I thought my husband was having an affair – the truth was sickening
OPENING her husband’s laptop, Helen* felt physically sick as she looked through his internet browsing history.
After he’d lost interest in their sex life, Helen had become convinced John* was having an affair, but her decision to snoop on his laptop to look for evidence of infidelity would reveal a different reality.
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“I realised he’d been visiting porn websites that streamed hardcore, violent material,” says Helen.
“I’d thought I was going to find emails between him and a mistress, or a booking for a romantic meal I wasn’t invited to. Instead, I discovered that my husband was a porn addict.
“I felt ill with shock and disgust. It was rough sex he’d been watching, and the girls were quite young – some only looked like they were in their late teens.”
It wasn’t just what he was watching that horrified Helen, it was how much.
“He’d log on before he’d had breakfast, while I was getting the kids ready for school,” she says. “He’d been on so many sites when he was meant to be working, too. It was clear it had taken over his life.”
John is one of a soaring number of middle-aged men in the grip of a porn addiction, and Helen is now part of a community of women who’ve been left devastated by their partner’s behaviour.
Often seen as an issue affecting younger men, increasingly it’s males old enough to be husbands and fathers, even grandfathers, who are secretly logging on to porn sites.
Recent statistics reveal the number of people addicted to porn in the UK has trebled since the start of the pandemic.
Figures released by the UK Addiction Treatment Group (UKAT) show 60,000 people in Britain visited its online porn addiction support site in 2021, compared to 10,500 people in 2020.
But it’s middle-aged men, in particular, who seem to be turning to porn more.
At UKAT’s London outpost they get two new patients a week, all aged 50 and above. And experts there fear it’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Some of the London clinic’s patients have been spending half their waking hours surfing the internet for sex.
And in a study by Ofcom, of the 13.8 million who watch porn online, a fifth do so during the working day, with each visit averaging 55 minutes.
Even more shocking, Paracelsus Recovery, which runs clinics in London and Zurich, estimates that half of men suffer from “problematic” levels of porn use.
The clinic claims to have seen a 150% rise in patients from 2019 to 2023.
In recent years, we’ve seen cases of porn addiction linked to violent crime against women, like in the widely reported case of Grace Millane murder in 2018.
But what’s behind this explosion in porn consumption by middle-aged men?
Alex Warden, lead therapist for addiction treatment at the Priory Group, says an increase in the number of people working from home is a factor, as well as social media.
“Working from home means people have more opportunity to act on addictive behaviours. Boredom and no social interaction creates opportunities for addiction to thrive, whether it’s to shopping, pornography, social media or alcohol.
“Pornography is so easily accessed on devices, plus there is a reported rise in demand for retro porn from the ‘70s and ’80s, which could be taking older men back to their teenage years, offering an escapist element,” adds Alex.
“Sometimes, it’s just loneliness that drives it. The most popular day of the week to watch pornography is a Monday. People connect at weekends, then feel lonely on a Monday, so they log on.”
Sufferers are said to become addicted to the dopamine hit they get when viewing X-rated images. Because dopamine highs reduce over time, addicts then have to spend more time on adult sites.
‘Half of men suffer from problematic levels of porn use’
Helen, now 42, and John, 44, met in 2004 and married several years later, going on to have a son and a daughter, aged 13 and 10.
She describes their marriage before her discovery as “genuinely happy and solid”. After losing his job in the first lockdown in 2020, John got a new role, working mainly from home.
“I was a keyworker, so I was out working, and when I noticed his mood was low, I thought he was missing the office and his colleagues,” Helen says.
“Then, he stopped initiating sex, and if I tried, he’d say he was tired or not feeling well. Before then, sex had been good – nothing too adventurous, but we’d always been close and enjoyed sex at least twice a week.
“At first, I thought it was a phase, but by June 2021, our marriage had become unhappy. John never wanted to go out socially with me, sex was non-existent and he was very distant. I tried to talk to him, but he said he was struggling at work, and I believed him.
“He’d avoid spending time alone with me by going out for drinks in the evening with friends, and I began to suspect he was having an affair,” says Helen.
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“I was determined to find evidence to confirm my suspicions. I know it was wrong, but I started checking his phone and laptop.
“What I found was such a shock. There were dozens of porn sites in his search history. I could see he’d been looking at them when he was meant to be working, as well as at home after I’d gone to bed. I realised the more he’d been sucked into this world, the more it had created distance between us.”
Helen decided to visit the sites listed to confront exactly what he’d been viewing.
“It was violent and sickening. The women were young with perfect bodies that almost didn’t look real. I was angry he’d be turned on by this and thought: ‘No wonder he doesn’t fancy me any more.’
“The sex was violent and rough – nothing like we’d done in the past. I felt inadequate, like I wasn’t enough for him.”
What I found was such a shock. There were dozens of porn sites in his search history. I could see he’d been looking at them when he was meant to be working, as well as at home after I’d gone to bed
Helen
Helen knew she had to confront John, and when she did, he broke down and said he had an addiction. He told her how it had become habitual to log on, that he was ashamed, but just didn’t know how to stop.
