Dear Jana,
My ex and I broke up a few months ago, and now he has already moved in with someone who is new. He swore that he was not ready for a relationship, and yet he is here and he plays happy families while I still pick up the pieces. It is humiliating, but above all I just miss him.
Let me start by saying that this is a bad idea … I know that I have to remove his number, block him, go further, do all the things that my friends keep telling that I have to do. But I can't. Because the truth is that I am still in love with my ex.
When we were together, he always insisted on a trio. I never said yes; I wasn't sure if I wanted to share it. But now, out of nowhere, he sent me an SMS to say that his new girlfriend might be open to the idea.
And suddenly I consider it. Not because I want a wild sexual adventure, but because it might be my last chance to be with him. Another night, another moment when I can pretend that things have not changed.
I know it is probably self -destructive. I know it doesn't bring him back. But is there a way in which this ends well? Or do I just sign up for more heartbreak?
Honestly,
Struggle to let go.
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking gives advice to a woman who wants to sleep with her ex as the last time – even if it contains three with him and his new girlfriend
Best wrestling to let go,
Oh, yes. You have to go all the way.
You know if you really want to extend your heartache. I even stand on it! Go ahead. Especially if you like a chair in the front row to view your ex-boyfriend orgasm while you have sex with his hot new girlfriend.
Because I think you forget a very important detail: she will be there too. I very much doubt that she will be in the corner while you get one (unless she's in it …)
So no, you don't need me to tell you that this is a terrible, terrible, terribly bad idea. You already know that.
Fast forward to the next morning, and not only will you be filled with fear, but you will also spiral with thoughts such as: Has she performed better than me? Does he like her body? Is he completed with her faster?
And let's really be – what you really hope for is that this will cause a big Epiphany where he realizes that he has made a mistake, he is with the wrong woman, and he wants you back.
But spoiler alert: he doesn't.
Jana has a very bone advice for a woman who is considering a trio address with her ex
And because we are blunt, I'm just going to say it – he sounds like ad ***. And not the right kind. More such as the rancid aubergine-emoji species.
I am willing to bet he knows you still love him. Break-ups are never really mutual, right? He knows you are deeply sad. So why the hell does he ask you to participate in this masochistic mess?
Why would you want to do that to yourself?
Because love card is an actual disease. Our brains change in absolute mush when we are deeply sad. We do things that we would never do if we clearly think.
And while you feel fragile (I expect from which I expect persist You remember this trio.
If I knew one of your friends, I would call them and tell them that they have to be Barricade in your house.
At the moment you have to dig deep, find that inner strength (which I promise you have) and tell this man to bend.
It's a no against trio … at least not with him.
Go to the gym, get hot, get horny and when you're done – and if you are still curious about a three -way action – go look a few that you really deserve time.
A woman who is jealous of her best friend's open marriage asks Jana if she and her husband should do the same (stock image set by models)
Dear Jana,
I have never admitted this aloud – not even to my best friends – but I think I might be jealous of my best friend's open marriage.
She and her husband have been together for ten years and a while ago they decided to see other people. In the beginning I thought it was a disaster that was to happen. But instead of falling apart, they seem happier than ever.
She tells me about this passionate slope, the excitement of meeting someone new, the bustle of sneaking for a date in the middle of the week – and then how she comes home to her husband, and it makes their connection somehow even stronger.
She swears that it has done wonders for their marriage, and I can't help it, but wonder if it can do the same for mine.
My husband and I love each other, but we have settled in a comfortable, predictable rhythm where nothing is wrong, but nothing feels particularly exciting.
The idea of shaking things is tempting, but I have no idea how I can bring it up without making him think that I already have someone in mind.
Then, just as I became serious about the idea, my friend's husband slid something over a few too many drinks. It turns out that he only goes with the open marriage to keep her happy. If it were up to him, they would still be monogamous and they would not see other men.
That threw me. From the outside their marriage seems to be the ultimate modern love story, but now I can only wonder if she is the only one who really benefits from it.
