Our relationships have fallen apart as we juggle the end of term, school holiday administration and work
Exhausted mother of two Katy-Rose Meaney puts her children to bed.
Instead of sneaking over to her husband for a kiss and a cuddle on the couch, she sneaks away to sleeponly.
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Mentally exhausted from meeting the demands of her children’s school schedule and preparing for the six-week summer vacation, Katy, like many other mothers, is on the verge of collapse.
And that also applies to her relationship with her husband Nathan, to whom she has been married for nine years (33).
According to psychologists, this time of year is the most common time for couples to experience burnout in their relationship. Both parties feel exhausted, disconnected, unmotivated and irritated.
“Forget summer “There hasn’t been a chance of that for months,” says Katy, 38.
“And no one in sight for the next one six to eight weeks.
“Every evening, for weeks now, I have to buy, book, order or plan something for the children for the end of the school year, so there is no chance of a cozy evening with a bottle wine snuggled up on the couch.
“Lighter nights and the relaxation of the school day in the run-up to holidaysmeans there is no bedtime routine, nor any quality evening time once the kids are in bed.
“No rosé in the garden, and no summer kisses.
“When they finally fall asleep, I fall asleep too. Our relationship has dropped down on our priority list and we are snapping at each other more and more.
“Our intimate relationship has fallen apart because when I fall into bed exhausted, the last thing on my mind is marriage.”
Psychologist Emma Kenny says: “Relationship burnout is common at this time of year. In fact, the last Monday in September after couples have spent the summer together is the most common day for Brits to decide on a partingaccording to a new study.
“This goes against the common perception that this is the first working day of January.
“The psychology The reason for this is that while summer is supposed to be fun, it can also be stressful for the organizing parent, which can take a toll on relationships.
ARE YOU AT RISK? TAKE OUR QUIZ
Take psychologist Emma Kenny’s quiz and read her answers to see if your relationship is on the verge of burning out, or is just simmering down.
- When you go to bed, do you think about your paperwork or your finances?
A. Rarely
B. Sometimes
C. Often
D. Almost always - How often do you feel lust for your partner?
A. Very often
B. Once a week
C. Very rarely
D. Never - Are you still as intimate with your partner as you were eight weeks ago?
A. Yes
B. Not quite
C. Much less than before
D. Almost never - Do you find it exciting to see your partner again at the end of the day and chat together?
A. Sure
B. Usually
C. Occasionally
D. No - How balanced was the summer vacation planning?
A. Completely agree
B. I book some things myself
C. I have booked almost everything
D. My partner has not booked anything - How often do you feel overwhelmed by the extra responsibilities that summer brings?
A never
B. Occasionally
C. Often
D. Always - How often do you go to bed angry with each other?
A never
B. Sometimes
C. Often
D. Almost always - Have you already saved a date or evening in your diary for at least one date in the summer?
A. Sure
B. We think we can squeeze a cup of coffee in there
C. It seems unlikely
D. Almost certainly not
MOSTLY As: ON THE RIGHT TRACK
“You both feel valued and seen. Keep up the good work by continuing to prioritize your relationship, make time for each other, and discuss any concerns with your partner to avoid misunderstandings.”
MOSTLY B’s: SMOKING
“Your relationship is generally strong, but make it better by sharing tasks and making time for dates. Plan short outings, even if it’s just a coffee from the local café, to ensure continuous improvement and support.”
MOSTLY C’s: LITTLE FIREWORKS
“One of you is feeling undervalued and the other is also starting to feel alienated or disconnected. Consider setting aside some special time to talk openly about your stress and work together to find solutions. Gradually rekindle the passion by making daily eye contact and small gestures of affection.”
MOSTLY D’s: BURNT OUT
“Your relationship is under a lot of pressure and needs immediate attention. Consider professional help – before you reach the point of no return. You can get free talking therapies through the NHS, you don’t need a referral from your GP. Ask family or friends for help with childcare so you can spend time together.”
“The pressure of the amount of work involved in preparing for the end of the school year, childcare for the six-week holiday and holiday arrangements can seem too much for one person to handle.
“It feels like the entire universe is filled with the last weeks of the school year.
