Got a new date? Here’s how to talk about money (and why you should)

Navigating the dating market can be daunting, even for the most hopeful romantic. Beyond initial attraction, you’re trying to gauge whether you have common interests, communicate effectively, and enjoy each other’s company after the butterflies have subsided. But most new couples avoid an important conversation that could set the tone for the future of their relationship: talking about money.

Finding a financially compatible partner plays a huge role in the long-term success of a relationship. But administering a 20-point money mindset questionnaire on the second date is likely to kill the mood and send a potential partner running for the hills.

I didn’t have any money conversations with my now husband during the four years we were in a relationship. Although we were both happy with how the other was handling his finances, our early years of marriage were plagued by constant financial tension because we had different money management styles.

Eventually, my husband and I learned to work together on our goals to pay off our debt and expand our real estate portfolio. But if we had been able to talk about money earlier, we could have gotten on the same page faster and avoided dozens of disagreements.

One of the most common and persistent arguments that couples have is about money. It is one of the leading causes of arguments in relationships because it is such a stressful topic.

But how do you start the conversation about money with someone without scaring them off? I spoke to experts and learned some tips for keeping it fun while uncovering the financial clues you need to take the next step.

Why Financial Compatibility Matters

Financial compatibility can help lay the foundation for a stable relationship, says Kendall Meade, a certified financial therapist and certified financial planner at SoFi. “One of the most common and persistent arguments that couples have is about money. It’s one of the leading causes of arguments in relationships because it’s such a stressful topic,” she says.

In fact, a Study from 2013 A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst found that money problems were the third leading cause of divorce (22%), following basic incompatibility (43%) and infidelity (28%). When partners share the same financial values ​​and goals, they’re more likely to find common ground in areas like spending, saving and investing, which can reduce friction.

According to a survey of 2,000 Americans via an online banking app, many couples don’t talk about money until they’re six and a half months into a relationship ChimesAnd 20% of respondents said they’re not as open about their financial habits as their partners might think.

Keeping money problems a secret – fighting debt, overspending, using up your savings, etc. – can seriously damage your relationship. Finding out your partner’s financial preferences can help you determine if you’re compatible, or work toward a compromise.

How do you find out if you are financially compatible with each other?

To be clear, “the money talk” should be an ongoing conversation rather than a one-time event. Here’s how to figure out if you’re on the same page and how well you can work together when it comes to managing finances as a couple.

Start with observations

Erika Kaplan, Vice President of Membership at Matchmaking Service Three day ruleadvises her clients to start observing behaviors early on to see if they have a potential financial match. “A really good indicator of financial compatibility is how people choose to spend their disposable income,” Kaplan says.

Although my husband and I didn’t talk about money directly, he recently revealed that he noticed certain behaviors during our dating life that helped him understand my approach to money. He noticed that I didn’t spend excessively, choosing to maintain my own hair and nails to go the distance between salon visits, for example. My frugality when it came to spending helped convince him that we would be a good financial match.

But you and your partner don’t have to have the same financial mindset to make it through.

Sidney and Saundra B. Curry, co-founders of BC Holdings of Tennesseehave been married for 30 years and have had different financial upbringings. But they both remember observing each other’s financial habits when they first started dating.

Sidney grew up in a low-income household and his early introduction to money was watching his parents struggle financially to provide for a family of nine. As an adult, helping his parents financially became a core focus for him and it was important to share that with his partner, Saundra.

“I spent money on someone else. You have to talk about these things, otherwise it can cause a lot of anxiety, anger and frustration,” he says.

Saundra’s training in financial literacy began at a young age. She realized her husband didn’t have the same experience in his formative years, but she appreciated that he was open to talking about money. “He grew up differently than I did, but when I brought up a financial topic, he didn’t block me,” she recalls. “He was willing to learn.”

Talk about the future

Listing your future goals is another exercise you and your partner can try early in the dating process. Annette Harris, an accredited financial advisor at Financial coaching from Harrisconducts this exercise with clients to help them assess financial compatibility. “I have clients list the top 10 things they want to accomplish in the next five to 10 years,” Harris says. “They compare that list to see if it’s compatible.”

Harris says an easy way to gauge financial compatibility while dating is to dream together and talk about future goals. The conversation almost always involves money, so it can give you a glimpse into their financial mindset.

During this exercise you may consider questions such as:

• Do any of you plan on doing any more training? How would you pay for it?
• Is home ownership a goal?
• Would either of you like to get married and how would you pay for the wedding?
• Do you want children in the future? How many?
• Are any of you saving for something special? What is it and why is it important to you?

When you need to talk about money

When you can start talking about money with your partner depends on your age and how quickly your relationship is developing.

Kaplan recommends not asking for specific information about income, bank account balances or credit scores right away. “Until you get close to finances, I tell my clients to ask easier questions to get insight into how they’re spending their money,” she says.

Kaplan says softball questions like, “Are you a saver or a spender?” keep the mood “sassy and flirty” without coming across as an interrogation. She advises not divulging personal financial details until the relationship has matured and you both agree it will lead to a long-term commitment or engagement.

Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Bad financial habits shouldn’t be ignored, but they’re also not a reason to end a new relationship. “No one knows everything about money. One person may have a level of financial literacy and understanding that’s greater than the other partner because they’ve been exposed to more information,” says Cohen Taylor, a behavioral wealth management expert at Asset Improvement Group.

Taylor believes it is important for someone to be willing to communicate about money, even when the topic is uncomfortable. If someone is unwilling to talk openly about financial decisions or past mistakes, it can be difficult to develop new financial skills or knowledge.

However, she does think dating is a good time to assess whether someone is engaging in financially risky behavior, such as gambling. “You want to understand if someone is taking financial risks that you’re not comfortable with,” Taylor says.

Financial dishonesty is also something not to overlook, she says. Even small lies about money, like a partner bragging about leaving a large tip when they only left a few dollars, can be a sign of problematic behavior, Taylor adds.

Money isn’t everything, but it does play an important role in your ‘happily ever after’

Dating someone new can be exciting, but don’t let the newness of a relationship stop you from learning more about your partner’s money habits. Financial compatibility can help you transition better into working on common goals in the future, such as buy a housetravel or plans for retirement.

It can be tricky to find the right balance and time to talk about money early in a relationship. By being observant and trying some of the suggestions above, you can determine whether the person you’re dating will be a healthy financial match for years to come.