DEAR CAROLINE: My grieving ex calls me almost every day, and my husband thinks he’s overstepping the mark. How do I avoid upsetting them both?

Q My recently widowed ex-husband relies on me a lot for emotional support. I don’t mind, but my second husband isn’t too happy about it. I’ve been with my last husband for 15 years, married for ten, and we’re very happy together. We met about five years after my divorce. My ex had an affair, but we parted amicably and have remained good friends.

Honestly, it was almost a relief to have an excuse to end the relationship. We got married almost right out of college and after 20 years had become more like brother and sister. I feel so sad for him now. His late wife was a loving and good stepmother to our now adult daughters. She died of breast cancer and my ex is devastated, she calls me almost every day and visits often.

My husband is sympathetic – he usually gets along well with my ex – but he thinks he’s overstepping the mark. He says I need to try to stop him from relying on me so much. I’ve told him it’s temporary, that my ex is grieving and that his dependency will lessen over time. There’s no way we’ll ever rekindle our relationship, but my husband is a little jealous. How do I avoid upsetting both of them?

A You sound like a really good and loving person to support your ex in this way without trying to upset your husband. I believe you when you say that you have no romantic interest in your ex; your generous acceptance and obvious affection for his deceased wife shows that your relationship is completely in the past. I also agree that his grief will lessen and he will be less dependent on you. But I understand that your husband is a little jealous. Your ex may not be a sexual or romantic threat, but his proximity can be unnerving.

Would it help if he could see your ex as a brother or sister – because that is essentially what your relationship with him has become. Maybe it makes your husband think about your own closeness, which may have faded away in the midst of all the commotion. What he may also pick up on is the toll this may be taking on you. I’m sure you’re also grieving for your ex’s late wife, who sounds like she’s become a friend.

Then there is the loss that your daughters are feeling. I suspect that you may be carrying everyone else’s pain for them, which can be weighing you down. So continue to support your ex-husband, but also make sure he gets help from one of the excellent bereavement charities, such as mariecurie.org.uk or cruse.org.uk. Make sure that you set aside some ‘protected time’ each week, just for you and your husband. Perhaps you can start a conversation with him about how you can strengthen your own emotional bond, so that your marriage can come back to the forefront of your lives.

HIS MOTHER IS TOO STRICT ON OUR CHILDREN

Q My mother-in-law has never been an easy woman. My husband and his siblings had an extremely strict upbringing and he says his childhood was largely unhappy. He now gets along well with his mother (who is in her late 60s) but keeps her at a distance. He himself is the opposite as a father and very loving. However, our youngest child, now four, has just started school and I have gone back to work part-time.

My mother-in-law found out that my own mother is in charge of childcare and seems offended that we didn’t ask her too. But we just don’t want to make her the sole keeper of the kids. She’s too strict. Should I tell her? It’s hard to keep making excuses.

A Grandparental jealousy can be tricky to negotiate. Often, the daughter’s parents play a larger role, which can be difficult for the other set. However, in this case, it sounds like you and your husband have every reason to keep his mother at arm’s length (assuming she hasn’t changed). You both have the right to decide who you want—and feel comfortable with—to care for your children. If they were alone with her, you’d be spending your time worrying.

Your husband needs to have that conversation with her so she doesn’t blame you. He can tactfully and kindly tell her that he wants her to be involved in your children’s lives, but he feels it would be too difficult for her to manage them alone and that he or you would rather be there too. She may be offended at first, but she will come around because the power balance has ultimately shifted – she needs all of you more than you need her.