“On top of that, there is the financial stress of paying for school holidays and the enormous pressure on social media to pretend you are having the best summer ever.
“These factors together often cause your relationship to fall to the bottom of the priority list and lead to burnout. This refers to feelings of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion that leave you with feelings of disconnection from the person you share your life with.
“It is the result of over-involvement in emotionally demanding responsibilities.
‘Military precision’
“Signs may include you lashing out more, having less or no sex at all, and the romance feeling like it’s had a long summer vacation without you.”
For Katy from Wolverhampton, the mental strain of the final year of school for seven-year-old George and five-year-old Charlotte is a real test.
“Nathan is what we would traditionally call ‘the breadwinner,’ so all the administrative stuff surrounding the kids during the summer falls under my responsibility,” she says.
“We are now entering the school year. The last few weeks have been a chaos of juggling, finishing things off at work and being available for parents’ evenings, sports days, school holidays and plays, awards ceremonies and class transition days, not to mention PTA commitments.
“Then there is the school play, the outfits that have to be arranged in advance for the play and the last minute days when school uniforms are not required, all thrown in, leaving me bewildered once again.
“Each of these commitments requires military precision, so I don’t drop any of the balls I’m handling.”
Reflecting on their roles — Katy is a full-time mom and freelance writer, while Nathan is an account executive — she adds, “I feel like I shouldn’t be bitter because he works hard so we can pay the bills. accountsBut sometimes I just long for a thank you for all I do, and that’s quite something.
“It’s terrible that my job is on hold until September because I have to look after the children while the school is closed and he no longer has a holiday.
“Losing my income in the summer and having days that need to be filled with activities puts an extra financial strain on the household.
“We’re lucky to have a holiday in Cornwall planned for later this month, but packing is stressful, especially when you’re cooking with young children. Not to mention how unpredictable the British weather can be. All that holiday admin falls on me.”
‘When my husband tries to initiate sex, I get furious with him. I’m seconds away from walking away
Lara
And it’s not just Katy who finds this time of year a real drag on their relationship.
A study published in Social Psychology Quarterly found that burnout in one partner can spread to the other partner. It is a contagious disease that can spread.
Nathan says, “When Katy is disinterested, exhausted, and doesn’t want to communicate with me because she’s so tired and stressed, I can’t help but feel like she’s passing that on to me.
“This should be the season of relaxation, but our relationship has weakened and we don’t have the usual connection and no romance.”
This experience is common at this time of year, with parents of school-age children suffering the most.
Forget summer romance, there’s no chance of that for the next six to eight weeks.
Katy Rose Meaney
Married mum-of-two Lara* from Glasgow says: “The stress of this summer is weighing on me so much that I’m fantasising about leaving what has been a happy nine-year marriage wedding.”
The customer service advisor, who has an 11-year-old and a 4-year-old daughter with her 40-year-old husband, says: “I can walk out the door in seconds and never have to look back.
“I would take both kids because I might as well be a single parent and take on the lion’s share of the organizing.
“Our sex life has disappeared in the last month or two. Even though we’ve been together for 12 years, and married for nine, we’ve always had sex twice a week — I can’t remember the last time we were intimate.
“I’ve always had a huge dislike for him, but that feeling is disappearing frighteningly quickly.
‘Breaking point’
“When I drag myself to bed, I get furious when my husband initiates sex, but he doesn’t understand why I’m on the verge of breaking down.
“All warm feelings for him disappear when he goes away the office to do his quiet nine-hour workday, where he does just that: Work.
“I also work from nine to five, so why do I have to take on all the childcare?
“My mother, to whom I confided my story, says that part of the problem is that I don’t delegate to him, but then I have to explain everything to him.” jobs and that in itself would be another task – and they would not be done well.”
Emma Kenny says: “It’s essential that couples who are feeling this way communicate with each other and come up with a plan that leaves some time for the two of you.
“Delegate tasks and responsibilities so that no one feels overwhelmed.
“Nobody has a perfect summer, and that’s okay. Focus on creating meaningful memories instead of Instagram-worthy moments.
“The simplest activities can bring you closer together and remind you why you are in this partnership.”
Lara adds: “I hope we don’t become a September divorce figure, but my husband has to do his part to make that happen.”
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