I cheated on my brother-in-law and had his baby – not sure who knows

THEY say a problem shared is a problem halved – but do you ever get the feeling that some problems are so big that sometimes it seems like there is no solution?

That’s exactly how Lana* felt when she found out she was pregnant after an affair with her brother-in-law.

3

Despite being with her partner for almost a decade, the mother-of-one had several passionate encounters with her partner’s brother, which resulted in the birth of her youngest son, now one.

And Lana admits she hasn’t told anyone about the cheating, including her partner or the baby’s father.

Constantly ‘tortured’ by the past

When she initially called ‘agony uncle’ and YouTube star Dr John Delony to open up about the affair she’d had with her brother-in-law, Lana was reluctant to reveal the extent of her dilemma.

Laughing nervously. Lana began, “My question is, how do you move forward? [the] past, and a lot of terrible things from the past and just change your life and get your marriage back?”

“There’s another complication in the story… Well, two… It was my brother-in-law.”

Lana

Lana explained her relationship background and revealed that her seven-year marriage had been affected by emotional abuse from both sides – and that they had both cheated.

On his end, the infidelity started about a year after their wedding, and on her end, Lana confessed that she started cheating three years ago – once online, and another in a physical relationship.

The couple sat down two years ago and both opened up about the affairs they had had.

Lana says, “We shared it all. We asked the big question of whether we really wanted to make this work, and the only way to move forward was to share everything and that was our decision.”

Dr. Delony asks, “What was the outcome of that hard conversation?

“Did you know he was cheating on you, and he knew you were cheating on him, or was it a shock to both of you?”

Lana responded that they both knew, and John then asks, “So what’s changed in the last two years, or are you in the same place again?”

She says, “Thankfully not, in the same place. I feel like I’m constantly being tortured by my past… remembering what he did, and then what I did, and hating myself for it.”

“There’s another complication…”

While investigating where his caller is currently located, Dr. Delony: “Do you have images that come to your mind of him being sexually involved with another woman?

“Do you have moments… when you think about being physically with that other man and it makes you smile, makes your heart race, and then it makes you feel sick?”

Lana agrees, before adding, “There’s one more complication in the story… Well, two.

“It was my brother-in-law.”

“Did you say it out loud? You slept with your sister-in-law’s husband! That happened, you did that – you shouldn’t have done that, can we agree on that?”

Dr. John Delony

A shocked Doctor Delony responds, “Man, that makes Thanksgiving awkward, doesn’t it?”

“Nobody talks about it,” Lana replies, before a surprised doctor asks Delony, “Don’t they see the little kid running around?”

Lana says, “That’s right, but he looks enough like me… I don’t know.

Dr. Delony responds, “Oh my god, the dysfunction is multi-level.”

Come on

Looking for advice, Lana reveals that she feels lost and doesn’t know how to move forward, saying: “Should this be made public and we should never go to his family or see any of them? “

Dr. Delony says, “Don’t they know? Your sister-in-law doesn’t know it was you, or does she just not tell anyone?

‘I’m sure everyone knows and for the sake of your husband and this little baby, everyone is trying to keep the peace.

‘Here’s the deal. You’ve said yes forever. He violated that. You violated that.

“As a result of that violation, you now have another child. Another marriage broken.

I’m not going to blame it all on you, I’m going to blame it on him [too].”

3

Small steps towards a solution

Although Lana clearly felt hopeless at the beginning of the conversation, Dr. Delony assures her that if it is broken down, the problem can be addressed and managed.

Dr. Delony adds: “That all sounds so complicated and it feels like the smoke is so thick – it really isn’t.

“One of my favorite things to do in a situation like this is to sit down with someone when everything feels like it’s on fire and really calm it down.

“What you actually have in front of you is a repeated series of small steps that will be the next six months, the next year, the next five years, the next 25 years of your life.

‘And that is choosing the next good thing.

“That means intentionally having thirty-minute check-ins with your husband once a week or now, maybe two or three times a week: ‘How are you doing?’ How are you feeling?’

“The devotion to him and him to you – there will be no more secrets.

“We practice not having secrets anymore, which means we practice telling the truth, which means we practice vulnerability, which means we practice how to get married.

“Did you say it out loud? You slept with your sister-in-law’s husband! That happened, you did that – you shouldn’t have done that, can we agree on that?”

Four warning signs that your partner is cheating

Private investigator Aaron Bond from BondRees revealed four warning signs that your partner may be cheating.

They start taking their phones everywhere

In close relationships, it is normal to know each other’s passwords and use each other’s phones. If their phone habits change, they may be hiding something.

Aaron says, “If your partner starts changing his password, taking his phone everywhere, even around the house, or if he gets defensive when you ask to use his phone, this could be a sign that he’s not being faithful. “

“You should also look at how they put their phone down when not in use. If they look at the phone with the screen facing down, they may be hiding something.”

They start telling you less about their day

If partners cheat, they may avoid you. This could be because they feel guilty or because it is easier for them to lie to you.

“If you feel like your partner suddenly starts avoiding you and stops wanting to do things with you or stops talking about their day, this is another warning sign.”

“Partners often avoid their spouses or tell them less about their day because cheating can be difficult, remembering all your lies is impossible, and it’s an easy way to get caught,” says Aaron.

Their libido changes

Your partner’s libido can change for a variety of reasons, so it may not be a sure sign of cheating, but Aaron says it can be a warning sign.

Aaron says: “Cheaters often have less sex at home because they are cheating, but occasionally they may also have more sex at home. This is because they feel guilty and use this increase in sex to hide their cheating. You may also find that your partner will introduce new things into your sex life that were not there before.”

They become negative towards you

Cheaters know that cheating is wrong and for them it will feel good. This can cause tension and anxiety within themselves that they will have to justify.

“To release the tension they feel inside, they will try to convince themselves that you are the problem and out of nowhere become critical of you. Maybe you didn’t walk the dog that day, do the dishes, or do a book read. Book to your children before bed. A small problem like this can now feel like a big problem and if you experience this, your partner may be cheating,” Aaron warns.

“For God’s sake, don’t cheat.”

Speaking about the positives Lana can take into the future, Dr. Delony goes on to say, “You have an amazing young child… We’re going to honor this little child and at the same time, we’re not going to cover this thing up out of shame.

“Going to family functions and pretending nothing happened is the curse of generations.

“It is the fog that hangs over every gathering. The black smoke that hangs in the air around every interaction with family members.

“At some point, your husband — it’s his family — has to stand up at some point and say, ‘Hey, this happened, this is what we’re doing about it, it’s going to be great.’”

At the end of the phone call, Dr. Delony adds, “For heaven’s sake – don’t cheat. Point. And especially don’t cheat with family members. Not anymore.

“Thank you for your courage and for your call.”

*Names have been changed.

3