Dear Jane,
My friend and I have been official for more than a month.
We are finally at the stage where we become more comfortable around each other in small ways. I wear training pants and no make -up around him, he no longer cleans his apartment every time I come by, and – the most important thing – we have discussed what we like in the bedroom.
However, his reaction to my sexual preferences made me furious.
I was the one who started the conversation when we were in bed last night. I asked him playful questions such as 'What is your sexual fantasy', 'What are you in' and 'What is your favorite position in bed?'
He told me that his dream roleplay is a 'doctor and nurse' dynamics, that he would like to experiment with handcuffs, and that his favorite position is the opposite cowgirl. Then he asked me the same questions. I told him that my favorite position is missionary and that is not really like my kind of things.
Dear Jane: Every time I tell a man what I like in bed, I get the same unbearable answer
But instead of being friendly, he rolled with his eyes and said, “Great, so you love vanilla sex … that's so boring.”
It is not the first time that a boy with whom I have been enjoyed the end of 'Vanilla Sex', or called me 'boring' because I didn't want to do crazy things in the bedroom. But I had expected better from my boyfriend.
I feel injured, but I also feel insecure that my friend is bored that I have sex with me, unless I start to put on costumes or let him tie me up!
What do you think I have to do? Do I have to try to become more experimental in the bedroom, even though the things that my boyfriend wants are far from my comfort zone?
Van, prudish
Best prudish,
It is so tiring to listen to everyone in today's world as 'non-vanilla'.
You wonder what's on OneArth They love and why everyone tries so hard to be crazy in bed.
But at the same time, freedom of sexual expression must be celebrated, because shame in that area is a debilitating thing to wear.
It is much better to be open with your partner about your turn-ons instead of looking outside the relationship to meet those drives. So at least I congratulate the couple of you with this conversation.
But I wonder what you expected when you started this bedroom chat and what you were planning to do with the information you would learn about the desires of your boyfriend.
You say the things he likes not sound Ike nice for you … what indicates that you have never tried them. The best sex often has an element of playfulness and experiments – it must, or it can get boring quickly.
Although you think you might not be called in by the same things as your boyfriend, you can't know if you try.
My advice is to start experimenting and see if there are things you can do together both Find pleasant. If you discover that there is no common basis here, then you have a bigger problem.
I urge you to be open and honest, and to have fun!
Dear Jane,
My wife continues to collapse randomly with the most tiny discomfort and I don't know why or what to do about it.
A few weeks ago she took the leadership about buying groceries and I forgot to pick up the milk – an honest mistake! Well, my wife didn't see it that way.
She struck completely and told me that I was useless, that I could never survive without her. I found her reaction hurtful, but I just calved that she was hormonally or stressed.
She gave me the silent treatment for a few days after the milk mess (of which I thought it was dramatic), but in the end she continued.
When last week, when I cleaned the dishes after dinner, she still had an epic collapse when she left them and noticed that one bowl had left the smallest mark. Again, she went crazy and accused me of being carefree and lazy.
The last drop was yesterday. I came home early from work and decided to do the laundry – I thought I was helpful. Well, I accidentally put one of her delicate dresses in the drying machine and apparently it is now ruined. She screamed and cried and stormed out of the house, and told me that I “ruined everything I touch.”
What makes me the most important to her recent episodes is that she punishes me for making small mistakes if I try to help her alone. I could be very easy like many other men I know, who don't lift a finger to help their wives.
I start to feel around her that I wonder if I have to leave her. Is it normal to be so terrified of your wife and her collapses?
From home husband
Dear house husband,
I am sorry that your efforts are rewarded with such a strong negative reaction and fully understand how you have reached a point where you start thinking.
Terror is not an element that cannot be addressed in a marriage. Anger problems are very problematic, regardless of the cause.
You don't say your age, but if your wife has never had this kind of problems before, the problem can be hormonal or menopausal. If that is indeed the case, it can go to a doctor and discuss hormone replacement therapy (HST) a world of difference.
When we are afraid of the anger of a partner, we tend to keep our heads down and stay still, terrified for activating anger. But there is only so long that we can live that way.
If we are not brave enough to speak and let our loved ones know how we think about the way they treat us, there may be a point that no return.
It doesn't sound like you've reached that point, but you'll get there.
Your wife needs to know how much her behavior you hurt.
Find a quiet moment when her mood is calm and tell her that you should talk. Let her know that, unless her anger is being tackled, you have no other option to leave.
I also want to provide limits here.
It is a sad truth that most people are only treated so badly as they allow other people to treat them. By not setting a border with your wife, you can engage her behavior.
The next time your wife calls, say, “I will not be spoken that way.” Then, “I'm going to leave now and would like to talk if you are calmed down.”
The more you practice this, the easier it will be.
If there are still things in your marriage that it is worth fighting, I will insist on these Meltdowns earlier instead of confronting later. The situation in which you find yourself is not sustainable.
