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WHEN I get into bed, I carefully place the pillow barrier in the middle of the mattress – I have to keep my husband Harry, 46, firmly on his side of the bed. I hate it when he rolls over and gets in my face.
To be honest, he should be happy to be in bed at all.
![Sex can take a back seat when a baby comes along and Helen admits she would rather share a bed with her daughter than her husband [posed by models]](http://usmail24.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/09/29074765-dc71-46be-8890-c1981a963943.jpg)
4
My favorite sleeping buddy is our five-year-old daughter Lily*: she’s quiet, she doesn’t fidget and she always smells wonderful.
I often find an excuse to drive Harry out of the marriage bed in favor of her. He’s been out late, he’s coughing, Lily isn’t feeling well, are all “reasons” why I’ve been sleeping with Lily instead of him for the past month.
Until recently our sex life was limited to rare weekend getaways. Now I’ve decided to rekindle it, but only because I’m feeling broody and want a little brother or sister for Lily.
I find it amazing how much my priorities have changed.
Harry was the center of my world, now I love her more than him and he knows it.
And it turns out that science confirms what I’ve known since my daughter was born: Parents “love” their children more than they love their partners.
Researchers studying brain activity in response to feelings of affection found that children showed the strongest response and also activated the most brain areas.
‘Overwhelmed by a rush of love’
I met Harry ten years ago on a night out in Manchester, where we live, and I fell in love from the start.
I thought he was hilarious, fun to be around and athletic, which I find attractive. Our sex life was phenomenal.
And I would do anything for him. I even enjoyed making him elaborate lunches with his favorite baguette with ham and cheese and delivering them to the PR office where he works.
We got married eight years ago and three years later I got pregnant with Lily.
The first time I noticed that he wouldn’t take responsibility was during my three-day labor.
Although Harry adores Lily, he was not as willing as I was to put her first.”
Helen Bury*
On the second day he left the hospital to meet a buddy and have some “decent” food and a beer. I couldn’t eat anything, I was hungry, I was in a lot of pain and I was very hurt that he thought it was right to leave me because the doctors said the delivery wasn’t imminent.
When Lily was born, I was hit with a wave of love I had never felt before, and I knew I would throw myself in front of a bullet to save her.
I can’t say I would do the same for Harry, after all a child needs its mother.
4
I grind my teeth in anger
It quickly became apparent that Harry, while crazy about Lily, wasn’t as willing as I was to put her first.
He has carried on with his life as normal, never missing a match of his beloved Manchester United, taking a day off from the gym and skipping a night out with the boys.
I have now started exercising, the idea of going to the gym is laughable – I am far too tired.
Not only physically, but also mentally it is quite a challenge to combine my job at HR with caring for Lily.
The responsibility of having a child has made me an adult. Harry still hasn’t.
His little behaviors, which I used to find funny or at worst mildly annoying, now cause me to grit my teeth in anger.
When he comes up behind me to tickle me while I’m unloading the dishwasher, it no longer degenerates into a playful fight and I swat him away.
4
“He’s an older, smellier, male version”
He says I’ve lost my sense of humor, I say I’m too tired to find it funny anymore after having to clean up all his dirty coffee cups and plates.
I can’t just ignore them and no matter how many times I tell him it’s not going to happen he ignores me. I’m tired of the fight.
Ditto, the bristles all over the bathroom after he uses his electric shaver. He’s a grown man and should notice these things.
I feel like he’s just making my life harder. I have to take care of Lily, but she needs me to do things for her. And then there’s Harry, who can take care of himself perfectly well, but is still a baby who wants me to do everything. He’s an older, smellier, male version of Lily!
When I pack him a lunch, I sometimes put a piece of ham between two slices of bread, although I do harbor a bit of resentment about that.
Nothing is too much trouble for Lily.
I have bento boxes for her and I lovingly cut her sandwiches into hearts or stars and slice her grapes.
I also always cook her favorite meals and eat with her.
Her current favorite is macaroni and cheese with bacon.
Harry doesn’t like it, but I leave a portion for him to heat up if he’s not there when Lily and I eat together.
I won’t let Harry use my toothbrush if he forgets his while we’re out – it would smell like his breath… But with Lily it would be fine”
Helen Bury*
If he learned to cook, I would be more inclined to make his favorite dishes. I ordered Gousto so he could learn, but he even messed up the step-by-step instructions.
The other day we went to a cafe and I ordered waffles with cream, Lily chose a baguette with sausage.
She ate half of it, then saw my waffles and wanted them – no problem.
She ended up with two breakfasts, I got half of a mangled baguette. There is no way I would share my food with Harry.
How to Improve Family Dynamics
Integrative Psychotherapist Nicola Saunders say:
“When we have a baby, women often take maternity leave and often [take on] a lot of heavy household chores and we’re getting into a bit of a routine.
“For about a year now, the dynamics within our family relationships and our relationship as a couple have changed.
“When women are thinking about returning to work, it is really important to have conversations about who is going to take over the roles.
“One of the great signs [of a problem] is the moment when intimacy decreases.
“This can be really problematic. What is really important is that communication starts from the beginning.
“If you look at your partner and think, ‘God, he’s just like one of the kids,’ talk to him about it.
“Talk about it because he can’t do anything about it if you don’t communicate with him.
And conversely, if you notice that your wife is talking to you like you are a child, or if you feel like she is treating you like one of her children, talk about it.
“If there are problems and you have difficulty communicating, seek help, seek professional help from a therapist.”
“He’s just grateful that there’s sex again”
There’s actually a lot I’d like to share with Lily: I won’t let Harry use my toothbrush if he forgets his while we’re out. It would smell like his breath.
But Lily would be fine.
When he leaves, it feels like a vacation. I put clean sheets on the bed and enjoy being the only one in the bed, or Lily if she wants to share.
When I change the sheets when he’s around, I let him soak in my hot tub first so they don’t get tainted with his scent.
They are all small things, but they do show where my priorities lie.
For a long time we hardly had sex, even though it was an important and fulfilling part of our relationship.
Now I am too tired and ‘touched’. Although I am broody at the moment, we have started having sex again at the right time of the month.
We talked about it, we both want another child and I think he is grateful that sex is possible again.
4
“He will soon revert to his sloppy habits”
I find Lily fascinating in every way, I love watching her sing and dance, Harry joins in sometimes and it gives me the shivers.
He is not a little child, but a grown man and he should behave like one.
I do talk to him and then he changes his behavior for a while and tries to be a bit more attentive, but soon he falls back into his sloppy behavior.
But I do want our marriage to work.
I still love Harry and sometimes I still like him, especially when he looks well groomed and has been helpful all day.
I think we can get all excited again when I’m not so tired anymore. But if I do manage to get pregnant, it could be a while.
And I find comfort in the thought that my friends are all in the same boat.
Whenever I go out to brunch with the girls, it inevitably ends up in us complaining about our husbands and how annoying they are.
We can’t all end up in divorce court, can we?
*Name has been changed.
