I let my 3 year old son watch a screen for 7 hours a day – I feel guilty, but it helps me get a nap
WRITER Charlotte Owen, 38, from Leeds, uses technology for up to seven hours a day to keep the peace when her toddlers are having tantrums.
Here she tells Fabulous why she regrets it so much.
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It’s 5am when I feel my 14-month-old son, Seb, making his way to the middle of our bed.
He has already woken up three times during the night and my husband Alex and I are completely exhausted.
If we don’t jump out of bed and start the day, he throws a tantrum, so I give him my phone.
While he watches Hey Duggee on iPlayer, we’re stealing another 30 minutes of sleep.
Sometimes we feel guilty about shoving a phone in his face in the morning, but when we refuse we get yelled at, shouted at, or toys thrown at us.
These tantrums will continue until we give in and he picks up the phone.
The so-called “cry pad” habit, where technology is used to soothe a child, is one we simply can’t break.
I really regret starting this, especially since a recent report from Eotvos Lorand University in Hungary found that children trying to calm a tantrum actually get worse when given a phone or tablet.
Experts even claim that the use of crypads prevents children from learning how to control their emotions and can lead to “more serious problems with emotion regulation.”
When Seb was about 12 months old, our phones became ‘digital dummies’, a technological tactic we used to keep him happy.
In the beginning he didn’t sleep very well and I went from seven or eight hours of sleep a night before he came to blocks of up to three hours.
It was a huge shock.
During the first two years of his life, he woke up at 5 a.m. after waking up as many as four times during the night.
Sometimes he would scream until we rocked him back to sleep, but as soon as we put him down he would start screaming again.
The first thing he did in the morning was scream happily and joyfully. The exact opposite of how Alex, 37, and I felt as we tried to pry open our bleary eyes.
We soon got used to putting Seb in our bed, but his playful giggling quickly turned to frustration when we begged him to go back to sleep.
‘Our phones became digital dummies’
Seb started throwing tantrums, arching his back and crying as we tried to get him away from the edges of the bed to keep him safe.
But if we gave him a phone and his favorite episode of Brum — a children’s program about a vintage car — he would quickly calm down. It meant we could close our eyes for a little while longer.
At first Seb had trouble concentrating for long, but by the time he was one and a half years old he could easily watch something for an hour.
When he had had enough of one program, we would move on to the next: In The Night Garden, Supertato, Peppa Pig, Bluey, Paw Patrol.
And while the “motherly feeling” ran deep, there was no denying that screens made parenting easier.
Soon he started talking and his first morning words were, “Can I watch Paw Patrol on your phone, mommy?”
If I said no, he would burst into tears and refuse to be comforted until we gave in.
If you as a parent claim that you don’t do this, then either your child sleeps through the night (lucky you), or you are lying.
A House of Commons report published in May this year found that children who spent more than two hours a day in front of a screen had ‘poorer working memory, poorer processing speed, poorer attention and poorer language skills’.
‘I’ve tried not to be dependent on technology’
These findings are alarming, but I would argue that it is also detrimental to children’s well-being when they are raised by parents who are pushed to the breaking point by stress.
I’ve tried not to rely on technology as a babysitter.
Not so long ago we booked a table at our local pub for Sunday lunch, armed with a supply of toys and books – the sort of things that so-called ‘good’ parents use to entertain their children.
But Seb soon became restless and wanted to remain standing in his chair while we looked forward to the food.
In a panic, we grabbed his headphones and plugged them into Alex’s phone, hoping to nip a real tantrum in the bud.
Even during soft play, if Seb came to me crying, I would quickly call him on the phone for five minutes to stop his tears until he was ready to play again.
And when Alex is at work and I have the tough job of juggling household chores with parenting, I rely on screens to keep the kids calm.
Despite what parenting books say, it’s a lot easier to sit Seb, now three years old, in front of a screen than to ask him to help unload the dishwasher.
Of course, this does mean that Seb’s total screen time quickly adds up.
An American study shows that children between the ages of two and four spend an average of two to 2.5 hours a day looking at a screen.
On ‘good’ days, or if Seb has been to daycare, it’s about an hour.
But when Alex is at work and I’m tired of parenting alone, it’s quickly seven o’clock.
“Who has the energy to be a parent 24/7?”
His one-year-old sister Harriet also spends a lot of time in front of the screen.
Although she is not yet interested in phones, she often watches the large TV in the living room with a vacant look while Seb watches Bluey.
And I know that when she reaches the “terrible twos,” the only way I can calm her down is to calm her down with a screen.
I know that I am also guilty of (bad) example behavior.
I phub my kids daily, scrolling through my phone while ignoring them. According to researchers at the University of Texas, this can hinder a child’s language development.
I just can’t stop, even though I know I should actually be living ‘in the moment’.
But who has the energy to be a parent 24/7?
Yes, I may not be the fun, involved parent I should be. And I worry that we have created a monster, so to speak, or that we are stifling our children’s creativity.
But motherhood is hard and we all try to get through it the best we can.
How to wean them
KATHRYN MEWES, star of Channel 4’s The Three Day Nanny, reveals how to wean your children off the ‘crying pillows’ quickly.
Day one
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“You have to create a very structured day that is focused on the child,” says Kathryn.
“Plan two activities: go to the park in the morning and to the supermarket in the afternoon.
“Play two blocks of 20 minutes alone with your child, so that he/she also likes to play alone afterwards.
“No screens on day one – keep them busy, even if that intensive schedule isn’t realistic for more than the first 24 hours.”
Day two
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“Here you need different types of toys, books or Play-Doh to keep them entertained when they ask for screens,” she says.
“Introduce the idea that you are on a screen while you are standing in front of them.
“To do this, you play for 20 minutes, but in the last five minutes you tell them that you are going to make a decision, so that they get used to having screens around them, without having access to them.”
Day three
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“Three blocks of 20 minutes of screen time a day is fine for kids, so moms can get on with the things they need to do,” she explains.
“If you do take the screen away, think of an activity you can take them to right away when they are little, or explain to older children that they can get the screen back after lunch or bath time.
“Get through the tantrums with distractions.”
