Dear Caroline: I logged into a coworker’s work computer and was completely shocked by what I saw. Should I tell the boss?

Q I am a woman in my 40s and I am concerned about a good friend of mine who I have known since college. He seems to be struggling to cope after his wife left and left him with the kids. I am also concerned that they will be affected by his bitterness toward his ex. She seemed great when they first got together – fun, pretty, vibrant – but I now think she was a gold digger. Everything was fine until they had their first child. Then she started complaining that they weren’t going on exotic vacations anymore, and after the birth of their second child, things only got worse.

A year ago she suddenly left him for a rich man. My friend hates his ex now, doesn’t want her back and tries to make her life as hard as possible. He refuses to talk to her when she picks up or drops off the kids. I think he is also fighting with her about money. I understand how angry he is but I am concerned that it is the children. His oldest, who is 11, seems subdued. I have tried to talk to my boyfriend, but he refuses to get rid of his anger. I even wondered if I should discuss it with his ex-wife – although she never loved me; jealousy maybe, but I’m happily married so it was never a threat.

A Your friend’s ex-wife sounds materialistic and selfish! If not having exotic vacations was our only concern, life would be easy. How sad that she couldn’t put the kids first. It can be hard to support someone who is on a certain path – and your friend sounds like he’s put all his energy into revenge, which blinds him to a wiser choice.

I think you already know that talking to his ex is not a good idea. While she may not see you as a sexual threat, she may be jealous of your emotional closeness. Plus, she doesn’t sound trustworthy and would undoubtedly twist your words. He would see it as a huge betrayal if your intervention inevitably affected him.

Some would say it’s unwise to intervene, but I agree that his vindictiveness could hurt his children. You’ve tried to talk to him, but I suspect you’ve done so cautiously. Because you’re a trusted, long-term friend, you can risk being more insistent. So explain that you’re concerned, especially about his oldest child; that you completely understand his anger—you feel it for him too—but that in the end it will only hurt him and his children. He needs to find a way to hide his bitterness from them.

Try to persuade him to get in touch divorce.wikivorce.com or friendly.io to talk about trying to mediate and have a less confrontational breakup. You are a good friend and I hope he will listen. In the meantime, I doubt his ex-wife’s new relationship will last.

I am shocked by what I found on my work computer

Q I work in a small office three days a week and recently had to go to a meeting on a day when I normally wouldn’t have been there. I logged into one of the computers I share and saw that there was a porn site open. My coworker must have been watching the night before and forgot to close the site, unaware that I would be there the next day. It wasn’t illegal, but it’s still clearly against office rules and I’m a little scary. He seems as a nice guy, although now I see him as a slut. I don’t know if I should talk to him about how uncomfortable I found it or go to my boss.

A I am not a fan of porn. While it can be harmless to watch on the soft side, it can be exploitative of the ‘actors’ who participate in it. Addiction to it can ruin relationships. Furthermore, porn is now so pervasive that it is influencing the way young men view sex, and their attitudes towards how women should behave and look, which I find worrying. So I understand why you might feel differently about your coworker. But moral rights and wrongs aside, it is clearly against office policy to watch porn on a work computer.

I wonder if your coworker didn’t close the browser because he wanted you to see it. You don’t know how he’ll react if you talk to him and it’s better not to put yourself in that position. So I think you should go to your boss but get their assurance that they won’t tell your coworker that the information came from you. IT support could have ‘accidentally’ discovered it during some digital housekeeping.

If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X @Ask_Caroline_

Caroline reads all your letters, but regrets that she cannot answer each letter personally.