DEAR JANE: I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me — instead of confronting her, I got REVENGE

Dear Jane,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years now and I thought we were quite happy. Until I found out she had been cheating on me for the past six months with a man from her work.

When I found out what she had done behind my back I was pretty devastated. We live together, have a cat together and I was seriously thinking about proposing to her.

I didn’t want to accuse her of anything before I had all the facts, so I sat with the information for a few days while I dug around in her phone and credit card statements. I made some “innocent” inquiries of her friends under the guise of planning a surprise birthday party for her.

The more details I discovered about her relationship with this man, the angrier I became. By the end of the third day I had forgotten all the sadness and felt only anger.

Dear Jane, I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me with her employee. I was so angry that I wanted to take the ultimate revenge on her.

Dear Jane, I discovered that my friend was cheating on her with her employee. I was so angry that I wanted to take ultimate revenge on her.

All I could think about was hurting her the same way she hurt me. I embarrassed her like she embarrassed me.

Yeah, it wasn’t the most mature reaction, but I was angry!

So I decided to take revenge. I took all the evidence I found when I investigated her “affair” and sent it anonymously to her boss.

I told him that she was having an inappropriate relationship with one of her employees and that they had both used company communications to handle their affair (I found some Slack messages). Then I just sat back and waited.

A few days later she came home in tears and confessed that she had been fired. When I asked why, she said she “didn’t know” but thought one of her “jealous” coworkers had tried to put her down out of spite.

I had planned to dump her there and then, tell her I knew why she got fired and that I was done with her. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. She was so upset, I felt… guilty I guess?

So now here I am, days later, still living with her, still hiding these secrets. And I have no idea where to go from here.

International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her column Dear Jane agony aunt

International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her Dear Jane agony aunt column

I still love her, honestly, but I don’t know if there is a way out?


Fire starter

Dear Fire Starter,

I don’t think there is a way out and I sincerely hope you never do anything like this again.

I feel for you in discovering that your partner has been unfaithful. There is nothing worse than this kind of betrayal from someone you love. But there is no defense for the way you handled it.

Your relationship doesn’t stand a chance because there is no possibility of trust. I can imagine that it is becoming increasingly difficult for you to keep your secret.

Secrets are diseases: they always infect a relationship and tend to eventually leak out.

I can’t help but think that this is not a relationship that is meant to be, despite the cat, despite your thoughts about an impending proposal. The fact that she had an affair could indicate that there are real problems in the relationship, or with her ability to commit.

Either way, it doesn’t bode well for the future.

It seems like there are two options, one of which is to come clean with her and let her know that you not only know about her affair, but that you played a role in destroying her job. Maybe then you can go into more detail about why she had the affair, why you took such punitive action, and maybe there will be some pieces to pick up, but I suspect not.

The other option is to end this relationship, move on, and hopefully never find yourself in this type of situation again.

However, if you ever find yourself in this situation again, I sincerely hope that you sit down with your partner and tell them that you know, instead of thinking of clever ways to destroy their lives.

Dear Jane,

I am 36 years old and live a very happy life with my partner.

We both have good jobs, we have two dogs, and we recently closed on our first home together, which is incredibly exciting.

Early in our relationship, we discussed the idea of ​​marriage and children, and we both agreed that those “traditional” paths weren’t really for us. I don’t need a ring to prove to people that I’m in a committed relationship, and I’ve never felt the need to become a mother.

And I have never regretted that decision for a moment.

But the thing is, my friends seem to think that marriage and babies are the only milestones worth celebrating these days, and every time I want to do something to mark something else (a new job, buying my house), they make it seem like I’m being over the top or bragging about wanting to do that.

Last year I suggested we go on a trip with friends for my birthday – but most of my friends said they didn’t want to spend the money or were shocked that anyone would want to celebrate a birthday ‘at our age’. I threw a party when we closed on our house and wanted it to be black tie, but everyone said they didn’t want to get ‘all dressed up’.

Dear Jane’s Sunday Service

They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but I would argue that revenge is a dish best served unserved.

There is no benefit to be gained from punishing someone who hurt you.

It is much better to accept that they are doing the best they can with the knowledge and experience they have, and move on and protect yourself from future pain.


But when one of my friends’ babies turns one, they basically throw a goddamn carnival, with balloons and a petting zoo. And yet I’m the one who’s over the top? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to celebrate their kids – I love my friends and their kids – but why should I be expected to ignore everything in my own life just because I don’t want babies.

Do you have any ideas on how I can present this to them without seeming even more selfish?


Party pooped

Dear Party Pooped,

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. Not everyone has the same path in life, and it’s easy to forget that we’re not in the same boat.

New parenthood is so all-consuming, so exhausting, and even so exciting that it can be difficult to maintain relationships with anyone other than those who are also newly in “Babyville.”

Please know that this time will pass; that your friends will find their way back to themselves, and back to those friends, like you, who are not experiencing the same things at the same time.

Considering how exciting new parenthood is, and how exhausting, I’m not sure talking to your girlfriends will change their desire to go on a girls’ trip or dress in black tie. I think it’s best to accept that you’re temporarily in different stages of life.

Maybe instead of evening wear for a house closing party, you’re thinking of something your friends could, want, and want to do.

We make friends throughout our lives. While these friendships are temporarily on the back burner, you may want to focus on spending time with other people who are not bound by the same obligations, but who can celebrate with you in the way you want.

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