Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been married for six months and almost three years together (we are both in the mid -thirty).
Before he and I met, he was married to another woman – his loved one in high school.
They were together about a decade until she suddenly decided to leave him for another man she met at work.
I was the first girl with whom he assumed after his marriage fell apart, and we have been very happy together since then … but deep inside I have always been afraid that he is still in love with his ex.
Fast forward to today and something devastating has happened. My husband and I had sex a few nights ago and he said the name of his ex-wife-Luid and clear. I immediately pulled away and started crying.
My husband immediately tried to ensure that it was a fair mistake and that he regrets.
And in turn I tried To bring it in mind. But I just couldn't stop thinking about it.
I decided to stalk his ex-wife on Facebook to see what she is planning, and I saw that her relationship status was set to 'single'. I am ashamed to admit that I have stalked her many times, and I am sure her report always said that she was 'married' with the man she left my husband.
My husband just called me with the worst name you can imagine in bed. Do I have to leave him?
Now my head is running. I wonder if my husband's ex-wife has reached him now, she is single-darom he thinks of her and said her name in bed. I fear that if she wanted to come again with him, he would leave me in a heartbeat.
Am I crazy? My husband assured me that I didn't have to worry, but I have a very bad feeling. I have trust problems from relationships from the past that make me even more uncertain.
Do I have to reach his ex-wife and confront her? Maybe I could create a fake account on Facebook and accuse her of going after a married man to see how she reacts? Or should I keep asking him – even if I could eventually push him away?
By,
Name shame
International best -selling author Jane Green offers wise advice on the most burning problems of readers in her column Agony Aunt
Best name shame,
I feel the pain and fear in your letter.
I can only imagine how shocking to hear your husband call the name of his ex-wife at such an intimate moment. And I can see how your imagination is going overdrive.
Remembrance is the action of repetitive thinking – as you are currently doing – what brings us into these spirals of fear, even when the situation does not necessarily justify such an intense fear.
This does not mean that you don't have to make anything, but simply point out that you may respond exaggerated before you know all the facts.
Feeling threatened by someone else is a terrible feeling, but I wonder if your imagination gets the best of you here.
Perhaps a lack of self -esteem is that you can imagine that you are not as good as his first wife and that you lead to draw conclusions.
On the other hand, this can be intuition-that female, deep-rooted feeling that something is wrong.
Anyway, keeping thinking about it again and again will not help you solve this. Neither will her social media accounts look for clues or throw accusations at her.
Everything you think is based on feelings, and feelings are not facts – making such accusations will only look crazy (and feel).
What you have to do now is finding a way to navigate through this difficult time and to achieve the root of your trust problems and uncertainties.
There are various effective methods for dealing with trauma from the past – in your case trust problems from earlier relationships.
I encourage you to look at EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitilization and upright)-a form of psychotherapy used to resolve trauma-related disorders. I think it can help you understand why you have such a strong response.
Remember that the worst that can happen here is that you get your heart broken, and even heartache is a valuable lesson that can lead to change for the better.
Dear Jane,
I am part of a large group of friends in the twenties who live in New York City. For the most part, things are very fun and we have a good time.
However, I was recently frustrated by all the money that I expect to fall on the birthdays of the other girls.
There are eight of us, and for everyone's birthday we are out for at least one chic meal – bottomless brunch or a delicious dinner. We cover the birthday share of the bill, decorate her apartment, grab a cake, order flowers, buy her drinks in the bars and splash on tickets for events or club entry.
All this is really true – usually a birthday weekend costs me almost $ 500!
During the most recent birthday dinner I decided to unsubscribe for drinking to save some money – but then the bill and everyone expected it to be split evenly, without discussion.
I like to spend time with the girls, and I don't want to miss these occasions. But I can't afford to continue to fall on birthdays.
What makes the situation more annoying is that my birthday country in August – so half of the group is usually gone on vacation, which means that they don't have to spend any money at all, which feels unfair.
I get half of the gifts, half of the drinks and half the party.
How can I be part of this group of friends and still be involved in birthdays without going bankrupt?
By,
Poop
Best party poo,
I can well imagine how stressed you are on the amount you have to spend on your friends – $ 500 A birthday is a huge sum of money!
Today's world comes with so much pressure, not in the least seem to be as good as everyone else. I know so many people who have struggled financially in recent years, terrified that someone could learn that they are struggling to keep track of the Joneses.
When we start to be honest about where we are in life, this opens the door to more authentic and meaningful relationships.
If you are struggling with spending this amount on birthdays, I guarantee that other girls in the group feel the same, but nobody says anything because they are all terrified of being the stranger.
We are all so afraid of being assessed because deep down most of us provides a large well of shame – whether it relates to our youth, a trauma, relationships from the past, most of us secretly feel that we are not good enough.
We think we are not smart, thin, beautiful, rich or successful enough.
That is why we come in to drop money that we cannot afford to spend, so that our colleagues will know that everything in our lives is good.
I want you to be brave and tell your friends that you cannot afford to spend like that.
Set an alternative – maybe a dinner and flowers without all the extra fringes of the apartment decorations, the cake, the club evenings. Or skip the dinner and press the club – Dealer's Choice!
There are numerous alternative solutions that every party pig has celebrated in the right way.
You worry that they will think less about you, but I think that is unlikely. Given the high price tag, I imagine that they will be grateful that you have brought it up. And if not, if they are somehow banned or judge you that you do not want to spend, then they are not the friends you thought they were.
