I slept with 20 married men to find out why my husband cheated and now I know
WHEN I saw the pictures of TV presenter Laura Hamilton, 42, enjoying a steamy kiss with her married husband, I felt a rush of adrenaline.
I didn’t even think about James Pettigrew’s estranged wife, who was reportedly “overwhelmed” by the union. Instead, I imagined her enjoying the heady excitement of sex with a man on the verge of divorce.
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I am a woman who has slept with over 20 married men and I feel the pent up passion that men in boring relationships feel.
Extramarital sex is exciting and to maintain that feeling I always have at least one married lover with me at a time.
At 56, I didn’t expect my love life to turn out the way it did, but it has blossomed into something very satisfying.
In my early twenties I played in the field, but at 27 I met my husband Patrick, who I had met at work, and I fell in love with him.
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We got married when I was 29 and by the time I was 32 we had our two children – now 26 and 24.
I thought we had a strong marriage and I was completely surprised when Patrick confessed 12 years later that he had had a six-week affair with a coworker.
It ended when he could no longer bear the guilt and confessed what he had done.
He promised me that he didn’t love her, but that he was still in love with me.
We still had a good sex life and made love at least once a week.
The betrayal made me sick. The thought of them together made me sick, but I tortured myself by asking him endless questions.
He could never quite explain why he did what he did.
My first reaction was to end the marriage, but after long conversations we decided to stay together.
I think the fact that he confessed made it easier to trust him again and he was very willing to go to therapy.
But even though we were seemingly ‘normal’ again after half a year, I certainly couldn’t forget it.
One night, fueled by a few glasses of wine, I signed up for an extramarital website. I wanted to talk to other men and understand why they cheated.
That would make it clear what was going on in Patrick’s head.
Is his claim that men who have sex with other women but still love their wives true?
Looking back, a small part of me was seeking revenge and that’s exactly what happened.
Four Red Flags That Your Partner Is Cheating
Private Investigator Aaron Bond of BondRees Reveals Four Warning Signs Your Partner Is Cheating
They start taking their phones everywhere
In close relationships, it is normal for people to know each other’s passwords and use each other’s phones. If their phone behavior changes, they may be hiding something.
Aaron says: “If your partner starts changing their passwords, taking their phone everywhere, even into the house, or acts defensively when you ask to use their phone, it could be a sign that they are not being faithful to you.”
“You also have to look at how they put their phone down when they’re not using it. If they put the phone face down, then they could be hiding something.”
They start telling you less about their day
When partners cheat, they may start to avoid you. This may be because they feel guilty or because it makes it easier for them to lie to you.
“If you feel like your partner suddenly starts avoiding you and doesn’t want to do things with you anymore, or doesn’t tell you about his or her day anymore, that’s another warning sign.”
“Partners often avoid each other or share less about their day because cheating can be difficult. It’s impossible to remember all your lies and it’s easy to get caught,” says Aaron.
Their libido changes
According to Aaron, your partner’s libido can change for a number of reasons, so it’s not necessarily a sign of cheating, but it can be a warning sign.
Aaron says, “Cheaters often have less sex at home because they’re cheating, but sometimes they have more sex at home because they feel guilty and use this increase in sex to hide their cheating. You’ll also find that your partner will introduce new things into your sex life that weren’t there before.”
They become negative towards you
Cheaters know that cheating is wrong and that it makes them feel good, but it can create tension and fear in them that they then have to justify.
“To release the tension they feel inside, they try to convince themselves that you are the problem and they become critical of you out of nowhere. Maybe you didn’t walk the dog that day, didn’t do the dishes, or read your kids a bedtime story. A small issue like this can now feel like a big one, and if you experience this, your partner may be cheating,” Aaron warns.
I got talking to a man named Simon, 49 years old, who had his own printing company.
After two weeks we met for drinks in a posh bar in central London. Not only did I feel an emotional connection, I also found him physically very attractive.
We talked and he explained that he cheated because he couldn’t get the sex he wanted at home. His wife wasn’t very adventurous and it was more comfort than sexual.
For Patrick and me, that reason didn’t apply. Our sex life was still great when he cheated, but soon that didn’t matter anymore.
At the end of the evening we kissed like teenagers and the following week, after I told Patrick I was going out with the girls, I had sex with Simon in a hotel.
I didn’t feel guilty – I felt elated… When I met a new lover, I felt powerful and I gradually began to realize that I enjoyed the revenge of turning the tables
Elisabeth
The biggest surprise? I didn’t feel guilty, but rather excited.
I continued seeing Simon for another three months, but then ended it. I was afraid I was getting too attached.
But I missed the excitement of a new man, I felt so desired and that excitement in my life was intoxicating.
And so I found a new lover – it is surprisingly easy on these websites, they are full of attractive, intelligent and wealthy men.
Within a few weeks I had moved on and was asking every man I met why he cheated.
The answers were much the same: his wife had become more of a housemate and they missed the feeling of being attractive, or he felt left out by the children.
A man I met said he did it “just because he can.”
A man took me to the theater and we enjoyed sex in a private box
Elisabeth
I think some really loved their wives, but it was never discovered.
A man took me to the theater and we enjoyed sex in a private box.
Another had had an affair for ten years and although he loved his ex-mistress, he had never considered leaving his wife for her. He wanted the best of both worlds.
When I met a new lover, I felt powerful and I slowly began to realize that I enjoyed the revenge I had taken by turning the tables.
I’m not proud of that.
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Although I had no intention of telling Patrick, our marriage suffered.
I admit that I have put my energy into the children, my work and my loved ones, in that order.
There was little left of him and he became less and less attractive to me. Being with him felt boring and mundane.
He had no idea that he was competing with the excitement of new lovers, and that made me feel guilty.
After two years and five lovers I ended our marriage. I never told him the real reason. To my shame I told him that I couldn’t handle his infidelity.
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Although he set us on the path to destruction, I must admit that I contributed much more.
At first glance I choose these men because it’s about excitement and passion, but deep down it’s also a form of self-defense.
Patrick hurt me so much with his deceit that I never wanted to feel that vulnerable again.
I don’t mind because I don’t want these men to leave their wives.
It wasn’t until after my divorce that I first got an answer to the question of why Patrick cheated on me, but it didn’t comfort me.
He said it’s normal to feel a connection with someone you come into contact with at work.
I never fell in love with my married men – I know that men rarely leave their wives
Elisabeth
Suddenly you still have the same goals and ambitions. It all becomes too much and you can easily confuse it with more.
And then when it’s over, you come back down to earth and see that it wasn’t ‘real’. That leads to a confession.
I have never fallen in love with my married men – I know that men rarely leave their wives.
I don’t want a homely atmosphere either, I like to live alone and I like to relax after work or chill out in the weekend.
I don’t feel lonely either. I have a very active social life and see my children and other family members regularly.
Married men appreciate my desire to be independent and are grateful and attentive lovers because they appreciate me.
On average, a relationship lasts six months. I’ve been with one of them for five years, but because of the distance, we only see each other once every few months.
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We go out for dinner and then make love.
I’ve discovered that I enjoy adventurous sex, experimenting in parks, and very light BDSM.
I am now on my 20th married man and my current lover is Chris. He works in the financial sector and has been married for 30 years.
In the four months we’ve been together, he’s never mentioned his wife. Before we met, he made it clear he didn’t want to talk about it, and I’m fine with that.
Sometimes I feel guilty towards my women. I know how broken I felt when Patrick confessed his affair.
But men will always find a reason and a way to cheat if they are inclined to do so.
If it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else. In my defense, I’m not interested in destroying marriages.
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