Dear Jane,
My friend and I met on a dating app shortly after he just stopped it with another girl. But we could immediately get along with each other and quickly became exclusive.
Something that has always made me a bit insecure is how different his ex-girlfriend looks like compared to me.
She is a petite, with blond hair and massive BOOBS – While I am a brunette, on the larger side … and completely flattened.
My lack of breasts has been a point of uncertainty since I was a teenager. When I was in high school and my friends started wearing bras, I was desperately looking for the coming day when I suddenly had breasts. But that day never came. Now I am 26 and still pegs.
My friend always tells me how beautiful I am and says he loves my body … But a few days ago I discovered something that let me recapture everything.
While he was in the shower, I went on his phone innocently to look for something (my phone was loading down). I know his passwords and he knows mine – we both have nothing to hide … or I thought so.
When I opened the internet browser app on his phone, Pornhub appeared. I was a bit surprised, but not overly surprised. All guys watch porn, right?
I discovered the Pornhub search history of my partner. It let me hat my body.
Curiosity conquered me and I decided to look at his search history. I wish I hadn't done that.
All searches include the words 'big breasts'. I choked the tears back and put his phone back where I found it.
When he got out of the shower, I pretended everything was normal, but since my discovery I felt so insecure. I even avoid sex because I fear that I would be self -conscious about my lack of breasts. And I can't help it, but I wonder if he represents other girls when we are intimate – maybe he even thinks of his ex, who is very blessed in the breast department.
I have tried for more than a decade to build up body confidence, and I feel that I suddenly get back to. I have a good amount of money in savings and I wonder if I should get a boob job, to make my boyfriend happy and to eliminate my body problems once and for all. Do I have to do it?
By,
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International best -selling author Jane Green offers wise advice on the most burning problems of readers in her column Agony Aunt
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Let me start by saying: no, you don't have to get a boobbaan to make your boyfriend happy.
What is more, I actually don't see an indication that he is unhappy With what you look like.
He repeatedly told you that you are beautiful, and he has never complained about your smaller chest.
You have to understand that having a preference for something, whether it is big breasts or something different, is very different from falling in love with someone.
If we fall in love, we fall in love with the personNot the size of a body part.
Although we may find something special attractive, there is something that is not crucial for the person we ultimately fall for.
For example, girls find it attractive if boys have tattoos, but would that be a non-negotiable when choosing a partner? Hopefully not.
Similarly, how superficial your boyfriend would be if he only choose women because they had big breasts!
I also want to warn you that looking at someone's search history is not wise to do.
We inevitably find things that we do not understand because they come without context. And it is not as if you can ever ask for an explanation because sniffing was in the first place.
So, completely put the search habits of your friend aside … if – and only if – You alone Keep worrying about the size of your breasts, there is no reason why you should not consult a surgeon about an extension.
A consultation does not mean that you must continue with surgery, you simply inform yourself about all options.
If you decide to go under the knife, it must only be because you really believe it will make you happier.
Dear Jane,
I had a relationship for a few months and so far – everything was great. But something is the case and I cannot say if it is a red flag, or if I just respond overly.
You see, I work for a long hours for a law firm in New York City and I hardly have any free time. All my free moments are spent with my girlfriend nowadays.
I don't have time to clean my apartment or perform tasks as a laundry. So in recent years I have had a housekeeper who comes by twice a week to do odd jobs. I have never felt the need to make this known to my girlfriend – it just never happened.
But a few days ago my girlfriend slept over and hung around my apartment after I left for the office.
I completely forgot that it was one of the days that my cleaning lady came and my girlfriend did not warn.
Suddenly I am spamed at work with texts and says: “How can't you tell me that you have a hot girl ???”.
Now that I think about it, my housekeeper is attractive. She is in the early twenties and is very beautiful, but I honestly never looked at her because she works for me, and I hardly see her.
My girlfriend is furious that I loved this from her and she is convinced that I did not tell her because I am in love with my housekeeper. She even demands that I dismiss her and find someone else – someone 'less attractive' and 'older'.
To be honest, I think she's crazy. My current housekeeper is great in her work and she knows the ins and outs of what needs to be done in my apartment. Plus, she is sweet and I would feel terrible that she shoots her out of nowhere. But my girlfriend only threatens to talk to me until I do that.
Do I have to pretend that I needed her and just make sure that they never cross paths again, or will I put my foot down – possibly at the expense of my relationship?
By,
Maidly in Love
Dear Maidly in Love,
You are absolutely right in thinking that this is a red flag. It is quite important in my books.
It would be one thing if your girlfriend would make a comment about how beautiful your housekeeper is and then let it go. But her overreaction is significant and suggests that she has great jealousy.
The fact that she is threatened by the mere presence of an attractive woman that you don't even see bad is bad enough. That she demands you now firework Her indicates a woman with serious uncertainties.
I fear that this is just the start of the demands she will probably make.
What happens if you go to a party with her and notices that you are talking attractively to someone? Will she intervene and require you to walk away?
Or what if there is a beautiful woman in the neighborhood in a plane? Will she make you change your seat?
As the great Maya Angelou once said, “If someone shows you who they are, they believe the first time.”
A woman who is confident has no problem with other women; They do not feel threatened by them, nor are they worried that their friends will choose someone else above them based on looks.
No matter how difficult this is to hear, your girlfriend will not be the right partner for you, or someone else, by the way. Only until she has done enough work on herself to stop feeling threatened every time an attractive woman walks into the room.
I feel a huge compassion for your girlfriend. It is not fun to go through life to feel the way she feels.
But, as they say, people hurt people.
She hurts you by not talking to you unless you do what she demands. Now go out before she gets the chance to cause further pain.
