I’m an expert on parenting: how to deal with messy rooms and obsessive gaming in teenagers

Is your teen addicted to his/her phone or computer games? Is his/her bedroom always a mess?

It can be frustrating, but the teenage years don’t have to be full of nagging, says parenting expert Anita Cleare.

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Her book, How To Get Your Teenagers Out Of Their Bedroom, offers a blueprint for encouraging reserved youngsters to engage with the family.

Anita explains that teenagers’ brains don’t fully develop until they’re around 25 and they respond more to impulses than to thoughts.

She says: “The emotional centre of the teenage brain is running at full speed, while the thinking part is still effectively connected via 3G.”

Natasha Harding shares an edited excerpt of some of her advice from the book here.

• How To Get Your Teenagers Out Of Their Bedroom by Anita Cleare (Watkins Publishing, £14.99) is published tomorrow.

THE MESSY BEDROOM

MESSY bedrooms are one of the most common complaints I hear from parents. But what if we looked at that messy room through a different lens?

Not as a sign of all the things our teenager hasn’t done (hanging up his clothes, taking the dishes downstairs, etc.), but as a sign of how much is going on in his life and in his head.

Those cosmetics (without lids) lying in front of the mirror? Could they reveal how hard your teen is trying to navigate a path between social expectations and self-confidence?

Those carpet fires of abandonment her hair straighteners?

Could these examples show how hectic the daily struggle must be to be camera ready?

The barbells are collecting dust next to an empty tube of acne cream? How hard must it be to prioritize when everything is important?

Take a fresh look. What would you see if you looked at your teen’s messy room with new eyes?

SPEND TIME WITH YOURSELF

PLAN together for family time. Give them choices about what you are going to do instead of forcing them.

Give them plenty of time to think about it in advance.

Don’t trivialize their objections, especially if they relate to things they want to do with their friends. Fear of missing out (FOMO) is a major threat to teens.

Make concessions. Make concessions where necessary and give many options.

Little moments matter. Make the most of those short moments with your teen (like when you’re driving together).

If it doesn’t work, try again tomorrow. Be patient, accept their moods and remember that timing is key.

Take them out to eat. Food is often a great bait and a good way to get them out of the house and away from the stress at home.

Get a dog. Walking your dog can be a great way to spend time together.

LOW SELF-ESTEEM

IF adults want to protect teens from the negative impact of phones, friends, and social media, one of the most important things we can do is support their self-esteem. And we probably won’t do that by telling them they’re doing life wrong.

Research has shown that to have a good relationship, you need five positive interactions for every negative interaction.

A positive interaction can consist of a smile, a gesture, a hug, a comment, a kind word.

Do a quick audit. Think about today, or yesterday, or this week.

How many positive interactions can you remember? How many negative ones?

What was the ratio? What could you have done to tip the balance more towards the positive?

CHANGE THE GAMING

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GAMING targets the pumped-up, reward-driven parts of the teenage brain.

When we have a pleasurable technological experience, dopamine is released, a reward chemical that makes us want to repeat the experience.

Make an appointment to talk to your teen and start by asking his or her opinion, rather than immediately complaining or coming up with a solution.

Don’t respond to any missiles they throw into the conversation. The goal here is to work with them to agree on a slightly better daily routine.

Leverage your teen’s goals. If they hope to go to college, try to find a small change they can incorporate into their routine to bring them one step closer to that goal.

Invite them to come up with ideas. Talk to them about when they can study best. What works for them?

What are the regular times in their day? Is there a specific time when it is most important for them to game (because that is when most of their friends are online)?

Discuss how many hours of gaming is reasonable in a school day.

They may need some practical support (like a whiteboard in their room or a new alarm clock) to help them keep track of everything.

REDUCING PHONE TIME

TEENAGERS are very aware of social hierarchies (who’s popular, who’s not, who’s friends with whom) and they are constantly aware of where they fall in that hierarchy.

The speed of the digital world means that their online circle of friends requires constant attention.

To stay informed, they must log in as often as possible, otherwise the social bubble will continue without them.

Aim for balance. If taking their phone with them means your teen is spending time with you or doing some healthy physical activity, that’s still a win.

Be a good role model for your kids. If you’re scrolling through social media late at night at bedtime, why shouldn’t they?

Designate tech-free spaces. Healthy family life requires a few designated tech-free spaces and times each day.

Keep distance between people and phones.

When you’re at home, put your phone in another room so you don’t have to look at it all the time.

BE THEIR SAFE PERSON

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NB: When your teen expresses an emotion or tells you about a problem, stop, listen, and pay your full attention.

Listen calmly to what they say and how they say it.

TO SUMMARIZE: Don’t judge what your teen says. If they tell you they hate their body, don’t tell them their body is great or that looks don’t matter. Just accept how they feel.

When there is a pause, summarize what you heard and name the emotion you think they are experiencing. This shows that you are listening. If you are wrong, they will correct you.

KEEP CALM: Control your reaction. Breathe – this helps you stay calm and signals to your teen that you are not going to get angry. Teens need to know that we can handle anything they throw at us.

DISCOVER CAREFULLY: Give them space in difficult conversations. Allow silences. If the chat gets stuck, give them back what you heard.

SOLVING PROBLEMS TOGETHER: Don’t offer solutions. Ask what they want to happen and how you can support them. Avoid the words “should” and “shouldn’t” (they are judgmental).

Agree next steps (even if it’s just to get your teen thinking about something) and agree to talk about it again.

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