I had an ’emotional affair’ with a married man – it came to a VERY messy end

AUTHOR Lucy Cavendish, 57, knows first-hand why falling in love with someone – even if it doesn’t turn into a full-blown affair – can destroy a relationship.

I had been with my partner for nine years when one day I looked out the window and saw an incredibly handsome man walking by.

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He had a dog, a big stick and a lot of shaggy hair. He was physically imposing, but a friendly-looking figure.

When he looked up and saw me staring, I was sure I was blushing.

Not that he seemed to mind. He just gave me a huge wave and a huge grin.

And that was it. My heart skipped a beat and my pulse raced. I just knew I had to be with him.

My partner and I lived with our two children in a small village in the Cotswolds and although we were not married, we were completely committed. Everyone called us husband and wife.

I thought I was happy, but looking back, I couldn’t have been – otherwise I wouldn’t have fallen in love with someone else.

It was extraordinary, because I consider myself a rational person.

I also know, in my work as a relationship therapist, that this kind of “chemistry” should never be trusted. You know nothing about the other person, so how can you fall in love at first sight?

But from that moment on I was completely sold.

An astonishing 78.6 percent of men have admitted to having an emotional affair – in other words, an affair without any physical intimacy.

But an even greater number of women, 91.6 percent, have done the same.

The object of my affection, Theoand his wife Emilyhad just moved into our village and after I met them in the pub a few times with my partner, we quickly became friends.

We went out to eat, took long walks together and had them together.

My partner sometimes worked in healthcare in the evenings and Theo would come over and cook for me and my children, or we would join him and Emily for dinner.

Incredibly attractive

The more I got to know him, the more I felt he was the person I needed to be with.

I felt so seen and heard by him and realized that my relationship lacked connection and communication.

Theo was kind, funny, giving and gentle. It was incredibly attractive.

Emily was also nice and I liked her, which made my feelings for her husband even more difficult.

She wasn’t particularly adventurous, but I was – so Theo and I went out with the kids.

I felt such an intense emotional connection with him and, most importantly, he looked out for me and did all the little things I wished my partner would do, like cooking meals and taking out the bins.

He was also wonderful to my children, and because he and Emily had their own child, they were a big family.

I must admit I lost my head and found myself talking about Theo to almost everyone, which was incredibly indiscreet.

But it was like I was obsessed.

Although people believe that emotional matters are not threatening, that is not the case

Lucy Cavendish

When my partner was at work and Emily didn’t want to go out, Theo and I would go out for a drink or to a fun event.

It made me feel like we were a couple.

But boundaries were never crossed and there was no physical intimacy whatsoever, even though I wanted it.

This was an emotional matter and although people believe that emotional matters are not threatening, that is not the case.

Most men view sex with someone as an affair and therefore do not consider this emotional infidelity an affair.

But for many women, like me, it is. My body wanted him – and my heart wanted him too.

If we had had sex, it could never have been casual for me.

In my experience, both personally and professionally, women like to say that they can have casual sex, but they can still get emotionally involved. It’s very messy.

Messy conclusion

The root cause of an affair is that needs are not being met, and for women it is often because they do not feel emotionally supported and understood.

That’s why this connection with my neighbor felt like an affair.

All elements were present.

I spent my whole life trying to figure out how to be with him.

I changed the way I looked, lost weight, and had my hair cut and dyed to feel better about myself after years of pregnancy and maternity clothes.

For the first time in years, I started to worry about how I dressed.

I told him about my life and he was understanding and supportive, which is what I craved.

When I see couples for counseling, women find an emotional affair – where they believe their partner has become close to another woman – just as disturbing and just as much of a betrayal as if their partner had had sex outside the relationship.

But my experience is that men find emotional matters more difficult to understand. They believe that they were not unfaithful because it was not physical.

It takes a while for them to understand how angry and anxious their wife is.

Part of this sense of betrayal for the women is that they believe that they should be the person their husband turns to.

There is also a sense of threat.

My emotional affair seriously threatened my long-term relationship. I put energy, thoughts and care into another man who knew more about me than my own partner.

It all came to a head when my partner confronted me. He accused me of having an affair. I confidently told him no, but he asked me not to spend any more time with Theo.

Later, when my partner had gone to work and Theo showed up for our daily walk, I told him and he kind of laughed it off.

He revealed that my partner had gone to talk to his wife but she had just told him to relax and said there was nothing to worry about.

She had ultimate trust in her husband and I was very confused.

In my mind, I had created a world where the only reason he didn’t leave his wife was because it would be so painful.

It hadn’t occurred to me that I was a symptom of something that was wrong in their marriage, but that fundamentally they had a very strong union.

In the end it all came to a rather messy conclusion.

Being in a committed relationship is daily work and emotional matters ARE still business

Lucy Cavendish

One night I got very drunk at a party and in the dark backyard I lunged at Theo and tried to kiss him. I blurted out how I felt, how special he made me feel and how much I loved him.

At first he looked shocked, then he took my hand and gently told me he loved his wife.

He said he would never do anything to hurt her and that we couldn’t be more than friends. It was clear he did not share my feelings.

Over time we all moved on and I started to see life a little clearer. My partner and I eventually broke up and started dating other people.

Theo and Emily are still married and I consider them my friends.

Looking back, I’m relieved that we didn’t have a physical relationship. That would have hurt a lot of people. When I told my best friend at the time, she very emphatically told me to walk away.

“He will never leave his wife,” she said. “You get blamed for everything.”

I was angry with her at the time because that wasn’t what I wanted to hear. But I know now that she was right.

This is what I tell couples I counsel: they have to work hard on communication and connection.

Being in a committed relationship is daily work and emotional matters ARE still business.

Emotional infidelity has meaning. When a person becomes close to another person, they take away the emotional support of their marriage or long-term relationship.

And believe me, there is always some form of sexual fantasy involved. That’s why they are so dangerous.

The most important thing is to be open and honest about it.

I wasn’t at the time. Now I know that if I ever felt this way again, I would talk about it and move on.

*names have been changed