So now I don't know what to think.
Do I still have to investigate the opening of things with my husband, or is this one of those situations in which it is better to appreciate what I have instead of hunting something that may not make us happier?
Anonymously.
Dear anonymous,
There is a lot to unpack here, so I immediately went to someone I know and trust their opinion. I asked my divorce lawyer friend or open marriages were the secret for lasting love.
His reaction? A hard no.
And this is a man who has seen it all when it comes to relationships that crash and burn (believe me, divorce has paid for a very beautiful house).
Open marriages sound nice, but in reality they often end up in a disaster. He says couples think that a small side action will brighten up things, but instead it usually opens the Pandora box.
Jealousy crawls in, power -in -minded creation (spoiler: one partner always does better on the dating apps) and before you know it, the experiment 'Freedom' turns into a divorce scheme.
“Say it that way,” he told me, “I don't see those who work, I only see those who end up in my office.” And based on his caseload, there are plenty.
Here is the brutal truth: most people do not open their marriage because they are happy; They do it because they are already halfway through the door.
So, are you halfway through the door – or are you just bored?
Because there is a huge difference between needing a new adventure with your husband and looking for an outside of your marriage. And if your friend's husband is just working to keep her happy, that should be a huge red flag.
Here is a reality check of me: sex with someone who is new is fun – but this way you will fall in love with your husband again. Maybe what you need is not a new lover, but together a new experience.
A flirty text or a wild weekend away can relieve the spark again. A session with a really good pairs therapist can also do wonders if you think you need it.
And don't forget, most open marriages have a shelf life. It works for a while – until feelings become messy, one person wants more, or someone realizes that they don't really want to share their partner.
And here is the scary part: as soon as you open the door, you may not be able to close it again. Even if you don't continue with it, is the fact that you even considered it? That plants a seed of doubt that is difficult to shake.
So before you even consider this, ask yourself: do I want a more exciting marriage or do I want an open? Because they are not the same.
Dear Jana,
I have been going out with this guy for six months, and he is great, except for one small problem: his mother is actually his other girlfriend.
She comes and cleans his entire house once a week, he calls her several times a day, and when I stayed for a weekend, she actually dropped off his 'favorite breakfast' at the door. And wE were in the middle of a little 'Morning Glory'. So wrong!
It starts to feel as if there are three people in this relationship, and I am not sure how to bring it up without looking like a monster. Staff!
Sasha.
Dear Sasha,
I hate to tell you this, but you have no relationship; You are in a creepy Ménage à Trois. His mother really has to withdraw.
Okay, that was a bit hard and maybe I was somewhat activated because hearing your story built up an earlier memory for me. I once went out with a man like this. Nice guy, great in many ways, but his mother had never heard the word 'boundaries'.
I remember that when he was injured in a football match, a few teeth lost and I had to look for him all night. I was a loving girlfriend, all that jazz, and you know, I thought I had proven my value.
No. At 2 am his mother fluctuated on the door in her slippers to give him his medication personally. It was clear that I should not be familiar with such an important task!
So, Sasha, I feel your pain. And look, having a good relationship with your mother is cute … right? But calling several times a day is giving 'co-dependence problems'.
You should never choose between enjoying your boyfriend and wondering if his mother lurkes outside with a tray with pancakes. That is a crime against orgasms.
So first I will tell you what not To do: do not go into all the weapons that are blazing about his 'mummy problems'. That is a one -way ticket for a defensive collapse.
Frame it instead as your need for space and independence in the relationship. Try something like:
'I think it's great that you are close to your mother, but I have to feel that we also have our own small world. I would like us to build our own routines without external interruptions – especially in the morning, if you catch my drift. '
If he gets it, great. If he brushes it away or tells you: “That's just how she's like,” you must not change that this does not change quickly.
And if that is the case, ask yourself: are you cool with dating both?
Because if she still makes his bed and plans his meals, you might also get her to make yours. I mean, there is always an advantage.
