I’ve been sneaking McDonald’s and Super Noodles – I went from a size 10 to a size 24

On the coffee table in front of me was a mountain of food laid out.

Three to come of chicken Super Noodles, a whole white loaf spread with butter and my favourite: two packets of Mr Kipling French Fancies.

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I was about to consume thousands of calories more than the recommended daily amount, and it would take me less than ten minutes to eat it all.

I was at home, desperately lonely, after my boyfriend went off on his own instead of seeing me. My coping mechanism was to eat huge amounts of food.

One in fifty people suffer from binge eating, three times more than the number of people diagnosed with anorexia.

And the number of reports is still rising. For example, the eating disorder charity Beat reported in 2021 that reports of the issue more than tripled compared to the previous three years.

I am 5’9″ and due to the condition I fluctuate between 210 pounds and a size 14 at my heaviest, and 185 pounds and a size 12 at my lightest.

I might binge three times a week, or I might not binge at all for a few months.

For me, a cycle of binge eating meant that at other times I severely restricted my eating.

My problems go back to my childhood.

My mother was slim, but she loved feeding others. I learned early on that if I finished my plate, I would get a compliment.

When I was six, my father left to work abroad and I was devastated. I missed him terribly and food became my solace.

My mother worked in a candy store and after school I would often go there and sit under her desk and eat the candy I stole.

At 13 I was very overweight – my nickname was Bulldozer – so my mother put me on a diet. She cooked small portions of healthy food and kept an eye on me to make sure I ate enough snacks.

She meant well, but then my eating pattern became even more disrupted.

I started using my pocket money – and sometimes money I stole from her – to buy junk food, which I hid in a backpack under my bed.

And when I couldn’t resist any longer, I would sit on my bedroom floor and eat my fill. I would eat six packets of crisps, a packet of TUC cheese biscuits and five bars of chocolate – usually Turkish Delight, Double Deckers, Snickers or Wagon Wheels.

It’s like an itch you can’t scratch. You feel completely out of control when the urge to binge eat hits.

And so an eating pattern was born that would last 30 years.

Over the years, I’ve spent hundreds of hours standing in front of the refrigerator, desperately searching for anything I could find.

I spent over £50,000 on extra food.

I have eaten whole cakes in one sitting and then whole loaves of bread with butter and toast dipped in coffee.

‘You feel completely out of control’

I would often clear out my kitchen, hoping that the lack of food would curb my cravings, but they still came back with a vengeance.

It’s like an itch you can’t scratch. You feel completely out of control when the urge to binge eat hits.

I never told anyone, especially not friends, about my binge eating.

But I now realize it had to do with my romantic relationships. At 21, I started dating my second “real” boyfriend. The relationship lasted six years and was toxic.

There were nights he didn’t come home and my paranoia led to a binge. I started the relationship at a size 12 and left six years later at a size 24.

We both loved food, so we ate too much when we were together. But I also ate in secret. Food was like a friend who comforted me.

Sometimes when I was angry I would stuff whole boxes of French Fancies in my mouth until I could barely breathe. I could eat eight in a minute.

I was so ashamed, I couldn’t bear for anyone else to know. I ate in the car before I got home from my job as an events manager, and tore open boxes of fresh cream eclairs in the supermarket parking lot.

I also used to go to McDonald’s to eat fries and hamburgers by myself, and then go out for dinner with friends afterwards.

When the relationship ended, when I was 27, I blamed my weight and began severely restricting my food. For a year, when I was 29, I lived on Smash instant mash, peas and a dash of ketchup.

So I got down to size 38, but it was unhealthy and it just illustrated how bad my relationship with food was.

Then I found a new partner, the insecurities came back and I started binge eating regularly again. That was my pattern in my twenties and thirties.

When I restricted my eating, I would buy sandwiches and throw half of them away, determined not to overeat. Then I would scoop the discarded half out of the trash, unable to resist.

I’ve learned that it’s best for me to eat little and often, so I eat five small meals a day

My lowest point was 15 years ago, when I was driving home from the supermarket.

I had bought a Christmas cake and started stuffing myself with it during the three-kilometre walk. That is a fixed moment to eat.

Suddenly I had enough of myself and threw the half-eaten cake out of the car window to stop myself from eating it. But the moment I did, I regretted it, so I stopped and looked for the cake in the ditch.

Luckily I didn’t find it, but if I had I probably would have eaten it. I was ashamed of myself for having sunk so low.

Now that I’m in recovery, I want to share my opinion because people don’t understand how serious binge eating is.

We might laugh at the idea of ​​someone eating an entire pie in one sitting, but that’s no joke.

Food was both my best friend and my worst enemy.

I started talk therapy at age 30 because I wanted to gain more insight into my relationship with food.

It wasn’t an immediate solution, but it was the beginning of insight into the causes of my eating disorder.

It has nothing to do with lack of willpower or greed. It is a mental health problem, just like other eating disorders.

For me it had to do with feeling bad about myself and suppressing my feelings with food.

My binges became less frequent as I approached 40 and it has now been over ten years since my last. I am in a much better place and have been with my partner, Gary Coulson, a 57 year old carpenter, for 14 years.

He is the first partner I confided in about my food issues and he is very supportive.

I also retrained as a psychotherapist and now help others who have difficulty with their relationship with food.

I have learned that it is best for me to eat regularly and little, so I eat five small meals a day.

When life gets tough, like when my father passed away earlier this year, I meditate and talk about my feelings instead of food.

Sometimes I still eat secretly, I take a cold baked potato and arrange the rest so that Gary doesn’t notice.

But the difference is that now I’m in control.

I know for sure that I will never again be the woman who searches for Christmas cake in a ditch.

• You can visit Hayley’s website at ifdietsdontwork.co.uk. Or for more support with eating disorders visit beateatingdisorders.org.uk or call 0808 801 0677.