Dear Caroline: I had an affair and left my husband for him. How can I make my sister-in-law like me again?
Q A year ago I left my husband for someone else after 21 years of marriage. I am madly in love with this man and vice versa. Although it has been hard on our children, they have accepted it and I do not regret the decision.
However, I was very close to my sister-in-law and now she won’t talk to me. The relationship with my ex had been going bad for a while. I was only 24 when I got married and I quickly realised that he and I had very little in common. I am quite an emotional person and love books, music and walks in the countryside, while he is more of a ‘watching rugby in the pub with his mates’ type.
He is also a non-communicator – social and fun with other people, yes (that’s what attracted me to him in the first place), but I could never talk to him about important things. I was so lonely. His sister just doesn’t get it, even though I don’t think she’s very happy in her own marriage.
We complained about our husbands and confided in each other, although I never told her about the affair. She is furious that I left her brother, and says I should have worked on my marriage and that I betrayed him. I was so fond of her and I miss her.
Do you think time will heal this or should I accept that our friendship is over?
a It’s hard to stay friends with an ex’s family, so this friendship may not survive.
There are many factors at play here: firstly, loyalty to her brother, whom she clearly loves very much, even though she acknowledges his faults. There may also be a bit of jealousy. While she may have felt better about her own marriage when she thought she and you were in the same boat, seeing how happy you are in your new relationship will have made her more aware of the gaps in her own relationship.
Of course it is always sad when couples break up, and hard on the children, but it can be worse for everyone to continue to be miserable. She is clearly very disapproving of you leaving for someone else, and therefore sees it as your fault.
But it’s not that simple. Ideally, the marriage should end because it wasn’t right for you and there was no one else involved. In reality, leaving a relationship is a huge step and finding someone else often provides the catalyst and courage to leave. A lot will depend on how your ex is doing, who must be feeling angry and devastated right now. Hopefully, in time, he’ll meet someone else and maybe understand that he wasn’t happy in the marriage either.
If you maintain a friendly relationship with him later, you may become friends with his sister again. Of course, she will still be your children’s aunt, so she will still see them. But for now, you will probably have to mourn the loss of her friendship. Only time will tell.
My husband does not want to make a will
Q My husband and I are both 80. We each have three children from previous marriages. We also have a company that was my husband’s before we met and of which I am a director. Neither my husband nor I have made a will. I am concerned because he seems to think this is okay.
I hadn’t really thought about it until I read about families fighting over money after someone dies. I would hate it if this happened and I would want all the children to share this. My husband and I are very happy but my brother says my husband is just waiting for me to die so he doesn’t have to give me anything. I hope this isn’t the case. What should I do?
a Dying without a will can indeed leave a terrible mess for loved ones to clean up. However, it sounds like there is a communication problem here. Do you really think there is any truth to your brother’s claims or is he just being mean or jealous?
You probably know your husband best, so talk to him; ask why he doesn’t want to make a will and explain that you are worried about what will happen to the children. Tell him that you want to avoid arguments.
Sometimes people hesitate to tackle this issue because they fear their own mortality. The rules surrounding death without a will are very complicated. As his wife, you will inherit his property and a portion of his estate, but while his children will inherit a portion of his estate, yours will not. Even if you cannot convince your husband, you should definitely consult a lawyer to discuss how you can protect your assets and create a will yourself.
To see lawsociety.org.uk For more information.
If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Question_Caroline_.
Caroline reads all your letters, but regrets that she cannot answer each letter personally.
