DEAR CAROLINE: My husband was sexting another woman… then claimed it was MY fault

Q I am 52 and have been married to my second husband for 14 years. We have a 12 year old child, with two adult children from my first marriage. My mother passed away a year ago and I have spent long periods away from home caring for her first and then my stepfather.

However, I recently found out that shortly after my mother died, my husband started sexting a woman he met in the area. He even booked a hotel room for them, but he later canceled it (I found receipts) and I believe it is over now. My first marriage ended largely due to my ex’s infidelity and my trust issues. My husband’s excuse for sexting was that it was something different for him, away from the humdrum of family life. He said that I was away from home so much that we were not having sex regularly.

He is a good father and we get along well. My adult children adore him. He also has a large extended family that I love dearly. I just don’t feel like I can get over his betrayal at a time when I was so vulnerable. How can I trust him again and, if I can’t, how can I spare everyone so much disruption and loss?

A I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. This is hard for you because you clearly love your husband and have built a life together. But he hurt you deeply, and it is especially hard after the betrayal of your first husband. His sexting was an “emotional affair” – nothing physical happened, but his thoughts and feelings were elsewhere, so he was emotionally unavailable to you.

This can be just as painful as a physical affair and it is extra painful that he sexted this woman while you were in the middle of your grief. The fact that your husband did not want to meet her and ended communication suggests that the sexting was indeed, as he says, an escape from reality and an unmet need in him, nothing serious.

Affairs happen for a number of reasons – sometimes it’s not so much about sex as it is about seeking emotional connection. They can be a confirmation that someone is still attractive or sometimes even a distraction from the fear of dying (sex is proof that you are fit and healthy). Whether you can forgive him depends on whether he is truly remorseful and willing to take you to a relationship counselor to find out why this happened.

Counseling isn’t always about fixing a marriage; sometimes it can help couples part ways with less bitterness and pain. It might also help you explore your trust issues, which sound like they existed before your first spouse’s infidelity. Try relate.org.uk or bacp.co.ukI hope this relationship can be restored. I think it is absolutely possible.

WE DON’T WANT THEM TO STAY WITH US

Q My 27 year old daughter and her boyfriend have been together for three years. My husband and I got along fine at first. But about 18 months ago, they moved in with us for a few weeks (their rental house was flooded) and our perception of him became a lot more sour. He was lazy, arrogant and sloppy, which was difficult because our house is small. Eventually I did say something politely, but he told me he didn’t like being called names like a child and we had a huge fight.

Since then, an uneasy peace has been restored, but my husband and I remain wary of him. Now, however, my daughter has asked if they can come and stay with us again, but only for a week. I don’t want to say no or upset her, but I really don’t want them here. My husband is dead set against it.

A Unfortunately, your daughter’s boyfriend doesn’t sound ideal. The fact that you remain “on guard” around him suggests that he has a temper. Furthermore, his comment about not wanting to be yelled at “like a child” is, ironically, very immature. You offered them both your home when they were in need and you made a reasonable request that it, and you, be treated with respect. You say your approach was polite, so he had no right to react in such a way.

I understand that you don’t want the situation to get worse again, while at the same time supporting your daughter. Perhaps the best way to protect your relationship with her is to tell her that you love her very much and are glad that you have put the previous incident behind you, but that you don’t want to risk it happening again. Do you have the financial means to help out with a B&B for a week instead?

If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_

Caroline reads all your letters, but regrets that she cannot answer each letter personally.