Dear Vanessa,
I am the most important caregiver for my mother, who is in the late 80s and still lives in her own house. Mama wants to stay in her house, and my brothers and sisters also get up here because they want it to remain an asset to inherit when time comes. I spend most of my time running medical agreements, organizing her medicines and dealing with her accounts.
My brothers and sisters live Interstate and do not contribute to her daily care, but they now ask for access to Mama's bank accounts. They want to check what I spent because they are worried about how much is left for inheritance. It is disturbing because I have done everything to ensure that the needs of Mama are met, often immerse in my own pocket for groceries or other things she needs.
I am also juggling with a job that I love as a manager, which gives me a sense of goal and independence. But between work, taking care of mum and taking care of my own family, I am thinly stretched. My husband suggested that I would cancel my job to make things easier, but that would leave me without income and have the feeling that I sacrificed everything for this situation.
I start to feel bitter and resentment towards my brothers and sisters, who look more focused on inheritance than the well -being of mom or the toll that it takes to me. I know that Mama doesn't want to go into healthcare, but I burned out.
How can I balance all this without breaking down?
Honestly,
Heath.
Leading money trainer Vanessa Stoykov (above)
Dear Heather,
First let me tell how incredible you are for taking on the role of caregiver. What you do for your mother is a huge act of love, but it is clear that the pressure takes its toll. It is not surprising that you feel resentment – you carry the weight of care while your brothers and sisters focus on future legacy. This imbalance must be tackled, for you and that of your mother.
Start with an honest, documented conversation with your brothers and sisters. Set a family meeting (even almost) and explain everything you do. Put on the costs that you cover – both financially and emotionally – and ask for specific contributions, whether it is financial support, organizing paid help or even to visit Mama to visit you to give you a break. Make it clear that her care is a shared responsibility.
If they are fixed on the bank accounts, then agree to transparency, but only if they also increase. You can propose a professional mediator or financial adviser to guarantee honesty and to discuss how your mother's finances are treated. Some financial advisers specialize in elderly care and financial planning of the family. You can use my free service to find one here
Look for your mother's care for services that can relieve the load. Organizations such as my elderly care can offer respite care, home help and other resources. These can enable you to concentrate on your family and work without feeling guilty. Don't forget to explore financial support options for Carer that exist to help people like you.
Stopping your work must be a final resort. Your independence is vital, not only financially, but for your mental health and self -esteem. Instead, look at flexible work schemes with your employer. Many workplaces are increasingly accommodating for caregivers.
Finally, consider looking for professional emotional support for yourself, either through a counselor or a support group for caregivers. Feeling bitter and resentment is normal, but sticking to those emotions can harm your well -being. You deserve to meet your own needs.
Remember that it is not selfish to set limits – it is essential for your health and your ability to stay there for your mother.
Warm greetings,
Vanessa.
