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A polyamorous woman realized that sharing her love had limits.
She started thinking about a new turn in her life after she got some serious revelations about her various encounters.
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MORE TO LOVE
Reddit user Native-fear4613 spoke candidly about her unconventional relationship history.
“I’ve been polyamorous for 30 years. I regret it now,” she said.
“There was also a lot of variety; I’ve been in threesomes and polycules of up to four people, and had several open relationships,” she continued.
She admitted to being in polyamorous relationships before she even knew what the term meant, and her last monogamous relationship was at age 13.
She made excuses for why she continued to have relationships with multiple partners.
Over the years, her fear of being “tied to one person” turned into a feeling that she had “too much love to give.”
“The idea of being with one person was unappealing and incomprehensible to me,” she said.
She described in detail her short- and long-term relationships, which ranged from a few months to eight years.
These courtships involved both men and women.
CLEAR SEEING
Her underlying issues became clearer when she decided to seek professional help.
“This year I decided to start seeing a psychiatrist regularly, a really good one, and I’ve come to realize a lot of things, including the fact that I was polyamorous for the wrong reasons,” she said.
“I didn’t want to be stuck and then I looked back on my childhood and of course I didn’t want that. My parents’ marriage was a disgrace and my father cheated on me over and over again,” she continued.
She even recalls shunning her mother because she accused her of creating an environment where cheating “didn’t exist from the start.”
All of this led to self-confidence issues in her teenage years, something that became more manageable when she realised that boys found her ‘attractive’.
“The more boys liked me and showed me romantic interest, the more confident I was. The more people I dated, the more access I had to validation all at once,” she said.
“I couldn’t stand being alone with my thoughts for more than five minutes, so it was a relief to have someone there with me,” she added.
She also realized that she needed a lot of attention.
She became addicted to the euphoric sensation of being someone’s romantic partner.
She got into a vicious circle where she felt broken when her partner looked for a new partner.
“It happened to me, and I did it to myself. Looking back, I would trade it all for one person,” she said.
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“One person who would cherish me, prioritize me, respect me and my ambitions. It took decades of using polyamory as a band-aid on much deeper wounds to realize they even existed.”
Although she’s not sure now whether monogamy is the right choice for her, she is aware of one thing.
“I just know that I’m not happy with the way I’m living my life, and there’s still a lot for me to realize and learn from,” she said.
OTHERS ROADS IN
Others praised her for her courage.
“Mental self-exploration is a daunting task! You’ve taken it upon yourself and discovered a huge piece of your life puzzle and now you get to decide how to apply it to your life,” said one user.
“I’m actually proud of you for realizing how and why you made your lifestyle choices. Most of us – myself included – never examine why we choose what we choose,” said another.
“It sounds like you’ve worked really hard to get where you are and understand yourself. I really admire you for that!” they added.
“Self-awareness is huge! It shows how much growth you’re going through. I don’t think I was a balanced person until I was 40, so kudos to you,” added one Redditor.
