Now that the Democratic elite has successfully ousted Joe Bye-den from office, America must brace itself for a deafening possibility:
Presi-Brat Coconut Tree Harris.
(Don’t you understand me? Sorry, old man!)
I don’t care what the polls say. General elections in the US always hinge on the most nimble of razor-sharp cuts, the final outcome a toss-up that vacillates on the fickle sentiments of independents, waverers and ill-informed bird brains.
And as she will never let us forget, even Hillary Clinton won the most votes. So by my calculations, the odds are 50-50 that Crazy Kam will win.
Now that the Democratic elite has successfully ousted Joe Bye-den from office, America must brace itself for a deafening possibility: Presi-Brat Coconut Tree Harris.
And if that giggle-filled dystopia becomes reality, this is — I imagine — what it will be like in January 2025:
There she stands, taking in history, in her vengeful red pantsuit on the balcony of the American K-apitol building (renamed after the inauguration).
As she raises her fist in the air and nods to her former lover Willie Brown, she thinks to herself, “He’s still got it at 90.”
Dumpy Doug Emhoff is there too, beaming and licking the contents of a donut from his fingers.
As Second Gentleman, he led a campaign against “toxic masculinity.” At this point, Kamala would settle for any masculinity.
But President H has so much to be proud of today.
After defeating The Donald in a closely fought election, she unleashed the IRS on all ten Trump grandchildren, driving the family underground.
Rumor has it that Eric Trump is organizing an uprising of Viking helmet-wearing Loonse creatures that also look strangely like moles.
But that’s a problem for another time.
“It’s Momala’s turn!” she screams.
Dr. Jill Biden, still furious over the coup that thwarted her plans to rule the country through ventriloquism, can be seen visibly shaking in her seat at the end of the row.
She left Sleepy at home in Delaware with a tub of Breyers.
In the front, next to Vice President George Clooney, is the first-mentioned daughter Frida Kahlo, I mean Ella Emhoff.
She looks stunning in a Calvin Klein kaffiyeh and matching belly-baring shirt with a Palestinian flag.
In the front, next to Vice President George Clooney, is the first-mentioned daughter Frida Kahlo, I mean Ella Emhoff.
VP Clooney nods approvingly, his ivory veneers glinting in the January sun.
He was appointed running mate after hammering one of the final nails in Comatose Joe’s presidential coffin.
But Amal Clooney, now Defense Secretary, is the real winner.
In her first official act, she had Seal Team Six arrest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and hand him over to the International Criminal Court for swift prosecution.
The Surgeon General is Dr. Dre, because he has more medical credentials than Dr. Jill. (Plus, Kamala loved smoking weed and listening to him in the 70s.)
And Kimberley Cheatle has been restored to her rightful position as Secret Service Director. Because in this government, diversity is shall Trump references!
Kamala looks out over the dozens of people in attendance. Since gasoline is now illegal, most people found it too hard to ride their bikes to DC.
And so she begins her historic speech:
Today is what yesterday wanted to be, and tomorrow this will be our yesterday.
We stand here as a nation, a country, but not a continent. It is part of a continent with other countries and nations.
We are all children of the community, which was a sitcom, without the burden of coconuts living together in communes.
I’ve never been to Europe. Amen.
Thanks to America’s Border Csarina, that wasn’t the case, our collective goose will be cooked. On a gasless stove, of course.
Bank so ugly
Trump’s vice presidential nominee, the couch potato JD Vance, is already slumping like a West Wing whoopee cushion, sinking deeply into the chair of Republican expectations.
The brazen Buckeye is all confused after cat-loving ladies like Jennifer Aniston criticized him for his bitchy way of portraying Kamala as a “childless cat lady.”
Meanwhile, some are whispering that Don regrets selecting the bland, sexist couch surfer. Can you blame him?
Trump’s VP candidate, the couch potato JD Vance, is already low on the list by Republican estimates.
Billy the bully
Speaking of hay fever, Billy Ray Cyrus has revealed himself to be an aggressive idiot in a recently discovered recording in which he can be heard cursing out every woman he’s ever had dealings with in his 62 years.
Of his third wife and last ex, Australian singer Firerose, he said: ‘You’re a selfish, f***cking bitch.’
He called his famous daughter Miley a “devil” and a “slut”; his youngest, Noah, a “slut”; and their mother Tish – his second wife – “scum of the earth.”
Now Miley insiders say this was the “last straw” and that Bilious Billy is “dead to her.” For a talentless man who has only found relevance and fortune through the sparkling women in his life, this will surely be the biggest punishment of all.
Speaking of hay fever, Billy Ray Cyrus has revealed himself to be an aggressive idiot in a recently discovered recording in which he can be heard cursing out every woman he’s ever had dealings with in his 62 years.
Gold interference
The Paris Olympics appear to have lifted the prudish “intimacy ban” imposed by Tokyo 2020, with 300,000 condoms being handed out to the 10,000-plus athletes who have descended on the city. (That’s 10 per person, per week!)
Meanwhile, the ‘recyclable’ cardboard beds and flimsy mattresses offered by the cheese eaters have been mercilessly ridiculed. But never fear, well-groomed British diver Tom Daley filmed himself jumping up and down in a four-and-a-half formation on his boat – proving they can take quite a beating.
Muscle strength
Daley’s diving teammate and greedy gold medalist Jack Laugher complains that he doesn’t make enough money at the pool, so he and other hot sports girls and boys supplement their income by showing off their Speedo-clad bits on OnlyFans.
These tasteless titans have no shame, but they do have a following of impressionable youngsters, whose understanding of Olympic courage, determination and bravery will be forever tarnished by this disgusting filth.
Daley’s diving teammate and greedy gold medalist Jack Laugher complains that he doesn’t make enough money at the pool, so he and other hot sports girls and boys supplement their income by showing off their Speedo-clad bits on OnlyFans.
Lonely Queen Jennifer
For her Hamptons bday bash this week, JLo channeled Bridgerton’s lonely Queen Charlotte and rang in 55 with a themed party. Noticeably absent: her estranged, moody husband, who was presumably too busy doing who knows what.
If she wanted to lure him to Long Island in her full, classic gown, powdered wigs and ballroom dancing might not have been the best lures.
Next year she should blow out the candles at Fenway Park with Hooters wings and waitresses. Ben would definitely show up for that.
For her Hamptons bday bash this week, JLo channeled Bridgerton’s lonely Queen Charlotte and rang in 55 with a themed party. Noticeably absent: her estranged, moody husband, who was presumably too busy doing who knows what.
Melania shows everything
It seems the elusive former First Lady Melania Trump has been absent from the scene for good reason: the dashingly glamorous lady has taken up pen to write her memoir, cleverly titled “MELANIA.”
We don’t have a release date yet (sometime before the election, we’re told) and no word yet on what exciting revelations lie within. But who cares, we’re all going to read it.
