I love my husband, but I hate to share a bed with him, and it’s not because he snores: Sophie Paluch reveals why separate rooms have saved her marriage

I see the appearance of surprise that someone’s face crosses when I mention that my husband and I sleep in separate beds.

Most people I know have stereotypical sleeping arrangements, a social norm from a couple in one bed, say goodnight to each other and hug asleep, but how many of those couples can say that they really sleep well?

I’m not guessing that much.

My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married nine and, except going on vacation (while in most cases the need forces us to share), we spent most of our years as a few sleep in separate beds.

It is not a sleeping arrangement that I expected, nor was it planned, but I can probably go as far as say that it encouraged us.

We met when I was twenty -three and fresh from the early twenties world of sleeping where my head fell.

I had spent the university in house shares, in the summer at home with my parents, late, catching up where I could-all the good stuff that is accompanied by the carefree life of pre-kids.

Sleep had always been easy for me, in fact I slept famous for a fire alarm in my place of residence, and I hadn’t even drunk.

I have always had good sleeping habits, I have read a lot before bed, and it calms me. I find it easy to switch off, settle down and sleep for a good eight hours.

My husband certainly finds sleep more challenging, he is a slight sleeper, susceptible to repeated wake-ups, and he can fix on a sound (which I can’t even hear in most cases) that can keep him awake for hours.

We often had to change hotel rooms because he was able to hear some distant humms – despite wearing earplugs, I can add.

He needs complete darkness and the right pillow combination, and he snores loudly.

A year after the meeting we decided to buy a house together, it was both clear to us that our relationship was different from what we had previously had with others.

We had the same ideas about life, we could laugh together for hours and he gave me a good feeling about myself. It was refreshing.

My husband had shared a house with his friend for a few years and while I was a few nights, it was a tendency to be once a week because he found it difficult to sleep when I was there, and I had to go early to notice my horse.

I suppose his search for the perfect sleeping conditions was not so obvious at the time, although I sometimes wondered whether both earplugs and a pillow on his head were needed.

It was when we bought our first house that the cracks in our sleep packages began to show.

There were many of my normal sleeping habits (such as breathing) that he found difficult and the fact that he often sounded like a freight train next to me, that none of us got a lot of sleep.

“Maybe you can stop snoring.” I snarled on him one evening when he repeatedly asked me to stop ‘faltering’ the comforter – I just rolled around.

“It is not a normal role, it is a crocodillendeath Roll,” he frowned at me before we both turned their back on each other.

In the coming months we told each other that we would get used to sharing a bed together.

I felt pressure from others to repair the entire sleep package – should you not share a bed with the person you love?

We first tried many different options, initially separate duvets, then even to remove the bed frame and put two mattresses on the floor so that we could sleep next to each other but not in the same bed.

I started to worry about waking him up, so my sleep became restless and his tolerance level for the shared space seemed to get worse.

We would both wake up exhausted in the morning due to lack of sleep, bickering about crazy things because we were so tired.

I felt upset that things were so good between us, so why couldn’t we conquer this one problem?

I suppose it would have helped at that time to know other happily married couples who slept apart, but even now it seems to be a taboo subject that is related to marriage arguments or unfaithfulness – two issues that could not be further away from the relationship that my husband and I have.

We have a very healthy marriage, we are close and connected, it is just the physical act of falling and staying – sleeping side by side that does not work.

I started to think about our sleep, how important it was for all areas of our health and well -being, and that the quality and quantity of your sleep makes such a huge difference for your day.

It can be so easy to be sucked up in what we think we should do, how we think we should live our lives, and so we both looked at changing our perspectives on this ‘issue’ and to accept that, although we loved each other and spend time together, we did not match when it came to sleep.

And so we decided to sleep in separate beds, in separate rooms.

Fourteen years and two children later I think we are a stronger couple for prioritizing our own sleeping needs.

We still spend time together in the evening, and we still have a cup of tea together in bed in the morning, but we are both refreshed and ready to be the best version of ourselves.

Of course there are times when we are forced together at night, last summer we bought a camper and spent a few weeks in Italy – and campervanbeds are small!

It was a patience lesson for both of us, separate sleeping bags completely, but vacation time is different from the demands of daily life – the fatigue of work and parenting seems to be less common.

If people ask me or sleep in separate beds a difference for our relationship, I say yes, but in a good way.

I still don’t know for sure why this kind of nocturnal setup is seen as a bad thing.

I think the worst thing you can do is to continue with a situation that clearly doesn’t work, and the bedroom is perhaps the worst place for a battlefield.

Marriage is forever a work in progress, you have to grow and develop like a few, but I also think that a healthy marriage also means that you also appreciate your own space and needs, for us we need a good sleep to be a better couple.

Sophie Paluch is a writer and podcaster. Her podcast Food, love and other things That issue is now out.