SARAH VINE: Charles must stop these pound-shop royals who are destroying the brand of the monarchy

‘I heard their story through Netflix,’ said Colombian Vice President Francia Marquez, who greeted the Duke and Duchess of Sussex as she greeted the couple on their latest unofficial royal tour.

What an embarrassing confession. On that basis, she might even make Meghan an honorary attorney general, since she once starred in a legal drama, Suits.

Perhaps Prince Harry, given his self-confessed experiences with the ancient “Colombian marching powder,” could play a useful role in that country’s military. I’m joking, of course. But in many ways, Colombia is the perfect choice for the Sussexes in their waning quest to stay relevant. After all, it’s a country eager to reinvent itself—as are the Duke and Duchess.

The new left-wing government is desperately trying to cover up some inconvenient truths – civil unrest, drug trafficking, kidnappings, murders – hoping instead to promote a much more harmonious vision of attracting wealthy foreign investment and boosting tourism.

Yet Colombia remains one of the most dangerous places in the world. The home of former narco kingpin Pablo Escobar, a country where a large number of foreign tourists have been murdered in the past three years, many of them victims of drug and prostitution rackets. The age of consent is a regressive 14, making it a magnet for sex tourists.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex during their visit to Colombia this week

Meghan is welcomed in Colombia by Vice President Francia Marquez

But judging by their ‘royal’ tour of Nigeria (another country where human rights, apparently so dear to the Sussexes, are treated with less respect than a tissue), it seems Harry and Meghan aren’t too picky when it comes to accepting hospitality.

I think part of the appeal is that countries like Britain and, increasingly, the US have had enough of the couple’s endless attention-seeking antics (I personally can’t wait to see them finally achieve their intended goal of living a quiet life out of the spotlight), while in countries like Colombia and Nigeria their status as royal outsiders is seen as a perfect opportunity.

Easily flattered and even more easily seduced by the trappings of fame, the couple are the ideal useful idiots for wily politicians looking to boost their image.

It doesn’t take much. Presidential-style security (in Colombia they’re accompanied by a man in a Kevlar shield), police outriders, flattering dignitaries, dancing with locals, visiting schools in deprived neighborhoods, planting trees, posing with ethnic artifacts – it’s all there. Every vital (and much-missed) trappings of royalty and fame are there, with bells.

Meghan gets to do her special compassionate-kneeling-for-a-child trick and is photographed with a carefully selected group of youngsters. Harry awkwardly dances with the natives and high-fives adoring teenagers.

His wife gets a chance to wear her jewels and a selection of new outfits and say things like “connect with each other” – while everyone nods and applauds. They do one of their “spur-of-the-moment,” hand-on-knee PDAs.

It’s like the old pre-Megxit times, but without the downsides. Almost as if they were still full-time working royals – just without the responsibility or the boring bits.

For example, having to talk to actual members of the public (brrrr), or standing in the rain watching soldiers march, or attending gatherings with other royals, some of whom (God forbid) may be even more senior than they are. Or being expected to live in a cottage on the Windsor Estate with a mere 5,000 square feet of space.

In countries like Colombia, you see, they are still taken seriously, treated with respect – instead of being seen for what they are, a bunch of spoiled narcissists who think the world owes them a living. They are allowed to enjoy the status that was so unfairly denied to them when they (voluntarily) turned their backs on their official royal roles.

In other words, they have their cake and eat it too. Which is why, I suspect, we will see more and more of these imitation royal tours.

After all, it doesn’t look like American Riviera Arachnid – or whatever their latest commercial venture is called – is going to set the world alight. Luckily for them, there’s no shortage of deep-pocketed, shady regimes desperate for a bit of royal razzmatazz.

Of course, they could never get the real thing – but Harry and Meghan, well, they are definitely available. All you have to do is dress them in something decent and bingo: by Royal Appointment.

Except it isn’t, and they aren’t. These flaunting egotists are not working royals. They don’t represent the royal family – even though they pretend to. This has to stop. King Charles can’t tolerate this shameless exploitation of the British monarchy, no matter how much he loves his son.

I hate to say it sir, but it’s time to put your foot down. Before these pound shop royals devalue the brand beyond repair.

Labour MPs quit Twitter/X, with one saying Elon Musk has turned it into “a megaphone for foreign adversaries and far-right fringe groups”. It suited the Corbynistas and other far-left groups when the Tories were in power. Maybe they just don’t like a taste of their own medicine.

Sharing Molly-Mae’s pain

My kids (well, my daughter and her friends mostly) are absolutely devastated by Molly-Mae and Tommy Fury’s split. They’ve talked about little else since the former Love Island contestant made it ‘Instagram official’.

I’ve always been fascinated by the question of why people get so caught up in other people’s breakups – especially when they don’t even know them. But every generation does it. Burton and Taylor; Charles and Di; Brad and Angelina. Perhaps it’s comforting to know that these seemingly perfect lives are actually just as complicated and messy as our own.

Molly-Mae has ended her relationship with Tommy Fury. The couple have a daughter together

Tory leadership candidate Kemi Badenoch has been reprimanded for missing an election rally to take her young family on holiday. When her rival Robert Jenrick was bizarrely asked what kind of chocolate he would be, he said – in a most rude dig at her – “Certainly not a flake”.

Badenoch’s decision should actually work in her favour. I have seen too many politicians neglect their families for politics: we want real people in power, not power-hungry sociopaths.

Donald Trump appears to have sabotaged his own campaign with his relentless pursuit of Joe “Sleepy” Biden. Kamala Harris is proving to be a bit more of a drag than expected. That said, those hoping to join her team are asked to indicate their preferred pronoun, such as He/him, She/her, Xe/xem, or Fae/faer, which apparently applies to those who identify as faeries. As in “away with”? A gift, indeed, for The Donald’s speechwriters.

Former US President Donald Trump speaks during an event earlier this week

Football is back! Hurray! No more riots until next summer.