ‘She was a cheerful monkey who had so much to offer. The last thing she would have wanted was to be swallowed.’

awyers for the Boa Constrictor immediately released a statement on his behalf. “Anyone who knows the Boa will testify that it is not poisonous at all”

Elsewhere in the zoo, there were other fallouts between animals. At the aquarium, a new anglerfish is said to have been ‘devastated’ after a visitor heard her described as ‘plug ugly’.

Friends say she hid behind a large rock in the aquarium for “several days” and only ventured out after closing time, when visitors had returned home.

It now appears that the anglerfish suspected the insult was spread by a popular exotic fish in a neighboring aquarium.

“They were meant to be peers, but this exotic male fish, the Arowana, had it with the anglerfish from the start,” a reliable source reveals. “So the anglerfish had no choice but to hire her own top PR.”

This PR had previously been employed by a senior shark, who hoped to restore his public image after an unfortunate incident involving a one-legged visitor, whose lawyers say he entered the zoo with both legs intact.

Initially, the angler’s PR initiative produced some notable results, including a 15-page spread in Hello! magazine, titled Beautiful Monkfish welcomes us to her charming home.

Full color photos showed the monkfish in various flattering poses against exotic backgrounds.

In the accompanying piece, the anglerfish is said to have laughed at the idea that she and the Arowana had fallen apart. “We may be on a different path right now, but I’ll always be there for him.”

She was a cheerful monkey who had so much to offer.  The last thing she would have wanted would have been to be swallowed.¿

She was a cheerful monkey who had so much to offer. The last thing she would have wanted was to be swallowed.’

Elsewhere in the zoo, a war of words has broken out between an experienced giraffe named Grizelda and a chimpanzee named Tommy.

The giraffe was reportedly “upset and mortified” that Tommy had described her neck as “way too long.” At first, Grizelda tried to walk around in a polo neck, but she noticed visitors pointing at her neck even more. At this stage, Grizelda hired a top PR at some cost. Soon stories appeared in celebrity-based magazines about how “short and sweet” and “discreetly beautiful” her neck was now.

In 2021, Grizelda the giraffe was “surprised and delighted” to win Safari magazine’s annual award for shortest neck of the year, although it was later discovered that she had anonymously donated £25,000 to the magazine’s charity six months earlier.

The giraffe was reportedly

The giraffe was reportedly ‘upset and mortified’ that Tommy had described her neck as ‘way too long’

It wasn’t until Tommy the Chimpanzee started reading stories about his “terrible table manners” that the war between the two former colleagues started to spiral out of control.

Tommy immediately contacted top PR Matthew Freud, whose second-in-command also happened to be a chimpanzee. His name was Brutus, and he was known for masterminding career-boosting A-list tea parties.

Within weeks, Tommy the Chimpanzee was welcoming top celebrities including David and Victoria Beckham, Lord Sugar, Joan Collins, Phillip Schofield and Carol Vorderman to his star-studded tea party at the Savoy Hotel.

Specially filmed videos, showing Tommy graciously handing a cup cake to the creator of Downton Abbey, Julian Fellowes and pouring tea for the Duchess of York, garnered more than 250,000 likes, and rumors quickly spread that he would be nominated for the nomination. an MBE – the first chimpanzee to be honored in this way for over 30 years.

By now, an estimated 40 percent of the animals at London Zoo, including three sea lions, a spider and a porcupine, had all been in contact with public relations firms in order to boost their public image.

Where would it all end? I will continue this extraordinary story in my next column.

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