ELLIE Flloyd cheats on her husband of 27 years once a week.
Here she explains why with incredible honesty.
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While scrolling through Mumsnet I came across a thread about extramarital affairs.
The woman explained that she had signed up because of her sexless marriage.
She was roundly vilified and told to end her marriage because cheating is never an excuse.
It’s a sentiment I would have expressed for the entire 27 years of my marriage.
But this time I paused and read what she had to say. How the lack of intimacy left her feeling half alive, how she loved her husband but craved sex.
And I nodded in agreement.
And now, a year later, I too am guilty of straying from my devoted husband.
Over the past year I have had three encounters with different men.
The third I see every week, giving my husband a kiss before I leave.
I also give my 24-year-old daughter Annie a hug and thank her for coming to see me on Wednesday to give me some rest.
They think I’m out with my best friend or shopping.
Then I leave the house with my usual mix of emotions – excitement and crushing guilt – to meet my beloved.
Would my daughter be there if she knew what I was really doing?
I hope I never find out.
Delicious intimacy
My affair is life-affirming and wonderful: it has helped me to stop taking my antidepressants and my blood pressure pills.
I feel happy again now — sometimes.
The sex we have is passionate but also tender. I suspect I am falling in love and the feeling is mutual.
I never thought I would have an affair. At 51, I am no longer a femme fatale.
But I never expected that my beloved husband of 27 years would deteriorate before my eyes from the terrible disease called early-onset dementia.
I had no idea that being a caregiver would drive me to despair, that the lack of sex would leave me feeling so destitute.
It was something I took for granted during my marriage, not only the pleasure of the act, but also the wonderful intimacy afterwards.
Richard, now 53, and I met through mutual friends.
I found him attractive right away.
He looked like a teddy bear, not too heavy, but sturdy, with nice, masculine hands.
I especially enjoyed his sharp humor and emotional intelligence.
We were in tune with each other and I felt safe with him.
Within 18 months we were engaged and moved into our home on the outskirts of Bath, and a year later we had a big white wedding.
We were Mr. and Mrs. Average, but I felt blessed: I had found my soulmate.
It’s been about seven years since I noticed a change in Richard
Ellie
The biggest problem was that we had trouble getting pregnant for the first two years of our marriage.
But then we had Annie, quickly followed by Chloe, 22, and six years later a lovely surprise: Becky.
She is now 16 and it pains me that her father disappears during her precious years of growing up.
We’ve always had a healthy sex life, even in the early baby years.
It’s been about seven years since I noticed a change in Richard.
The kids started complaining about his driving and I noticed he had a tendency to collect.
We were building an extension and had to clear out the attic and he wanted to cling to everything.
He was generally completely unsentimental.
It reached a peak in 2019.
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He was fired from his job as an accountant after making some mistakes.
He didn’t tell me he was being investigated, he wanted to protect me and hoped it would go away on its own.
That didn’t happen. When we spoke to him, he admitted that he felt dizzy.
At the same time I noticed that his hand was shaking.
We went to our GP and in November of that year he was diagnosed with Lewy body dementia.
The shock was enormous.
We both cried and mourned our retirement. We had planned to walk around Europe.
After much Googling, I came across more and more bad news: the average life expectancy after diagnosis is five to eight years.
His downfall was gradual.
He is now doubly incontinent.
He can walk, but he shuffles.
He cannot be left alone.
I can do my administrative work from home and caregivers come by three times a day.
But at night I have to do it myself, including showering him and changing his incontinence pants.
I don’t blame him, although in my darkest moments I wished he had been taken sooner, for his own sake.
The only thing that gives him comfort is our cat Hector, who sits with him when he watches TV.
He can communicate.
I became depressed and my blood pressure shot through the roof from the stress
Ellie
The niceties of life, like asking how I am, seem to come naturally to him, but he can’t seem to hold a conversation.
Our children are amazing, and so are our friends and family.
But I felt terribly lonely and scared.
I started to suffer from depression and my blood pressure shot up from the stress.
Medication helped, but I felt like I was groping in the dark.
It was that thread on Mumsnet that set in motion a chain of events that makes me feel alive again.
I struggled with my conscience for a few weeks before I signed up for a dating site specifically for affairs. The site was called Illicit Encounters and it took a few more weeks before I started responding to messages.
The first man I met was nice.
He and his wife had an open relationship, which she confirmed over the phone.
After a few weeks we met for a cup of coffee in a hotel.
We agreed that if we liked each other, we would move on.
Unfortunately, he had erectile dysfunction, which really knocked my self-confidence.
But we became friends and I still keep in touch with him and his wife.
The second man held a one-morning stand, again in a hotel near me, miles from his home in Yorkshire.
We knew it would be a one-time thing, but he had made me laugh with the messages we had been sending each other for a month before we met.
I had also told him a lot about my life. We talked about how I felt the need to take the plunge if we liked each other.
The night before I had a problem and we spoke on the phone.
He was so charming and made me feel comfortable, so when we met I was glad he took the lead.
Within half an hour of meeting we had sex and it was amazing.
I felt desired and alive.
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We said goodbye with a kiss and I will always remember him fondly.
My newest husband is from the area and he cares for his wife, who has Huntington’s disease.
I actually knew her before.
I trusted him enough to meet him at their home.
She goes to respite care every Wednesday, so we have a fixed day of the week on which we meet.
We had agreed on a code word: if I wanted sex, I would say I wanted cake.
After a tour of his garden, I started talking enthusiastically about cake.
In none of our homes is there a so-called marital bed anymore.
He has his own bed and I’ve discovered that sex is also fun in new places, like the couch and the floor.
He is attractive, but the greatest connection comes from understanding exactly what the other person is going through.
He has improved my life so much.
Since we met in April, I have stopped taking all my medications.
I love feeling attractive again, I love having sex regularly, I was too young to realize that part of my life would be over.
I live in fear of being caught and am tormented by guilt. I can’t even think about my lover’s wife.
As for my children, I think my older daughters might understand, but I suspect Becky would be devastated.
Like a toddler
I also like that people have a positive opinion of me. They think I’m some kind of saint and I’m afraid that opinion will quickly disappear if they find out.
I’m mostly worried about my friends who have been cheated on.
I don’t know if they can distinguish this situation from a typical case of betrayal.
My best friend knows and assures me that what I am doing is necessary.
But my poor husband can’t escape, so why should I?
I hope people read my story and talk to their partner about it before they reach this stage.
I wish we had had these kinds of hypothetical conversations when he was still healthy.
I’m sure he would have told me what I do. He was kind, rational and wanted me to be happy.
I would like it for him.
It’s too late for those conversations.
He’s like a toddler, he demands my attention and has no sense whatsoever.
As for my extramarital affair, neither of us would leave our partners.
It would be dangerous and complicated and hurt too many people.
I love my husband and want to be there for him.
Sometimes I fantasize about being with my loved one someday, but before that happens, I have to go through so much pain that I don’t know what that will be like in practice.
And I have to take very good care of the children.
Sometimes I think the elders would appreciate it if I brought a cheerful and happy person into the family.
But for now I need this escape, and I hope that if it ever comes out, I won’t be judged too harshly.
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