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Actually, I never really paid much attention to my chin, eyebrows and forehead.
As far as I was concerned, I was no Bruce Forsyth (RIP), no Denis Healey (nor the 1970s Chancellor of the Exchequer) and no Ant McPartlin, so life was fine.
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And then a leading plastic surgeon “digitally mapped” my face, comparing it to the ten most beautiful women in the world. And my previously heavenly facial dreams were shattered.
In terms of the Golden Ratio (the mathematical formula used to judge beauty), I score a measly 78 percent for my eyebrows, 80 percent for my forehead, and 83 percent for my chin.
Queen’s Gambit star Anya Taylor-Joy averaged over 94 percent, for reference.
So, to my nose at least, I’m 16 percent less tasty than Anya Taylor-Joy. Still, nothing a mini facelift can’t change.
But elsewhere I was overjoyed to find out that I had done quite well: an average of 86.26 percent.
Okay, so I may not be 2024’s answer to Nefertiti, but according to leading facial plastic surgeon Dr. Julian De Silva (who may soon be treating my chin, brows, and forehead with his tiny scalpel), I’m officially not a munter.
My Golden Ratio score is only one percent below that of the Princess of Wales (the living) and Kate Moss.
Ah, but which Kate? Waify, Vogue cover star and supermodel circa 2004, or as she looks now?
“That last one,” I hear someone say.
Oh. Still, Dr. Julian’s comments on my (flattering) photo by name are heartwarming.
“Clemmie has an exceptionally beautiful face and her score of 86.26 percent is comparable to the most beautiful women in the world,” he says, clearly keen to promote his Harley Street Centre for Advanced Cosmetic and Plastic Surgery.
“The Princess of Wales, with a score of 87.45 percent, was only just over one percent above her.
“Why is Clemmie so beautiful?” (Keep talking, Dr. Julian, keep talking). “She scores very high for the gap between her nose base and lips, which gives her face symmetry.
“She has a beautifully shaped nose (thank you, all my own) and this is reflected in her score of 92 percent for the width and length of her nose.
“Her eye position is excellent with a score of 92 percent. Clemmie’s scores in all categories were well above average and she would have made my list of the top 50 women, alongside the 2024 overall winner Anya Taylor-Joy, if her eyebrow and forehead scores had been higher.”
Ugh, that annoying forehead again. Still, I’m pretty happy with these results and I hope the next time I’m strolling through a bar on a Friday night, someone comes up to me with a ruler to measure my pleasantly symmetrical face.
Ah, but here’s the problem. While undoubtedly striking and beautiful, is Anya really the most beautiful woman in the world?
Length of the nasolabial base
Is she two percent prettier than, say, Beyonce? Or hotter than Margot Robbie, who I would like to look like with my bare hands just to kill her?
(To clarify: I wouldn’t kill Margot Robbie to look like Margot Robbie, but maybe a small rodent or a grass snake.)
Because let’s face it: while we can all agree that these women are insanely beautiful, attractiveness goes much further than just the epidermis.
Charisma — or rizz, as Gen Z calls it — is in my (92 percent) eyes much, much more important. As are humor, kindness, and intelligence.
All this makes someone sexy.
For me, the length of the nose-lip base is not enough, but the overall picture (personality, self-confidence and appearance) is.
And no ruler or digital software can measure that.
However, plastic surgeons are increasingly using the Golden Ratio formula when inspecting the faces of potential patients.
A visually balanced face is apparently about 1.618 times longer than it is wide. So 1.618 is the magic number.
Similarly, the distance from the top of the nose to the center of the lips should be approximately 1.618 times the distance from the center of the lips to the chin, while the hairline to the upper eyelid is classically 1.618 times the length from the top of the upper eyebrow to the lower eyelid.
I think they are hot
And so forth.
But again, what does all this actually mean?
I can look at a model’s photoshoot and think she looks amazing, but when I see them in real life I can suddenly become completely cold.
My first crushes were Jason Donovan, who had a mullet at the time, and Gary Lineker, who, by his own admission, has ears like breasts.
Neither of them would have achieved a perfect 100 percent on the Golden Ratio, but to my young, untrained eye they were true Adonises.
If I could look like any woman in the world today, it would probably be Emma Stone. She’s not in the top 10, but she has an insanely sexy voice and she has immense charisma.
But back to me.
Now that I’ve established that it’s all bullshit, I’m still tempted to add 86.26 percent to my resume, my Instagram and X names, LinkedIn and send it to those nice guys at Wikipedia to see if they’ll update my page.
If that doesn’t work, I’ll introduce myself, with a good dose of courage, as “beautiful Clemmie, eight percent uglier than Bella Hadid”.
THE BEST BEAUTIES IN THE WORLD… SAYS RATIO
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