“John insisted he still loved me and would never cheat,” she says. “But in some ways, this was even worse for me. I felt I didn’t know who he was any more.”
‘He said he wanted to stop, but couldn’t, and wanted to get help’
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Is watching porn considered cheating?
Sex and relationship therapist Natasha Silverman, who works for Relate, says that when partners uncover porn use, it often feels like a betrayal.
“It can feel devastating. It can feel like a person you know and trust intimately has really changed, and that can be distressing and bring about a lot of shame,” she says.
“Women often report feeling like they’re not enough for their partners, sexually or physically.
“For some, finding out their partner watches porn can have a huge knock on their self-esteem, self-worth and ability to trust.”
Anti-pornography campaigner Dr Gail Dines, CEO of Culture Reframed, says porn is not just harmful to women’s relationships and wellbeing.
“Men who watch porn are more likely to sexually harass, rape or take part in violent sex,” she says.
“The more they watch, the more desensitised they become. This means they seek more porn, more violence and want more bizarre acts. They use these porn scripts when they’re having sex.
“It impacts how they perform in relationships, not just sexually, but in general. There is no intimacy – they see women as disposable sex objects.”
Over recent years, shocking cases have hit the headlines, where porn use has been linked to horrifying crimes against women.
In December 2018, British backpacker Grace Millane was killed by prolific porn user Jesse Kempson, then 27, on the eve of her 22nd birthday.
The more they watch, the more desensitised they become. This means they seek more porn, more violence and want more bizarre acts. They use these porn scripts when they’re having sex
Dr Gail Dines
He even searched online for extreme porn hours after strangling her in a New Zealand hotel room. He was found guilty of murder and sentenced to life in prison.
That year, Ryan Thornton, then 20, who in court was said to be “addicted to dark and twisted violent pornography”, stabbed his flatmate Stela Domador-Kuzma, 34, to death after a “prolonged struggle”.
The court heard Thornton watched violent porn on his computer the night before the attack in July 2018. He received a life sentence.
In 2020, an all-party parliamentary group was set up to identify the various problems caused by pornography, and to establish what legal framework might be needed to prevent them.
Dame Diana Johnson MP is co-chair and says the law must change.
“Among many disturbing findings, we found widespread abuse of women in the production of pornography, as well as endemic violence against women depicted in mainstream pornography,” she says.
“We also found evidence of it fuelling sexual violence, dehumanising and objectifying women.”
Margaret*, 40, divorced her 45-year-old husband James* less than one year after tying the knot, after finding out he was addicted to porn.
She discovered her husband’s secret in May 2023, when she found some unusual payments coming out of their joint bank account.
She’d already noticed a change in his behaviour, with him becoming increasingly withdrawn, less intimate with her and not wanting to go out with his friends.
“He’d often say he had to work late and disappear into his home office,” Margaret says. “I thought he was busy and stressed about work, and it best to leave him to it. But then I saw the subscription payments. He usually does our banking, so I hadn’t noticed them sooner.
“When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they were for porn sites. I think he’d been wanting to confess. He explained he’d started watching for fun, but it had got out of hand. He said he wanted to stop, but couldn’t, and he wanted to get help.
‘Social isolation is a huge driver of addiction’
“My self-esteem was shattered. I hated myself, thinking I hadn’t been enough for him, and I felt I’d driven him to do it. Perhaps I wasn’t good enough in bed or I wasn’t sexy enough for him.”
Margaret refused James’ pleas to have counselling and ended the marriage, only confiding in close friends, because of the shame she felt.
“There had been too much lying and secrecy. He wasn’t who I thought he was.
“Afterwards, I had CBT to help me accept I was in no way to blame, and we divorced. I’m trying to move on with my life, but it’s hard after such a betrayal.”
Alex Warden has some advice for those in midlife who are fearful of themselves or a partner becoming reliant on pornography.
He says: “I’d really encourage people in their middle age if you notice your life is changing, with more time at home alone and less social contact, to seek out new hobbies or activities, or actively create opportunities for social interaction.
“It can be a difficult step, and isn’t always easy to embrace midlife changes, but we know that social isolation is a huge driver of addiction.”
While porn addiction can destroy relationships, Natasha Silverman says some can get back on track with help.
“Relationship therapy, individually or as a couple, can be extremely useful. Conversations about what this means are important to give space for a devastated partner or couple to grieve, work through the shame and talk about what they’d like from their sex life.
“Women should remember that just because your partner desires something sexually, it doesn’t mean you have to give it to them,” adds Natasha.
Helen and John have chosen to have couples’ therapy and hope to save their marriage.
“It’s early days,” Helen says. “But in the end, I decided I couldn’t throw away 15 years of marriage. We have two children who know nothing about this – nobody does.
“Therapy is helping me understand that, in spite of what John did, he loves me. Intimacy has been difficult, but I hope one day we’ll get our lives back on track, in the bedroom and out of it.”
- *Names have been changed
- Visit Relate.org.uk, Culturereframed.org
