I’m 30 and I’ve never had an orgasm – it leaves me feeling broken and drives my husband crazy

A 30-year-old woman has confessed that she has never had an orgasm.

The woman explained that this makes her feel broken, uncomfortable and dirty in her sex life.

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That’s why she reached out to the Mamaia Sealed Section Podcast for advice.

Psychosexologist Chantelle Otten, who is passionate about helping people find their pleasure, gave her advice to the frustrated woman and explained that communication is key.

On a recent episode of the podcast, Chantelle read out the anonymous question, which read: ‘I’m 30, I’ve never had an orgasm and I don’t really try, but I feel like I’m broken or not doing it right. Is that bad? Should I keep trying?’

The woman continued: ‘It also makes my partner angry that I can’t or don’t like trying. For example, I hate oral sex and find it very uncomfortable and gross.’

Chantelle suggested that it would be helpful for the woman to talk to her partner about the situation.

Chantelle advised: “First of all, I want to say that you need to talk to your partner about his or her reactions.

“I think it would be wise if your partner showed a little more empathy and encouraged you instead of criticizing you.

“I don’t think these are healthy responses. I think it will wear you down and make you feel worse.

“Plus, it’s not going to help you get to the orgasmic state you’re looking for. And if you’re constantly worried that they’re going to be mad at you, I just don’t find that motivating.

“I really believe that sex therapy can be helpful for someone like you.”

Chantelle also suggested that for people who struggle to orgasm, it’s important to rethink what pleasure really means.

She continued, “As a sexologist, I would ask what you think orgasm means and what you think pleasure means, and understand what responses you can expect from your body when orgasm is achieved. Maybe then we can reframe pleasure a little bit more.

“I think we need to take away the pressure to reach orgasm so you get in the right zone.

“We also need to take away the pressure that others put on you. So tell your partner that you just want to have some fun and that you don’t want to pursue any goals.

“Some people just can’t have an orgasm and that’s perfectly normal. Striving for pleasure will make the experience a lot more enjoyable.”

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In addition, the sex professional explained that it is also important to remove any worries or expectations. She added: “After we have removed all the pressure from yourself and your partner, we also need to remove any worries, stress, fears, frustrations or expectations that you may have.

“Think about what physiological factors might be influencing your motivation to try to have an orgasm, and your orgasmic state. Do you suffer from performance anxiety? Let’s take the pressure off of that.

“Are you under a lot of stress? Stress and sex don’t go well together.

“A lot of people who come to me not only experience a lot of stress around their sexuality, but also a lot of stress in their daily lives. And when we have high levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, it decreases our libido and our ability to relax in the bedroom.

Step away from this goal of orgasm. Pleasure is the goal from now on

Chantelle Otten

“We really have to be present and relaxed in order to experience pleasure or orgasm.”

Chantelle also claimed that working through past traumas or problems in a current relationship can improve the situation.

She advised: “Then, are there any issues in your relationship that might be affecting your sexual activity? This is something to think about.

“Do you have any past sexual traumas? Are there circumstances that make you feel uncomfortable around sexuality or exploring your own sexuality in general?

“Do you need guidance to know what to do? Or do you have no experience with sex? Because that’s okay to admit too. None of us knew anything when we first had sex, we had to learn as we went along in our erotic lives.

“Anorgasmia, which means you can’t have an orgasm, can also be affected by physical factors, such as medications, diabetes, drug and alcohol use, chronic pain, certain disabilities. There can also be hormonal changes that affect you.”

To move forward, Chantelle advised, “Take a step back from this goal of orgasm. Pleasure is the goal from now on.

“If you can take away the pressure of trying to have an orgasm and just focus on having fun, that will help you tremendously with the pressure, because yes, having an orgasm is amazing, but it takes time for everyone to get comfortable with their own body, and for your partner to get comfortable with your body.

“I suggest that you take some time to think about the questions I have asked here.

“I definitely think talking to your partner is the first step.”