I’m an ER doctor and sex among shift staff is rife – never marry anyone
A 42-year-old female doctor, who has been working in hospitals for 19 years, has revealed to Fabulous that the sterile corridors and toilets for medical staff at the local hospital are often full of kinky sex, drugs and a rock ‘n’ roll -lifestyle.
Here she explains A&E’s dirty secrets…
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There’s a reason I chose not to marry a doctor. I know exactly how they behave, especially the male ones.
I learned the hard way, I was engaged to one and he left me for a nurse.
Male doctors tend to sleep with nurses and the cliché is that male consultants sleep with their secretaries.
The majority are working on it.
I learned to knock on the toilet door – used by doctors working night shifts, before going in to lie down, for fear of a couple having sex there. I was raided once – never again!
The work we do is very hard and stressful. You face death and illness every day, so the counterpoint is to party and have fun and make sure you get the best out of life when you can.
Before I got married, I remember attending team meetings and sleeping with every male doctor in the room.
It is common to see people with foreign objects inside them.
Secret doctor
We were all switching and changing partners all the time, but not together, as I saw. It didn’t get awkward because we all knew the score.
And marriage doesn’t stop many of them from indulging. It’s easy to cheat because you often have to work overtime or odd shifts so partners can’t track your movements.
We have wild parties when everything is possible. I often slept with doctors in the back of my car.
I remember going out one summer evening into the garden of the house where the party was.
I didn’t know we did it on an anthill – I went back inside covered in bites from both the ants and mosquitoes, looking in complete disarray, but everyone just thought it was hilarious.
And of course after the parties come the hangovers, but we are well equipped for that.
We often give ourselves medicines, especially in departments A and E, because it is difficult to trace the medicines there. So we can take what we need, especially painkillers and medicines for diseases.
There was one time a group of us were partying all night.
We went back to a doctor’s house and realized it was 5am and our shift started at 8am.
Luckily someone had an IV in the back of the car.
It was very cold outside so they were half frozen, but we popped them in the microwave and then set each other up.
Two hours later I woke up, bleeding from the bag. I got up, brushed myself off and went to work.
A male patient had an erection while I was inserting a catheter – which was difficult because his wife was sitting just on the other side of the curtain.
Secret doctor
And I was fine with doing it – although I suspect the patients wouldn’t have been so impressed if they knew.
On another occasion I found myself vomiting constantly with a terrible hangover, but one of my friends soon resolved this with anti-sickness pills.
The best sex positions
The most searched for sex positions…
It’s a rare doctor who hasn’t raided the medicine cabinet and quite a few are addicted to prescription drugs.
Although it is a tough job, there are some very funny moments – and we gossip about it, without naming names, we need the light relief.
There was a woman who regularly came into A and E with something stuck inside her.
We often made bets on what would be next, from hairbrushes to shampoo bottles.
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It is common to see people with foreign objects inside them.
One man came in with a vibrator in his buttocks – it was one that played a little tune while the battery died.
It wasn’t an emergency, so the poor guy sat there beeping every few minutes and tried to pretend he didn’t know where it was coming from.
A lot of people will lie to us about what happened.
I always found it funny to pretend to believe them and ask for more and more information and details.
I wish patients wouldn’t lie, it makes treating you so much more difficult. I have some honest patients.
Someone admitted that she had palpitations but wanted to use cocaine at a wedding.
So I arranged an ECG for her to make sure it was working properly. I was then able to call her and tell her that nothing was wrong and that she could move on – although I warned her not to take too much.
The thing to remember is that we are only human and we behave badly, recreational drugs are rife in the profession, the only difference is that we have a medical degree.
One of my worst jobs is inserting catheters. It is a very difficult procedure.
One time a male patient got overexcited when I did it and got an erection – which was difficult because his wife was just on the other side of the curtain.
I’m sure some doctors have relationships with patients, even though I’ve never heard of it – it would get you crossed out.
It’s never appealed to me in the slightest – you know way too much about people.
But a surprising number of patients try it with us.
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The least appealing was when I treated someone for an STD.
He sat there in front of me, with his girlfriend in the waiting room, and admitted he was a cheater.
I was busy telling him he had chlamydia and seconds later he asked me out. How he imagined I would accept it, I’ll never know!
While I would never have relationships with patients, we do have favorite patients that we could spend more time with and pay special attention to.
But please don’t be rude to us.
Even though I said that, I realize that most people are only obnoxious when they are scared and vulnerable, and the bottom line is that we are here to take care of you.
So while it may be tempting to ‘lose the vein’ and stick you with the needle multiple times to get your blood test done, we would never do that.
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