WHEN I think of my children’s good friends, my heart not only sinks into my shoes, but it actually sinks to the depths of my stomach.
One uses drugs, another is a thief and the third has no scruples.
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I have three sweet, honest children: a daughter of 13 and two sons of 15 and 20.
They have more than 25 partners, and there isn’t a single good egg among them.
And then there’s Rose*, age 12, who thinks I don’t hear her swearing when she FaceTimes my daughter.
Sienna*, who is 15, thinks I have no idea that she was the one who convinced my son to try a vape that made him physically ill.
And Euan*, also 15, thinks: I don’t know, he steals from his mother’s bag and her drinks cabinet every weekend.
She tried to convince my daughter to get her earlobes pierced as well, but luckily my daughter has a low pain tolerance and wisely decided it wasn’t a good idea.
While pressing ‘confirm’ on a £3,000 payment for a recent family holiday felt like madness, it kept my brood away from their toxic friends for at least two weeks.
For that reason alone it was worth every penny.
During the wonderful summer vacation we just had, my kids’ dirty friends were reduced to “snapping” or FaceTiming them, even though they were thousands of miles away.
It’s now only a week until the start of the new school year and I’m already dreading the idea of my kids having to interact with their toxic friends again.
Bad start
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a controlling mother in any other scenario. I never check my phone and for the youngest two, their homework is their responsibility.
But I’ll be damned if I sit back and watch their lives fall apart at the hands of their filthy friends.
When I confront my three friends with the lack of morals of their best friends, you would think I was trying to convince them that the Earth is flat.
I even grounded them in an attempt to get them to find better friends.
But what they lack in taste in partners, they make up for in loyalty, and none of them are willing to abandon these good-for-nothings.
My oldest son got off to a bad start when his best friend in high school got a warning for shoplifting at age 12.
I spoke to him sternly and told him to be sensible with his friends, I thought he would take that to heart.
But then another friend was expelled from school because he picked up a stool in chemistry class and threw it at the teacher.
My middle child picked up where my eldest left off.
His best friend, David*, stole his father’s £20,000 Tag Heuer watch and showed it off at school with his ketchup-stained hand.
Recently, the child set off the fire alarm at school, forcing the evacuation of 2,500 students in the rain while firefighters rushed to a location where there was no emergency.
My son also has no idea that I heard him talking about one of the girls in his group of friends who kissed five boys in one night.
I’m a feminist, but come on, there can’t be much quality control, can there?
Interest in some far-right groups
With two older boys making idiotic choices, I had pinned my hopes on my reasonably sensible daughter.
But her brothers seem to have seamlessly passed on the baton of ‘just for dumb friends’.
Her best friend, who she has known since elementary school, not only pierced her own ears with a safety pin, which required her to get a tetanus shot right away, but she went a step further and pierced her own belly button, which sent her to the emergency room because the bleeding wouldn’t stop.
She tried to convince my daughter to get her earlobes pierced as well, but luckily my daughter has a low pain tolerance and wisely decided it wasn’t a good idea.
When a few years ago some of my eldest son’s friends began to show a frightening interest in far-right groups, I took action.
I booked him on a sailing trip, where he would be sailing with people his own age, which gave him a valuable skill, and even better, he was away from his racist, sexist, homophobic peers for three weeks.
It was worth the four-figure price tag because he has now abandoned this filthy gang.
It is well known that childhood friendships are vital to emotional well-being, but my children are like a bunch of Pied Pipers who only take in the homeless and strays that no one else wants.
When my children’s friends come over, I don’t have to lift a finger: if there are visitors and they want something to eat or drink, I make sure they get it.
It’s not like I’m friends with either of their parents.
To be honest, they are all feral animals.
Research shows that about 67 percent of adults are still friends with the kids they went to school with, which doesn’t bode well for my three kids.
My own schoolmates have now become partners in law firms, but some also live by order of His Majesty.
Needless to say, I am no longer friends with the prisoners.
It is well known that childhood friendships are vital to emotional well-being, but my children are like a bunch of Pied Pipers who only take in the homeless and strays that no one else wants.
No wonder I fear they will perish and their lives will be ruined.
There are already signs that they are adopting their friends’ bad habits.
I recently caught the youngest one giving her middle finger, while the middle one started swearing like crazy when he thought I wasn’t there.
If I had the money, I would send my children to boarding school.
Since that is a utopia, I will have to do it myself and try to save my children from their idiotic friends.
There are kids in their year who show promise, who are smart, who don’t steal, who don’t cheat, and who don’t lie, and I’m going to keep on keeping on until one of them shows up at my door.
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