There is no universally accepted “waiting period” after a break that will magically dismiss the expectations of different people. But keep in mind that Alice’s response is not really about “the rules of dating etiquette” or that may be technically likely to keep from who and when. It is about sadness: the sorrow of losing a partner, a good friend and a loyal confidant, in the period of months – even if Alice has started it apart (you don’t say which way went), or started to see someone new, or you believed she believed them should have to It will be fine. The fact is that you made a decision to date Jane while your friend Alice mourn her own relationship with her.
But here is another truth that exists next to the first: you can choose to prioritize your joy.
What you experience now – loss, confusion, a social wrinkle effect – is the price of this complexity. You miss Alice because losing a friendship, especially a long -existing, deep impactful. You wish Alice could see you happiness as divorced from her pain, and maybe she will do that one day. But for now the space she was asked for, you need to find your own clarity for both of you.
You could consider honoring her need for space with a single thoughtful message that indicates that it even matters with this space. Something like: “I think of you. I am sorry that we are not in a good place now”, while you also let her know that you would welcome a conversation if and when she is ready. No requirements, no justifications, just a memory, because she probably feels betrayed and abandoned, that you have her in mind and leave the door wide open for what could happen if (or never) could be next.
Regarding the mutual friends that exclude you – this happens in all kinds of disintegration. Some friends choose party based on loyalty, which they first knew or whose version of events they heard. Others can simply feel uncomfortable with the complications. Focus on cherishing the friendships that remain supportive.
In the things of the heart, we cannot always time our feelings easily. What is the most important thing is that we deal with grace and integrity and accept the consequences that match our choices.
Do you want to ask the therapist? If you have a question, e -mail then akkeldhetherapist@nytimes.com. By submitting a search, you agree with our Submission conditions of the reader. This column is not a replacement for professional medical advice.
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